Disclosed and discouraged

[californiaheart]

I am 25 and just learned of my diagnosis a few months ago. I waited to lose my virginity until 24 for multiple reasons and as it turned out, the first one was the one to transmit it to me. I've dated my fair share of really shitty guys- but he wasn't one so that made the diagnosis even more difficult. I'd dealt with it though and felt like I was in a good place to start dating again.

 

I had recently been dating a guy for about a little less than two months. The first guy since my diagnosis. He was a really great guy. For the first time that I can honestly remember (and at the risk of sounding dramatic) I saw this guy as someone that I could be with for the long haul- and I am never one to see things going long-term. So I finally disclosed to him a few days ago. My timing was just as much for him as it was for me. I didn't want either of us too emotionally invested. After a day of him being normal, followed by a few days of basically the silent treatment, he asked to meet up though I knew what was coming. He broke it off, saying he's looking for someone that he could marry and that this was a deal breaker. That he hadn't made up his mind right away but that his decision was final. He was decent about it and I guess that part is good.

 

I have a very supportive people around me but I am still feeling extremely defeated and very sad. The fact that things had been so good until I disclosed brings up a lot of feelings of resentment towards the guy that gave it to me, hurt that the guy that I was dating didn't like me enough to see past this and dread at being able to find someone that I really like that can accept this. I don't feel defined or boxed in by this virus, I've never had an outbreak and am on the daily suppressants. But the fact that this really great guy couldn't see past any of that has me thinking that the way I feel about this is wrong. It's made me feel defined.

 

I am also medicated for anxiety and having to disclose in addition to the few days of the silent treatment caused my anxiety to skyrocket- which I have a Xanax prescription for moments like those but that makes me very zombie like which is obviously not ideal. I guess I am just looking for some supportive words and any advice on people who've dealt with something similar. I am feeling hopeless in having to do this moving forward and the idea of having to deal with my anxiety getting so intense each time I have to disclose is just very discouraging.

[HerryTheHerp]

Sounds like there are some clouds rolling in over the coast. Let's see if I can help the sun break through the fog.

 

You feel defined? Ok, here's your definitions: 1. Woman, 2. Human. Know what that means? It means you experience emotions, have hopes, pursue dreams, and are mortal like the rest of us. Everything else doesn't define anything about you. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it also means you have a penchant for Haagen Daaz as well.

 

Now, the guy who gave you herpes. Did he do it on purpose? If not, try not to look at him in a bad light. I know that's hard, but remember a lot of people don't know they have it. Remember that relationship for what it was; an amazing experience with someone you cared about and loved enough to share a very personal experience with.

 

As far as the most recent guy, well, that's a tough blow and it sounds like he thought about it and came to the conclusion that it's more than he can handle. I know that hurts, and I know that it's making you feel lonely and sad. Go ahead and grieve the loss of the relationship, but don't let it define your future relationships. There are approximately 3 billion men on the planet; one rejected you. That means you have 2,999,999,999 to go. That's a lot of dates, but, it means you have a lot of options.

 

People get rejected all the time over lots of things. Herpes is just one of them. Who knows? Even if he would have accepted the H, 6 months from now your Barbie collection might have driven him over the edge and out the door. Honestly, he did you a favor because he showed you a portion of his character. I know that sounds pithy and trite, but it's true. Today it's herpes, 50 years from now it's cancer. If he doesn't have the balls for herpes, he's not going to have them for any of the other biggies life can throw at us. He says he's looking for someone to marry, and well, none of us are perfect. We all have things inside us ranging from Chicken Pox to herpes, and a long-term sexual relationship involves taking those things and taking the risk we'll acquire them from our partners. It's basic biology, and well, he'll figure that out someday. For now, let him fly.

 

If he really loves you, if he really cares, he's gonna come back. If not, oh well, it's his loss and I can tell from your words and what you wrote that you've got a big heart and a lot of compassion and love to share with someone. There's a lucky guy out there looking for you, and when he finds you, well, hell and high water won't ever make him let go. Until you find him, remember to love yourself. Remember to spoil yourself. At the end of the day, loving yourself is the greatest thing any of us can ever learn to do.

 

 

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@californiaheart

 

Herry is right ... and one of the most important things you need to get is what he said here:

 

Honestly, he did you a favor because he showed you a portion of his character. I know that sounds pithy and trite, but it's true. Today it's herpes, 50 years from now it's cancer. If he doesn't have the balls for herpes, he's not going to have them for any of the other biggies life can throw at us. He says he's looking for someone to marry, and well, none of us are perfect. We all have things inside us ranging from Chicken Pox to herpes, and a long-term sexual relationship involves taking those things and taking the risk we'll acquire them from our partners.

 

Over time you will find that Herpes is a great Wingman. You will find that it helps you to weed out people in your life who are less likely to be able to deal with the "tough stuff" in relationships, or who are easily influenced by the crap on the Internet (instead of getting sound advice from a site like this), or they are germphobes, closed minded, etc. It sounds like he was kind about it, and as he said, it's just a deal breaker for him. It *may* be that he actually realized that he really "just wasn't that into you" and this made him face reality ... in which case, H definitely did you a favor. Many guys will get physical and THEN decide that it isn't working for them ... and I personally find that much more frustrating and hurtful.

 

So be thankful. People in sales have a saying "Every No is one step closer to a Yes". He's out of your way ... he's not the guy for you, but you got to practice disclosure with him. We have a ton of success stories on here of discordant couples ... and the H+ person was often in your shoes only months before.

 

Rejection sucks. At least, until you understand that there is a HUGE biological component to it. I'm going to post some links for you to read that I think may help you to get some clarity on what just happened ... but do know that life DOES go on and you will be just fine, you will find love, and H will just be a nuisance issue... take it from a 35 yr veteran of H ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3296/this-is-water-this-is-water- Choice

 

Rejection

 

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

 

[californiaheart]

@WCSDancer2010 and @HerryTheHerp

 

Your words (and references) are exactly what I needed to hear and have helped more than I can say at a time that I have been feeling not so great. I can see myself coming back to this any time I need to be reminded. Thank you both for your responses and for taking the time to read my story.

[WCSDancer2010]

We are here for you friend .... keep reading here. Knowing you are not alone is half the battle ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[VirusEnhanced]

Agree with everything that's been said. If that "man" Can't deal with something like herpes... well I'd be curious to see who he ends up with rofl! bubble woman?

 

Live long and prosper, this virus is just a virus one more human condition. Life goes on :-) Still can be whatever you make it!