I don't know. I just feel like ... I need a friend.

[Alexis]

Okay, so if I may get shameful and privately public and open about my feelings here with you all...

I've had an outbreak first one in about a year and half. I saw it coming to be honest I've been stressed in my daily life. Stuck in my head with everything I have no control over including this sickness. An now here I am loathing my life and the direction it took ( with getting H ). I'm sitting here in tears, why? I've had it for 3 years now. And I thought I left all my sobbs behind. It is what it is. I had unprotected sex and now i must deal with the consquences. Sitting here in pain and shame just sucks for a lack of a better word. I just feel like utter crap and i dont know what else to do but complain about it. Usually I'm a postive person who tries to be happy because I believe it takes effort. Today though, today is different. I need a friend. A friend who knows what this life is like to help get through this ...

I don't have anyone in my life who knows

[WCSDancer2010]

@Alexis

 

First - know you are among friends here ... that is what we are here for :)

 

Just like many struggles in life, we all have our "bad days" .... and that's ok.

 

It sounds like H is just one thing you don't "have control of" from what you said. So as an official "old fart" who has had H for over 35 years, let me tell you ... this is small peanuts in the grand scheme of things.... Yes, it's a pain in the ass (or other places!), Yes, it makes for conversations you'd rather not have with potential suitors (but those conversations can lead to you seeing them for who they truly are), and Yes, none of us would "want" it, but there are far, far worse things to have to deal with.....

 

And learning to be comfortable being "out of control" is a skill and a gift worth cultivating ... and H can be a great place to practice this, because there is only so much we can do to "control" it. We can take anti-virals, eat the right foods, and keep our stress down and we may still have an OB for know obvious reason... We can only do so much to "control" it. So learning how to just *be* with herpes, and accepting the OB's when they come, will help you in a lot of other areas (and likely as you let go of needing to control other areas, you H will settle down and OB's will be fewer and farther between).

 

As for the shame - that is your brain taking over. You are buying into the stigma that is more a perception of what we feel we *should* feel (thanks to our Puritanical forefathers).... when in fact there is no reason to feel shame... we lost the crap-shoot of sex. Yes, maybe we should have used condoms, but would you feel shame if you were injured in a car accident when not wearing a seat belt? I doubt it. You might feel stupid because we know that seat belts can drastically reduce the chance of injury...but it's not a guarantee that you won't get hurt, any more than a condom is a guarantee of not getting Herpes. So yes... maybe we should have used a condom, but we didn't ... and now we have a consequence to remind us to be more careful about our dalliances in the future. That's all.

 

(((HUGS))) my friend. Tomorrow is another day. Find something "positive" to do..... find ways to see H as a positive thing in your life. H has many lessons to teach us ... we just have to be open to learning from it ;)

[Alexis]

Yeah just a bad day..I've taken a couple breathes, had some tea and convinced myself this will pass. Everything you said is what I needed. I'm usually okay with it all. I guess. The shame comes from when I found out thinking stupidly that whores or "bad people" get H. Why was this happening to me? Having to even think about telling someone and explain they'll jump to conclusions and think they way I did. Will it get easier? Are you more at ease with it now? After I'm sure having the talk and being accepted and or rejected? I thought I was until, I started dating a guy after 2years of leaving a 2year relationship where we both had H. If that made sense.. Getting to know someone and wanting to take it further at some point is over shadowed with the task of telling them which id rather just stop talking to them altoghter to avoid having to disclose or catching feelings. This outbreak makes me want to stop talking to him altogether. I know I changed the topic .. but this is what the shame and shitty feelings boiled down to

[hope42morrow]

Funny that you wrote this today. I was thinking about something as I was working out. I just finished with said workout, which was brutal. And probably exactly what I needed. Isn't it funny, in an ironic way, how it's ok to say and feel horrible, awful things to ourselves. Things, that if an outside party said them to us would cause an immediate dismissal from our lives. But it's ok to just beat the shit out of ourselves emotionally. "I'm dirty", "My life is ruined", etc. I know this well as I do it to myself maybe a little too frequently. Even though I "know" it's not true, those feelings are still there. And I also have noticed that when I'm feeling upset, or stressed, H becomes a convenient scapegoat. My life is not bad because I'm having financial/family/relationship/work problems. It's just bad because I have herpes. H is almost a fail safe thing for me to focus on. If that makes sense. That way I don't "have " to focus on what's really under the surface. Which is not to say that having H is not a big deal to me. It is. But I think that often there's a lot more to it. I'm three years into this as well. So the initial shock has worn off. But those aftershocks can be almost as bad. So I'm sending you all positive energy. I know how you feel. And now, I'm going to try and take my own advice. And be kind to myself.

[WCSDancer2010]

Are you more at ease with it now?

 

LOL ... I am so ok with it that I am totally "out of the closet" ... to EVERYONE, including on my dating profiles. I really don't care who knows ... because anyone who sees me as a "whore" or "dirty" isn't a true friend... and I only surround myself with positive ( :) ) people. Isn't it funny that it took 35 years of being "Positive" (longer actually as I've had H1 oral since the age of 3) to get a point of refusing to have anything but emotionally/spiritually positive people around me ;) .

 

So you are really worried about the disclosure. That is normal ... especially the first time or two. So I'm going to post some links about disclosures (including a bunch of successful disclosures on here) to start you off... then come back with your thoughts/concerns :)

 

My Coming Out story (long thread I'm afraid... get the popcorn)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1754/im-out-of-the-herpes-closet

 

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

 

Successful disclosures

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2390/update-on-my-for-my-h-opp-peeps nic4897

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2445/my-success-story simplyme24

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2495/a-coming-out-story- DanieM

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2544/disclosure silentstandoff

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1644/having-the-herpes-talk-with-a-new-partner Daisy

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2689/first-time-disclosing-herpes-and-very-very-nervous paleogardenerkika

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2789/about-to-have-the-herpes-talk Empowered 74

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2833/this-was-a-first kitcattat

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2892/first-disclosing-talk-with-a-new-guy-so-relieved Figuringthisout

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2879/rekindling-an-old-flame Valkyrie

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3021/successful-herpes-disclosure Starsinhereyes

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said- thisisgoingtobeok

 

Herpes facts video

 

W

[WCSDancer2010]

@hope

 

And I also have noticed that when I'm feeling upset, or stressed, H becomes a convenient scapegoat. My life is not bad because I'm having financial/family/relationship/work problems. It's just bad because I have herpes. H is almost a fail safe thing for me to focus on. If that makes sense. That way I don't "have " to focus on what's really under the surface.

 

If it wasn't Herpes, it would be you are too fat, stupid, old, ugly, whatever. Herpes just magnifies our insecurities and, as you have discovered (go YOU!) it becomes a convenient scape-goat for our insecurities and fears. So when H starts to get in your head, stop and ask yourself what your REAL fear is? Being unlovable? Being mis-understood? Ugly? Stupid??? Use your H to let you know when your REAL insecurities are being triggered. ;)

 

And ... be gentle on yourself :)

[HerryTheHerp]

Here's lookin' at you kid!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDZp2RNOIZ4