Just had my first talk....

[Lisi]

I was diagnosed with HSV2 about 1.5 years ago. I was devastated at the time. I was in a monogamous relationship and completely uneducated about the herpes. I do know now that my bf at the time was aware he had it and did not disclose, not that it even matters at this point. We broke up about a year ago. Over the last year, I have gotten educated and worked thru the social stigma for myself however very few people in my life know. My closest cousin and one girlfriend. Just recently I finally started dating again. I met a guy who I really liked. We went on three dates and I could see it could be something that could grow, so I decided it was time to tell him. I was so scared. I told him and at first he handled it well. Said he just needed some time to process and to learn more about it. After a few hours, he called me back and asked me some questions. And that was it. Days passed and I never heard from him again. It was like the wound from my initial diagnosis was opened all over again. I feel shame. It feels so awful. It certainly won't discourage me from always being honest, but honestly, I don't think I even want to date again to not have to feel like this again. To start feeling those butterflies again only to come down with a sledgehammer when its time to let the person know. I am also very private so don't feel comfortable telling everyone right off the bat, especially when I am not even sure there is connection. Its just this sadness I feel. The tears flow freely. It does feel less like rejection, and more like acceptance, but I also feel anger. I don't even know who or what I am angry at, and saying I am angry makes me cry some more. Almost feel betrayed by my own body somehow. I know there are worse things and I do feel sometimes grateful for how the hsv has made me so much more open minded and compassionate. It is just experiencing the connection with someone and then all the sudden it changes just from sharing this little "imperfection", its just hard to deal with. Feeling alone. Thought I would give this a shot.

[willow]

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