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disclosing to anyone who will stand still long enough...

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with mixed results. But mostly I'd say I'm pleased with how it's been going, more or less.


My first disclosure was to my best friend who just happened to have her first outbreak a month before me. That was handy! And in fact I think it was a lot easier for me to get through that initial shock because I went through it with her first.


Second disclosure happened completely by mistake when I mistakenly texted a guy I was just starting to get involved with a text that was meant for my friend. Gah! It was a horrible feeling as soon as I hit send. :( And I really didn't even know yet if it was herpes. And it was especially awful because I liked him so much. :( We had only met once but had spent countless hours over a couple of weeks texting. The night we spent together was so romantic and sweet, dinner and drinks, walk on the beach, stayed up all night making out like teenagers. No sex, thank god. So for the first few hours after the dreaded text he was ok, but increasingly distant. Then he said instead of going through with our plans for a real date, maybe we should just do lunch. Then cancelled lunch. Then texted "I don't know what I do want, but I know I don't want this. I'll have to take a pass." :( Those were his exact words. I thought that was an insanely cold thing to say and do and I told him I thought there was no humanity in that at all. I can't even believe I liked him as much as I did. I am now stuck between missing him and feeling thankful that I didn't get involved with someone who could be that way.


Second guy I told was also someone I was just starting to get involved with. lol I was having a busy week, I guess. This one had decided from the minute he laid eyes on me that he was in love or something... I had also spent a night with him, making out like teenagers, no sex, thank god. lol I wasn't as excited about him. There were things I really liked about him, but also things that made me nervous. But we had a date planned and I decided after the dx to just go ahead and see how he reacted. He was *great* about the herpes! So weird. It was actually the night that I was dx'd and it was so nice to have him be attentive and sweet. But he was super overbearing and wanted me to report every move I made to him. It was kind of impossible. So, that had to end... lol


Then there was the guy I thought maybe I had gotten it from, and if I didn't get it from him, then I was afraid he might have gotten it from me because I was with him about 2 1/2 days before I saw the first sore, but I was a little scared that the sore had been there for a while before I saw it. So I really wanted him to know what was going on but I didn't want to text it to him. I invited him over bc my kids were home (asked him over for after they were asleep) and I felt really bad bc I know he was expecting a much funner time than was possible given the active outbreak and all. So I told him and he looked freaking devastated. Like, completely freaked. I felt so bad. I was pretty sure he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. I shoulda just not told him, I think. Gah! So we talked for a couple of hours which I found to be pretty difficult just because he was so sad and scared about it. But then we had a really sweet night together just cuddling. It was kinda what I needed. When he left everything was good, nice goodbye... And then I texted him two days later and he was PISSED. I asked him what exactly he thought I had done wrong and he didn't answer me. The meat of his problem with me seems to be that because I'm 15 years older than him I should have been taking care of him better. If things are over between us (and that was just yesterday so who knows) I'm bummed if that's the way it ended. I really liked him. Definitely more of a FWB thing than a full blown romance, but I thought he was a really good guy.


And then tonight I disclosed by text to someone I haven't met yet. He's been visiting my profile at okcupid for *months* and I was really feeling like we were kinda meant for each other from his profile. He reminds me so much of the two men in my life from years ago who are the ones I'm really sad to have let get away. He first contacted me after my dx, so just like 4 or 5 days ago. In our first text convo, we realized that he knew someone that I had worked for and spent a lot of time with 20 years ago who is my personal hero and he felt the same way about him. And there are very few people who would say that about this guy. He's in his 90's now and probably not on anybody's radar. So we have this weird shit in common that feels really cool. But he lives two hours away. And I know that when we meet it's not gonna be a dinner date, it's gonna be like a weekend. And if there was no herpes in the air that would involve sex. So I've been debating and debating about whether to wait till we've met to disclose, but tonight I just blurted it out. And he was awesome about it! It's really nice, too, because he's an MD and he obviously knows something about it and whether or not he does, I have disclosed and rather than feel like I have some responsibility to educate him on it, I feel like he's perfectly capable of taking care of himself in regards to this thing. What a freaking relief!!!


So mixed. But it does make me feel like I'm still in the game!

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Wow.. Busy girl! Those other guys aren't Worth your time. You're missing and liking the idea if them and the potential of what a think they can be w us (girls are day dreamer's!), rather than who they really are and if they're even a good fit for us. That one guy was a douche whobtext you that. So sorry, but things sound good w this new guy.

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