HSV-1 officially confirmed (bummer). Trying to cope with positivity & perspective.

[SunshineinaBottle]

The Planned Parenthood letter just arrived (bless you PP) and it's official: Herpes 1. I've basically known this information for about 2 weeks but now I have the paperwork in front of me with the Herpes culture "Abnormal positive" box checked and a handwritten blue note saying "for HSV1 only." I never thought I'd be thankful to read--& identify--with those words.

 

It's been a whirlwind 2.5 weeks since I first started experiencing symptoms to this point. My lady bits felt irritated and inflamed after sex but I didn't think too much about it since I knew myself and my partner had both recently been tested. We had sex again a few days later and oh buddy was the mystery over: Pain! Pain! Pain! I had to drive cross-country and lordy did that hurt. Peeing hurt. Walking hurt. Sitting hurt. Standing hurt. Wearing pants hurt. Not wearing pants hurt. Showers hurt. The absence of water or wetwipes hurt. Bajeezus do these stinking lil things hurt! I was showering twice a day (hey it hurt but it was also a little relief) and was halfway across the country when I found my first sore. I think I knew from that moment on it wasn't an issue of too little lube, too much roughness or a run of the mill yeast infection... But I still wanted to linger in denial as long as possible...

 

When I arrived at my destination 2 days later my first act of business was a visit to PP where the NP immediately identified the sores as herpes. Anger. Confusion. Anger. Shame. Some tears... More anger...the usual... I'll spare you. A lot of anger. Sadness too... A conversation happened. It wasn't pleasant. He got tested and yep, culprit identified, simple loop of reasoning confirmed.

...

 

I feel I've always been vigilant about my sexual health. Always insisted on testing and condoms. Have had an IUD for years. Vigilant about talking to partners before we "go there." Read books about empowered sexuality. Encouraged friends to take greater control of their reproductive & sexual health. How could this happen [to me]? Man was I PISSED. I was in shock too. 2 years ago I had a herpes scare when I was exposed to a partner; I was tested then and was negative for both so I knew with this outbreak that it was recent exposure and not some fluke, long-lingering infection. Very recent exposure, in fact. All the pieces fit together.

 

...

 

I'll spare some of the story/whining and skip to some of the processing that's been really challenging for me: For one, this is a community I never wanted to be a part of. An element of my identity I never wanted to have to own up to. I'm sorry, I'm sure you're all great but let's be honest: we'd probably prefer to not have this nuisance and the scarlet bumps of societal shame to go with it. Hell, it's painful enough without trying to figure out how to relate to the stigma; never mind the "talk."

 

It's awful... that's really what #1 means. I felt elements of my otherwise generally solid identity shaking. The self-image of myself as a responsible, sexually active adult, an advocate even for responsible sexuality, just felt obliterated in less than an instant. I've worked to overcome social stigma as a woman who actually claims & identifies with her sexuality. I'm overcoming esteem issues to acknowledge and healthily act upon sexual needs and urges, as well as more general intimacy desires. It's been a long, often fraught path of overcoming past negativities & abuses.. I'm nearly 30 and was honestly just starting to feel a blossoming of my sexuality and feminine empowerment from a comfortable, non-fear & non-self-hating place. I was giving myself permission to be more sexually assertive and exploring more elements of my sexuality--and I was liking it! I was especially liking it because it felt motivated from a place of pride, personal accountability and responsible (not reckless) decisions.

 

One of the things I'm now most struggling with is how to integrate this diagnosis into my sense of sexual & personal self-esteem, how to balance that with being responsible towards others; ultimately not jeopardizing my own sense of self-respect. I never sport fucked or did much casual sleeping around; I really haven't traditionally indulged that much outside of monogamous relationships or flings. In this pre-herpes diagnosis stage I was starting to more boldly explore non-traditional partnerships & dabble in relationships founded on common sexuality more than future-partner potential. Moving away from some of the predominant Princess myths to writing my own fairy tale based on satisfaction, mutual respect & honesty. It was liberating and empowering...

