Handling Rejection

[greeneyes]

I am sure this topic has already been brought up somewhere, but I wasn't able to find it. I discovered I had herpes from a man that I was dating but wasn't serious with when I was in my mid 20's. When I mentioned it to him he told me it wasn't him, I had gotten it from someone else (which wasn't true as I had my initial outbreak a week after sleeping with him). I met my husband (who actually wasn't going to tell me about his status until I spilled the beans!) and he had it as well. We were married for 12 years and just got divorced 6 months ago after an emotionally abusive marriage. I recently started dating on a dating site and was overwhelmed by the interest I received. I have had over 700 emails, 12,000 views and many many requests for dates. After being in an abusive marriage it was very flattering to know that I was sought after and considered sexy. I have gone out with many men and have only kissed. I have told one person on that site that I was casually dating about my status ( only because he straight up asked me if I was clean, and I knew I couldn't lie after he told be a story of how his cousin contracted herpes). He was very much into me, pursuing me, calling me, scheduling for me to meet his friends, telling me how beautiful and sexy I was and couldn't wait to make love to me..until I admitted my herpes status. He recoiled in horror..and I have watched him lose interest quickly. It was painful to watch someone lose interest especially over something I couldn't help, so I decided to end things. I let him know today that what we "had" was fun but needed to stop. He instantly texted me back and said he 100% agreed and hoped that we could be friends and wished me thee best. I feel disgusting, devastated and as though no one will ever want me. I am just getting back into the dating world and feel hopeless. I am on suppressive therapy, haven't had outbreaks in years and really don't want to tell anyone this again. The pain of feeling like a leper and being discarded is more than I can handle.

[cwmj2012]

Well dont be so hard on yourself. There is someone for every one. There is alot of good advice on this site. I am new to it, yesterday I signed up. I would just scroll the headlines. You will be encourage

[WCSDancer2010]

@greeneyes

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Ok - so here's the deal .... by the way that guy "recoiled in horror" and couldn't wait to get away fast enough, I can tell you ... he wasn't into YOU... he just wanted to GET INTO you. ;)

 

You are fresh on the dating scene after a longish marriage and I can tell you (I've been there!), it's a scary thing after you have been "off the market" for awhile and we can easily jump into any relationship where someone gives you attention without slowing things down long enough to get to know them.

 

One thing about Herpes: it's a GREAT Wingman. You will get to see a person for who they are VERY quickly with disclosure ;) Not that it's "wrong" if someone *chooses* to not date you after disclosure ... you have to learn that it's just another deal breaker, just like if you said you were a recovering alcoholic and the other person chose to not date you because of their beliefs or experiences with an alcoholic. But if they can't wait to get away from you, they were pursuing you with the wrong head ;)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think

 

As for rejection:

 

Our response to rejection (and even *potential* rejection) is actually a very primitive automatic response ... one which is no longer serving us... it used to be something that helped us to "behave" so that we wouldn't be cast out of the group...because that would mean certain death. Cults and other groups use this as a way to get people to join them ... and it translates in relationships as something that we take personally when it happens to us.... that we are "bad" or "unlovable" if someone won't choose to stay with us. Once I understood this, I found that rejections don't bother me nearly as much as they used to. I've learned to love and respect myself, and to trust that when someone rejects me, it's not about me .... so check these links out ... hopefully they will help you to understand it better so you can learn to bounce back faster ... and THANK that person for getting out of your way so you can be open to the RIGHT person.

 

Rejection

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4699/first-real-disclosure-first-real-rejection Rejection as your teacher…..

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

And finally - read all the Success Stories that you can on here. They will help you to see the pattern that I've seen on here time and again ... where H slows the progress of the relationship down so both people learn about a the other person BEFORE they get intimate and that when disclosure happens, it's because the other person EARNED THE RIGHT to see us in that vulnerable place ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hi @greeneyes,

 

First of all, a lot of us have felt exactly what you are feeling. Many, if not all of us, have been there. My very first post was all about it... when I was diagnosed, I was seeing someone, and it was actually much more difficult to deal with losing him than coming to terms with having herpes.

 

You read my story here: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4384/coping-with-diagnosis-and-039what-if039#Item_4

 

Here's another string with a similar situation:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/comment/20921#Comment_20921

 

Since then, I have not had to disclose to anyone yet, but I have come a long way on the path to healing, and feel very confident that if a man will not accept this part of me, then he was not meant to be mine, or I, his. People are rejected for many different on a regular basis, and I bet you have already done it while online dating. Sometimes, it's height, age, distance, kids, smoking, drinking, faith, and sometimes it's herpes... I know I have rejected men for other reasons, and this is no different. If they don't want to assume the risk, then they don't have to... it doesn't make them bad people. Be proud of yourself for being honest, being vulnerable and giving them the choice to decide. That commands a lot of respect, and trust and says just how beautiful you really are as a person. One day, a man will come along that will want to assume the risk, because he will see that everything about you is worth it. There is no one on this planet exactly like you, and he will see all of your greatness and never want to let you go. I know this hurts like hell, but it will get better with time... just give yourself some time to heal before getting back out there. But please, get back out there... what is the alternative in not putting our hearts on the line? A life of loneliness and despair? I say, no thank you! That is just not an option anyone should ever have to consider at the expense of society's narrow-minded view of herpes. And, think of the opportunity, to be that vulnerable, to be that open to something, and than have them openly accept you and love you, that's profound love, and it also says a lot about their ability to handle the hard stuff in life. Herpes is nothing in comparison to very difficult life events. Knowing someone will be able to take it in stride resonates deeply with me.

 

Anyways, cry if you have to cry, sulk if you have to sulk, but don't stay there too long. Life is far to beautiful to waste it on the past, or on people who can't appreciate everything we have to offer. There is so much to look forward to, stay strong. Here's a quote that I thought was sweet and a good reminder that people will appreciate you:

 

"Someone you haven't met yet is wondering what it would be like to know someone like you."

 

And some words of strength from another member, my go-to in moment's of doubt:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/comment/20999#Comment_20999

 

Hope this helps, sending you lots of love.