Made a mistake of not disclosing

[Guest]

Hello everyone!

 

I am new to this forum, and as a member. I've never exposed my life online like this nor do I allow myself to be a vulnerable person, almost at all. So, this is really weird for me and I don't really know where to start. However, I know that this is the place to be vulnerable of all places, because I've read some other discussions and all I see is an overwhelming amount of support.

[VirusEnhanced]

Well I'm going to allow the more articulate members to comment further. But I suppose a "Silver lining" is know the fact that it's expected 80-90% of the population contract HSV-1 by the time they are 40+ Between exposure from asymptomatic people like kissing, sharing drinks/utensils, and most contract hsv-1 as children. So perhaps the man has it and just doesn't know it. If he has never been tested for HSV-1 he very well may have it with or without exposure from you.

 

Worst case scenario is you both have HSV-1 but you'll both live. I can't comment on the relationship part as I find no easy answer. (when is life ever easy :-) )

[WCSDancer2010]

First - Hello and Welcome. This is a judgement-free zone so you talk about what you need to talk about, when you need to talk about it, ok???

 

@VirusEnhanced is right - it's very possible he has H1 orally - 60% of young adults have it and 80%+ of the population by the time they get to 40+ ... and he may well not even know he has it if he never had a cold sore.

 

So - time to clean the mess up, eh? You really need to do this sooner rather than later. If you are talking about moving in together he needs to have time to consider his thoughts around this. You were not given the choice around having H1 - if you love him, then you know he deserves that choice.

 

*Tough Love Alert*

Personally, I am not sure you are ready for a steady relationship ... but if you go forward with this, then you really, REALLY owe it to him to get any counseling/support you can, because if not, this tendency to "conveniently forget" thing will come back to haunt you both. And perhaps this can be part of the lead-in to the H talk - bring up the issue with the childs father, how you were so traumatized that you shoved it to the back of your mind as a coping mechanism in 2010 and you are slowly starting to get your life back. That you want him to be part of your life. But that means being vulnerable and you are still working on that, and you hope he will understand that you are working though a lot of stuff around this. Then you can tell him you have one more place where you have to be vulnerable and let him know one more thing about yourself...but that if you are going to start a life together, that you want to do it with a clean, transparent slate.

 

You can start by asking him if he has ever had a cold sore. If he says yes, you can say that you got the equivalent of a cold sore, but you get it on your nether regions. Then give him the facts (including that given he has already had cold sores, he is far less likely to get it and if you use Anti-viral medication you can keep the risk of transmission to a minimum... AND you don't have to worry about him performing oral sex and passing it to you which is a bonus.

 

If he says no, then you start by telling him that you have the equivalent of cold sores down south, and it's still possible he carries the same virus because 60+% of people in your age bracket have it and 80% of them don't know it and it's not tested for in STD panels. Then give him the facts about shedding and the meds you can take, etc. And then you will have to let him know that you know that it is wrong that you have not told him before now, but it started with the "trauma amnesia" and once you got involved again, you have just not been able to come out with it for fear of losing him. And you will HAVE to give him permission to think about it and do what is right for him. Yes, he may very well feel betrayed.... wouldn't you???

 

Every day that you wait, you live with the knowledge that you are keeping this from him, AND you are putting him at risk of getting it (if he doesn't have it already). Once you get it out into the open, you can discuss going on antivirals and using condoms (the FC2 Female condom is a good alternative to the regular ones if he hates condoms.

 

I also would suggest that you both go for STD testing together as a way to make sure you are both STD free (did you EVER discuss this with him?) and to establish a foundation where there are no secrets in that area...

 

(((HUGS))) Take a deep breathe and get this done my friend. You owe it to him if you love him that much ;)

[HerryTheHerp]

Not sure I can add much more beyond what's already been said. But, there are some silver linings.

 

Most importantly, you've already put some pretty serious information in front of this guy and he hasn't bolted, has shown support, and cares about you. That's a pretty good indication he's a guy with some serious character.

 

I'd suggest laying everything out on the table and being as honest and up front as you can. HSV1 is a very common occurence. I highly doubt it will shy him away.

 

Also, and I agree with Dancer, you need to be 100% confident in yourself, who you are, and what you want in a relationship before you get involved in a relationship. The cycle of abuse is brutal, and if you don't know who you are, what you want, and have the confidence needed to achieve it, that cycle continues. Above all else, this is what you need to be focused on; discovering who you are and what you want your life to be like; then making it happen.