 

Now, with this diagnosis, I really don't know how (or even if it's possible) to continue down that path..? That dismays me. I don't want to abandon my sexual development but it's hard to feel much empowerment from this diagnosis. I feel a sense of irretrievable loss. Confusion too:

 

Will I find healthy play partners? Will it be possible to continue developing my sexuality without long-term monogamous relationships? How can I develop intimacy with someone I'm sexually attracted without making myself overly emotionally involved? Can I tell my friends, how will I tell my friends? How will I confront stigma (I'm not prone to much in the way of ahem, filtering)? Will I have to courage to pursue a healthy, openly-communicative relationship with someone for whom I really care for--only to risk rejection when we have the talk? This stuff terrifies me and throws me into a mental/emotional tailspin pandemonium type space. It makes HSV suck all over again each time I realize some new, or imagined, impact.

 

I know none of these problems are new or unique. They are what I am experiencing, struggling with and trying to sort through in as healthy a way as possible...

 

Of course, I also have some of the lingering slut-stigma & internal slut-shaming that is oh-too common in our culture of Puritanical repression... I know that's bullshit and detaching from that is a sort of ongoing, lifelong process. This diagnosis does add a layer of "See what happens to "bad girls"?" and "who do you think you are to be independent/empowered/sexual [and female], of course it was going to catch up with you?" All these aggressive thoughts are obviously toxic--but I'm acknowledging them in hopes of moving through them. Maybe some of you can venture some advice for getting beyond that patriarchal BS juggernaut.

 

Thanks for reading my tale of woe and my current emotional conundrum. I'm heartened by this community and the strong emphasis on positivity. I'm so glad (h) opportunity was one of the very first resources I found. It immediately helped me to put this diagnosis into perspective and to halt many of the negative voices. It's just a diagnosis & only one element of my identity--these are my current mantras when I start to go to the pandemonium place. Thanks so much for whatever support, advice, camaraderie you can offer!

[WCSDancer2010]

@SunshineinaBottle

 

First - Hello and Welcome!

 

It sounds like, in theory, you get that Herpes doesn't define you and that it has nothing to do with being - or not being - a "slut". Herpes doesn't care who you are, how much money you have, how many partners you have had (I got it on my first sexual experience and got Oral herpes at age 3 .... so I'm a prime example of that!). We've had virgins on here who got it from oral sex and people who are poly/multi-partnered. We've had 15 yr olds and 70 yr olds having their first OB. 30 yr monogamous partners. You name it, we have someone in that category who got it :(

 

Bottom line: With sex comes risk (as you obviously know from what you lectured your friends about). Period. According to the CDC anyone who is remotely sexually active will get at least one strain of HPV in their lifetime. And if you look at the numbers for all the different STD's combined, there's a shit-load of people out there with at least one STD. Unless and until the CDC and other health-governing agencies changes their testing and public education policies, it's unlikely to change... tho I hope that some of us, like myself and Adrial, can affect at least *some* change with our efforts.

 

As for the stigma, well, at least half of it is in your head and you have the choice to buy into it and let the blame and shame run the show, or you can tell the stigma to go to hell and be proud of who you are, because H doesn't change that at all.

 

Regarding your wish to continue to explore your sexuality, we have at least 2 BDSM members on here and there is evidently a chat board for that group where you can discuss how to handle it if that's what you are into.... and I bet if that's not it, there's a chat board *somewhere* for that group that you can ask about how to handle H within whatever you are into. We've also had a couple "success stories" this year of people who had a one-night stand after disclosure.

 

To be honest, since you have HSV1, you ARE in the majority. Just that most people don't know that they are there with you. H1 is the "cold sore" version so anyone who has had one or who tests positive for it, wherever it's located, has at least *some* immunity.

 

You sound like you are the kind of person who can and wants to affect a change around women's sexuality.... and you can. If you come out to your friends, you can say you are a perfect example of how a careful, responsible person can get an STD. I am 100% "out" about my status and I have to say it's not been a huge issue ... even on my regular dating profiles (where I put my status and info on Herpes) I'm getting H- guys who are applauding me for my honesty and transparancy. We have people on here time and again saying they have found deeper and more meaningful love than they ever had post diagnosis. I know you are not looking for that now, but just letting you know that disclosure doesn't have to be a "bad" thing. I tell people all the time that Herpes can be your Wingman....because it helps you to see someone for who they REALLY are when you disclose.

