I feel like the only person in the world going through this although math tells me thats not true

[the_inconstant_moon]

Initially, I was so distraught over this diagnosis despite the fact that I've always considered myself super sex positive and open. I found out at the worst time, I was dating a guy who I was really interested in and we'd already been sexually intimate, when I discovered I had a rash, I went to the doctor and stopped sleeping with the guy, and when I got the diagnosis I was angry because I thought the new guy had passed it to me. But the doc explained that I had the HSV-2 virus in my blood and that it takes time to manifest in bloodwork, which led me to my previous partner, who admitted he was positive when I confronted him. So I am dealing with the fact that I have this, while also feeling so guilty over the fact that I may have passed it on to an innocent party. When I told my new guy, he was so freaked out, and said if he ended up contracting it, he would be willing to continue with me but otherwise it wasn't going to work. I immediately called it off because I clearly have to deal with this new diagnosis and he is so distraught over his own possible diagnosis that I feel like I haven't even had time to deal with my own shit, also, I ultimately being with someone who is only with me because of our positive status makes me feel yucky.

 

I was feeling very sad yesterday, when a former partner of mine who had been trying to get in touch with me texted. I finally responded and told him that I had herpes and he did NOT care. He wanted to have a sexual relationship despite my status, and this made me feel so much better, like I'm not a friggen leper. Needless to say, this guy came over and we had amazing sex, I don't know what will transpire but just knowing that I won't always be rejected was super nice and I needed it so much at that time.

 

I am still so sad, nervous that I passed it on, wondering if this rejection will ever get easier. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that despite having such a minimal impact on my physical life (a weird rash? like, almost a chafing? Come on, I'd always thought herpes was some oozing gross enormous painful permanent ugly mess) the impact on my social and emotional life has been PROFOUND. I know I am not unique in this respect. We are all in this weird secret society, feeling like shit, feeling undesirable, confused, and some days like human trash.

 

But I am really hoping to connect here, none of my friends have this, all of my friends I tell sort of look at me like "OH I feel so bad for you" which just makes me feel worse. So, that's my story, thanks for listening!

[chargeit2thagame]

none of your friends think they have this but really, most likely dont know***

and sounds to me u doin tha damn thang and disclosing and even got some D after diagnosis lol...you doin pretty well kid

i feel like u have tha kind of personality type that will bounce back...you done more than I have and I had it for 2 years...you keepin it gangsta lol all jokes aside tho it seems as though with the exception of the VERY NORMAL fears ur havin..you handlin this like an adult...theres a page on tumblr with all these 20 and prolly 30 somethin yr old girls that have herpes and are open about it and still doin erything they did before jus lil different if u interested in it I can send u tha link...alotta humor in it and normalizing of what most of us feel isolates and alienates us....you gon be aight...=)

[optimist]

@the_inconstant_moon I can relate so much to what you shared. I had a very similar experience. And I agree with @chargeit2thagame, you are doing GREAT! Already taking care of yourself in lots of great ways and seem very resilient.

 

I think you will find that the experience you had with your former partner (the accepting one) will be more typical than the experience you had with the recent partner who only wants to be together if you are both positive. And I think the more experiences you have like this, the less this will feel like a profound change to your social and emotional life. Or maybe it will feel profound but in a different way. :)

 

You're welcome to message me any time. I'd be happy to connect with you.

 

 

[Katidid]

I give you a big ole "Go Girl"!!! For handling things as you have thus far. Are you on anti virals yet? It will give you that much more protection and security. So you had a positive and a negative disclosure pretty close together. Pretty cray what the other guy said to you.....if he has it were on, if not, goodbye. Just be glad he's gone.