Post-disclosure, waiting to hear if i'll be rejected or accepted...

[shinebrighter]

Hi Community!

 

Grateful to have found you.

 

I'm a 34 year old female. Have had HSV2 for 10 years. Assuming I got it when I was date raped, though it also could've been from a partner even though we used protection. I haven't had symptoms since the first ones 10 years ago, so I feel like the only way herpes affects me is that I have to have the awkward disclosure conversation, and I have to deal with the emotions of shame, etc, that come along with it.

 

I'm in the very beginning stages of dating someone, and I've never felt the way about anyone that I feel about him... already. I recently disclosed to him about herpes, and feel really good about how I explained it, I know it was the right thing to do, etc. He was respectful, thoughtful, sensitive about it, BUT, he also needs time to process and think about it. He identifies as a germaphobe/hypochondriac , and admitted that his brain tends to prioritize the irrational over the rational, especially when it comes to health stuff. So here I am in this limbo state, feeling really nervous/scared of losing someone that I have a really good feeling about.

 

Specific things I'd love thoughts/support about:

 

1) Lets say he does come around, or we still hang out and date while he's deciding if it's worth the risk for him.... how do I deal with the assumption on my part that he thinks I'm gross, or doesn't want to touch me, or could never get aroused because he'll always be thinking about herpes.... ETC. It makes me not want to initiate anything, because I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him in any way.... etc.

 

2) I'm having a hard time being associated with the word germaphobe, because it implies that I'm dirty, etc. How do you get over that? Again- he's been so sensitive and responsive, which of course would make it even more sad/hard if he ultimately can't get past this.

 

I'm sure I have more questions, but I'll leave it at this for now. I'd love to hear from anyone who's been in the same place (my place or the guy I'm dating). It would mean a lot.

 

Thanks so much. : )

SB.

[2Legit2Quit]

Ok, so one thing I've come to learn about men being on forums is the difference in how they process information vs a woman.

 

1. Men need time to process things. They don't have a "woman's intuition" like we do. They go completely off brain process and tend to take longer to work through thingthings, woman for that reason.

2. Germaphobes are a whole 'nother entity in their own and can be unpredictable. W that said I was one and my ex husband had genital warts. We were tested before sex. I stayed w him, but waited till marriage to have sex w him, which was 8 months after we reunited, w protection of course. Condoms covered that area he had them and I never got it. Yes, I was very neurotic (the younger you are, the more neurotic people can be about germs... Life made me get over that and I'm 34 now). Germ phobes anxiety inside them, stems from something else and they project it onto something they feel they have control over ... Ie.. Germs

3. Long story and complicated ( I was in the military and that rushed our marriage, but I always knew deep down he wasn't my forever person), although I stuck around, I never treated him like a leper, but wouldn't have sex w out protection. I know this made him feel like I wasn't in it forever and he stated it. W that said, it never stoppped me from getting aroused from him. We did so many other things such as sex toys even. We just took extra precautions, BEFIRE we allowed genital to genital contact.

4. You will never be able to predict how one will react after they say they are OK w it. You just have to prepare yourself for it, especially when they are a self proclaimed germaphobe.

5. When people care for you and/or love you deeply, they do not look at you like you're the virus they just see you as a carrier . I was 21 when I found out about my ex and it didn't chnage how felt about him at all, even w people telling me to not deal w that baggae. Call me crazy or whatever, but I just happen to not define a man by his dick and if a man defines you by your hot pocket, then he's a class A loser and needs to pound sand. Might hurt at first, but you're better off and will see that.

5. Let him come to you. I highly recommend you have him come to the site. For comfort reasons for him, tell him he can msg me personally and I can answer his questions.

6. New flash... We all carry viruses and bacteria our entire life, it's called being a living being. Has he ever had chicken pox? Guess what? He has it for life and that is a human herpes virus, knkw as HH3. That's why germaohobia is considered irrational and OCD. It's just that person projecting THEIR anxiety onto something ELSE. It's NOT ABOUT YOU, IT'S ABOUT THEM. you can't take it personally.

 

 

Hope this helps.

[shinebrighter]

Hi-- thank you so much for your response. It's really reassuring to hear from someone who's identified as a germaphobe and been on the other end of things. I definitely have that fear that even if he decides he wants to continue dating, that he'll always be distracted if we're having sex (worried about getting HSV), and that it'll never be enjoyable because of that. It was really helpful to hear what you said about the virus just being part of a person, but not defining the person. That's a good reminder.

What helped you go from being a germaphobe to being comfortable sleeping with someone who had an STI?

Thanks, too, for the reminder to give him time to process. That's what I'm doing, and it's a little agonizing on my end. I really hope that he'll talk to a doctor, and that the doctor will assure him that it's not a big deal.

Thanks so much for your thoughts; it means a lot to me to get support from a stranger, especially during such a vulnerable and difficult time. : ) <3

[2Legit2Quit]

Unfortunately that is a risk and you have to decide if that's too much for you. I know that my extra precautions w my ex, make him feel insecure and emasculated and let to him having an affair. Fuck what he's thinking about, worry about how you're going to feel and how he makes you feel. As I said before, if it wasn't this, it would be something else.

 

I already had feelings for him.. I couldn't fathom dumping someone over a virus, when I cares about them. If someone does, they don't care about you... Seriously... Unless they have some serious underlying medical conditions and H coukd wreak havoc in their system. Had I not cared, it may have been different, I have no idea.

.he needs to go to planned parenthood, be he's likely to see a GPand they're extremely ignorant about herpes. Thay, or take him to your GYNO to ask questions, but do not let him go to a GP.

 

I totally understand how you feel, we've all been there . I am someone who has constant symptoms, even on meds and it's not disclosure that freaks me out anymore, it's that I have to add a caveat that my body doesn't handle it well, due to my autoimmune diseases and I'm more likely to pass it to someone.

[2Legit2Quit]

Bear hugs BTW;