In need of the biggest hug

[ang]

so i contracted herpes in late 2012... and although ive had it for a while i am still struggling with this. I have my good and bad days however days like tofay i feel that this is something i will not get past. I am currently 26 years old single and would really like to get back into the dating world however im still extremely hard on myself for putting myself in this situation. I got herpes after my second partner and since then ive gone through a wirlwind of emotions like most. i try not to think about it most days however it is always in the back of my mind. Ive done tons of research however anytime i come across any negative comments my self esteem breaks down again because i honestly feel like people view this as if it was HIV. This whole process of emotions has been extremely draining and confusing simply because i dont have any symptoms, take no medication and its almost like im dealing with an invisible condition. Late December i made the mistake of sleeping with an ex and did not disclose until after due to my extreme fear of being rejected and the outcome was probably the worst i couldve imagined. I was bashed as a nasty woman, cursed out, was told i had no reason to live and basically had my character dragged for having what i believe is to be a benign condition that most people have. Ive always been super careful disclosed before and wear condoms during all sexual encounters however that one mistake still weighs super heavy on me. Anytime i have bad days all i could think of is how gross i am for having this and definitely go through the emotions that noone will love me.

 

ive almost had this for about 4 years not when does it get better??!!!

 

I mean i know i am a beautiful, smart woman but ever since my diagnosis im constantly battling feelings of worthlessness. I deserve to be loved and i just want to get past all this self judgement ive cast on myself.

[ang]

I also forgot to add that although i completely lost contact with the man who bashed me and dont know what his test results said ive never passed it on to anyone.... he has attempted to contact me within the last 8 months however ive ignored it because i believe it was to apologize for his behavior... pls help :(

[ALittleMad]

I feel you, and I want to hug you so hard.

I think its fantastic that you told him at all, to be honest. There are doctors who tell H+ patients that disclosing isn't necessary. Your ex seems to be uneducated about H and for him to make you feel that bad about having it only further proves he has the title of "Ex" for a reason.

You say you know you are beautiful and smart, but you really need to believe that in your heart. Have you tried discussing H and the impact it has (or rather, has not) had on your life? Taking time to talk about things in advance can help a great deal and always allow the other person time to get a handle on the situation. Many people have had success with this approach.

[ang]

Yeah I've tried counseling ...joining online support forums but it's something I can't seem to shake maybe cus I never imagined even being in this position and because I wasn't exactly the sexually free type and had a lot of partners ...it just seems to be something I can't shake anytime I feel like I've conquered it fear hits me once again...I guess cus if it was the other way around I probably would not continue to date the person

[Sail]

Ang,

It is very easy to be very hard on ourselves for this. I too sway back and forth and have not had too many partners. You do need to forgive yourself for getting exposed. Herpes is an equal opportunity virus. There are many many more dangerous viruses to get exposed to. Herpes is just one that gets stigma attention because it is the "virus of love..." The sooner you can kick your own stigma about herpes, the sooner you will not project a negative stigma when you are with potential partners. If you are ashamed, you will project shame. As far as not disclosing before sleeping with someone..... that's no good. You owe it to your partner to be forthright. Your partners, if they are mature, will respect you more for disclosing. Now, they may not rush to have sex with you, but that's their right. Would you want to date someone that is afraid of a basic virus? I think not.....

This virus also teaches you patience. You need to be able to depend on other skills other than intimacy to form a bond with someone. When the bond is formed, the right man for you will see past herpes. I never rush into an intimate relationship with a man. I always see i if he is H-? Do I even want to date him? Is he worth disclosing too? Is he worth going good on antivirals for? Is he relationship worthy? These are all questions that need to go through your head before even thinking about sex with the man you are with.

Good luck girl, big hugs! We all understand exactly how you feel!