 

I'm going to give you some links to some of my blogs and info on here to give you some things to chew on, and some self-care tips as well. Read as much as you can here and on Adrial's blog too. There's so much great advice on here.... ;)

 

In the end, this will be a blip on your radar.... for now, vent, ask questions, and read all you can :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Self Care Suggestions:

 

Go Commando as much as possible - getting air to the area can help to dry it out more quickly

 

Reduce stress as much as possible - Herpes feeds off stress!!! It can become a good barometer for you that your body needs attention in some form or other

 

Look up Trigger Foods/triggers on here in the FAQ and search bar - lots of topics on them ... the main foods are chocolate and nuts but you want to learn about the Lysine/Argenine balance that can help keep Herpes under control

 

Epsom Salts baths can do wonders for some. Sit in the bath and dump a few handfuls of the salts right between your legs. Relax and let the salts do their thing then get out and dry off, finishing with a blow drier set on low heat to really get the area dry.

 

These 4 things seem to do the most help for the most people. Aloe Vera CREAM (make sure ALOE is one of the first ingredients and there isn't a bunch of other crap like petroleum and if it has glycerine, it's AFTER the Aloe in the ingredients .. go to a Health food store for your best chance of getting a good product) or Zinc cream may help during the day to keep it from sticking and help relieve the pain ..

 

Also: Gold Bond Spray powder - right after exercising/hot showers/etc. Supposedly really cools the area ;)

 

Links

 

FAQs:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1758/frequently-asked-questions-on-herpes-and-popular-conversations/p1

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3296/this-is-water-this-is-water- Choice

 

http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1754/im-out-of-the-herpes-closet

 

Successful casual sex disclosure stories

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it thiisgoingtobeok

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3271/first-disclosure-was-a-success-i-can-breathe-now- Rogue1313

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3368/my-one-night-wonder Willow

 

Alternate lifestyle discussion

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/comment/15907#Comment_15907

 

My Blog Pages

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/driving-yourself-crazy/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

Herpes facts video

 

 

 

 

[SunshineinaBottle]

Hi Dancer,

 

You're like the official Herpes welcome wagon--and that's kinda awesome!

 

I love this line: "In the end, this will be a blip on your radar.... for now, vent, ask questions, and read all you can"

 

I do see this as a blip, a blip to be integrated and one that hopefully doesn't blip up too much but I refuse to see it as horribly debilitating, shameful, catastrophic, etc. etc. I'm too much of a person in so many other facets of my life to consider letting this be something that I would allow to take any kind of charge of my life. But that's a mentality that is not yet stalwart and the resolve to be positive and see myself for all those wonderful positive things can be fleeting. It's a practice that requires engraining after recovering from some of the trauma, hurt and grief--so, it's really great to have a cheerleader like you, Adriel and these other resources to help keep me on track.

 

The wisdom that this need not be a defining characteristic, of me individually or of any future romantic relationships, IS empowering. As you and Adriel have said, it can be an asset; I'm not coming around to that but my natural optimism is dragging me along to a place of gratitude that this is isn't worse than it is, that my health and self-image are more-or-less still intact. The idea that Herpes is a wingman, well intellectually I can buy into that a bit but for now I still feel like retreating a bit, licking my wounds and really trying to process this in as upfront a way as possible. Yes, being an advocate is one option, educating myself is not optional and learning about infection rates, the prevalence of carriers, transmission, etc. is also comforting.

 

I do hope that over time the stigma diminishes, I know that I have more of a part to play in that now than ever. And, in a weird way, I kind of look forward to "coming out" about my herpes and hopefully finding solidarity with others who are H+ or H- allies.

 

One thing I'm trying to better understand is why there isn't better Herpes-related education. We discuss on here and others herpes websites the origin of the stigma but what is the explanation for why there isn't better awareness, testing, & education related to herpes..? especially since it's so common! My mind immediately goes to public health policies that deem this topic not enough of a priority (b/c it can be fairly easily managed?), too stigmatized to tackle, too widespread in the population, etc. etc. Still, I'm amazed how few people realize they aren't tested in a standard STD panel and/or don't realize that cold sores transmit the virus. I was aware of these facts and yet here I am, another of the millions of positives.

 

So there you go. More processing. More gratitude for this community. Thanks for any responses and commentary, words of support, resources, etc.

[WCSDancer2010]

Still, I'm amazed how few people realize they aren't tested in a standard STD panel

 

IMO the CDC doesn't want the public to know because they recommend that we not be tested ... so they don't want the public educated because then they would be asking for it . Their reasoning is the stress put on the people who get false positive results, but that's less than 5% of tests so that doesn't make sense to me either. We have to get to a point where we can go in front of the CDC and make them realize that their policy is causing the numbers of new cases to be at a level that, with any other disease, would be seen as an epidemic :/