feeling guilty.

[ann122]

So I was diagnosed with type 1 genital last march. I havent had an outbreak since. But every now and then I do get symptoms (most commonly swollen lymph nodes). I know I got it from my boyfriend because he had a cold sore the next morning and he did a blood test for hsv1 which came back positive. INITIALLY i was told that it was impossibly for him to get it from me genitally because he already has the antibodies for it. But at a recent appointment my doctor said its not impossible, just highly unlikely.

 

I CANT STAND UNCERTAINTY. This is driving me crazy. I'm on suppressive antivirals but we never use condoms. What are the odds of him actually getting it from me? To be honest I never told him I have it genitally because I was so embarassed and start sobbing if I even think about it. Since I thought it was impossible to transmit it I just never told him. Now that I know its possible its just eating away at me. I feel horrible and feel like I have to disclose even though it happened a year ago. If he gets it without me telling him I would hate myself forever. This has completely changed my life and I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Just looking for some stats and advice :/

[ann122]

side note....he knows I carry the virus. Just not where.

[WCSDancer2010]

I CANT STAND UNCERTAINTY.

 

Honey.... LIFE is uncertain. Any life well lived assumes RISK. Period. Don't like it? Go live in a bubble. Even then, you can't be certain of how long you would manage to live that way. 😉

 

One thing is certain. He has HSV1 orally because you said he had a cold sore. So he carries the antibodies which gives him *some* immunity. So what we know (according to CURRENT medical knowledge/understanding, which can also change with newer studies) is:

 

1) your BF has HSV1

2) he thus has *some* antibodies

3) The risk of passing HSV 2 (the "other" H virus) to him with nothing would be about 5%

4) HSV1 sheds about 1/3 as much as HSV2 in the genital region, so that should cut your risk to about 1-2%

5) You are on anti-virals so that cuts the risk in half again... so now we are looking at 1/2-1% risk. AND he has anti-bodies, so that reduces the risk even further.

 

All that said - you could get in your car today, pull out of your driveway, and get killed (or kill someone) as you rounded the corner ... and I bet you never asked what your risk of doing that is (FYI lifetime risk is 2% for dying in a car accident). We do things EVERY DAY that could injure or kill us or those around us. So again, if you want to live with certainty, go live in a bubble.

 

Now, as for disclosing to him. Uh - honey, you got it FROM him. Why are you so embarassed to tell him? And you certainly are right that if he went against all the odds and managed to get it from you, it's likely not going to go down well that you didn't tell him. He deserves to know. AND, if he walks away because of the MINUTE risk of getting it from you (give that HE gave it to you) , he's a jerk and while you may not be able to see that immediately, you will be thankful that you learned that about him because you will find someone who just won't care about your status if they love you enough 😉

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

 

Herpes facts video

 

[ann122]

thanks @wcsdancer2010, I just gotta figure out a way to tell him now. I appreciate it though