 

 

[ang]

I totally understand sail ...I really just want to let go ...I know we are all humans and make mistakes but I'm constantly so hard on myself especially cus I went about it without disclosing to my ex no matter how bad he treated me in the sat he didn't deserve that ..as for disclosures in general I'm just so freaked out cus I don't know if I can handle rejection ...I'm generally very private and just letting someone know something so intimate and then having them walk away is super scary to me...but thank you for your kind words I'm definitely a work in progress

[Sail]

We are all a work in progress. Try and do some self esteem therapy. We are what we train our brains to think. Write ten positive adjectives about yourself. Post them on the bathroom mirror. Read them out loud to yourself every morning and every night until you become these things. To break negative feelings, do some image therapy. When your mind starts down that path, break your concentration by focusing on one thing in that room. Be present in that room with that object. Notice the details of the object. If it's a fascinating painting imagine yourself there in the landscape of the painting. If it's a tree imagine becoming the tree, growing roots deeper than any storm can break. Leaves beautiful and glistening in a light breeze. A tree that has scars, but is very beautiful with all of its imperfections. M8kingart@ can also help you with positive talks and motivational speeches that will correct your mindset. Remember that it all starts with you. The more negativity you bring into your life, the more that herpes will win and take over your body. There is a difference between thinking you need someone versus wanting someone. Be sure that you correct your mindset before returning to the dating market. You will attract what you project. Disclosing is scary, but the right person won't care if you have herpes. Look at it that way. I have been rejected, but I have also been accepted. Work on your self worth. Only then will you attract someone that is right for you. Also practice how to disclose in a neutral format, this will help you to relay what h

[Sail]

Herpes actually is as opposed to an unfair, inaccurate stigma. Sure we all would have chosen not to get exposed, but that is no longer our reality so to survive and thrive you must adapt. I will post my regimen for you that works well for me. Good luck to you. - Sail

[ang]

Thank you

[Sail]

Hi, so mind you this is what I do for superior health as well and I do cheat occasionally, but overall I stick to my daily practice consistently. If I need a glass of wine one night, I have it. If yoga doesn't get done one morning so be it. Here is my regimen each day: 1 tab CoQ10, 1 tab super B complex, 1 tab B12, 1 tab fish oil, 1 tab vitamin c, 1000MG lysine in am, 500mg lysine at night. You can do an extra super b complex vitamin at lunch and even one in the evening to super charge your immune system, be careful because the evening one might keep you up. I cut processed foods, I still eat a little gluten, but not very much. In the morning I have a spinach shake with frozen fruit and hemp seed with organic 1% milk (keep the milk it has lysine and will heal outbreaks) and a little organic whole oats tiny muffin (gluten free). If I want eggs and meat, I have it. For lunch I do a complex carb, Vege and meat, and for dinner meat and vege, sometimes a carb. For snacks if I am cleansing and super charging my immune system, I will eat 2 oranges per day. Otherwise, I stick to an oats granola snack with low sugar. I get from 6 to 8 hrs of sleep every night. I also do yoga 15 minutes in the morning and exercise at least four times a week. This can be 30m of whatever. You don't need a gym membership to exercise :)! Early on I read "Herpes Cure," "Herpes Eraser" you can find it all over the internet. It did not cure the herpes. I am still titer positive, but it did teach me how to force it into dormancy. That is what makes that program valuable. It teaches you management skills for your diagnosis. I highly suggest reading it. It is worth the $36 dollars. I haven't given up my coffee, although I cut it with milk. I still have a little bit of chocolate, maybe a little piece, everyday to every couple days. The biggest thing to remember is herpes loves sugar, so cut sugary foods. Keep your immune system super charged. This forces it into dormant phase. Reduce stress, add yoga or stretching into your daily life, exercise regularly. Yes I still eat sugar, but in moderation..... if you are a popcorn addict, now is the time to stop. Type in lysine / arginine ratio in your search browser and print out the foods to avoid versus the balanced foods. Stick to balanced foods. Don't eat to much lysine because too much can hurt you as well (too much acid in the body= harmful). Everything in moderation. Remember it is a nuisance virus.... that's it. There is nothing to be ashamed of many many many people are exposed daily! There are also over 99 different strains of herpes, so literally it is everywhere. Do I let this uncomplicated virus rule my roost.... NOPE, never! I laugh, dance, travel, hike, play, sail, and LIVE everyday! Basically, I live life to the fullest! Good luck in your endeavours!

-Sail