I had an ob just before sex and I didn't know...

[whitedaisies]

Well my life is extremely complicated. I have ghsv1 with fairly frequent prodomes and red bumps on thighs or buttocks. Never a full fledged typical ob. I am under an extreme amount of stress for past 2.5 years since my diagnosis. I have had 3 successful disclosures since my diagnosis. I have been dating this new guy and taking things super slow. We didn't start having sex til 7 'months after we met. I wanted to get to know him and I knew this wouldn't lead to a serious committed relationship or marriage but a close friendship and monogamous relationship.

 

Also I waited 6 'on the til he did his std tests that didn't include herpes so I don't know if he has hsv1 or 2 but I do know he has nothing else. It's been a struggle getting him to test for herpes especially since his doctor basically believes if u haven't had an ob u don't have it. And doesn't believe in ghsv1.

 

I have let it go a bit but I would love to know if he has either or both but I don't want to sound like a broken record.

 

So I have finally been able to have sex for the most part without thinking about h. It took a long while. This guy has never asked other partners for std tests. Anyway I get frequent ob and neuropathy sometimes neuropathy is just that and other times it's prodomes and honestly I just never know what's what anymore. I stopped taking antivirals back basicalku they did nothing and didn't help I assume all the stress I have been under is stronger than the meds

 

Anyway I had pain in my baginal area and itching on my thigh and I just thought hey another weird sensation and then after sex I saw a few modified pimples on my thigh which I don't think he touched at all during sex. My worry is what if I was shedding somewhere condom doesn't cover. I just feel so guilty. I did have a stroke and am numb everywhere so all my sensations are muted and I can't really tell what's prodome or neuropathy or a h symptom.

 

I feel so horrible I am having sex I it's him. Maybe I should not have sex altogether. Maybe someone like me shouldn't be having t considering I can't really protect my partner bc I have so many h and non h sensations and they are so frequent. But I am pretty sure this was prodome. And t was during sex and I am freaking. I didn't tell him bc we are monogamous and I don't want him freakinf. And there is nothing I can do but wait for symptoms for him. I did disclose and have talked about my issues out in the open with h. But I haven't brought it up again since we started having sex. But I feel really guilty. I feel like maybe I should have been more cautious and just not had sex. But if I did that every time I had pain or a sensation down there I would never have sex period.

 

I feel really bad and kinda feel like I want to break it off. If he doesn't get it this time I just don't want to risk giving it to him again especially since he's a forever bachelor and this relationship is going.nowhere but we do care for each other and like each other. He does have a high level of anxiety normally but it doesn't seem to apply to stds. He's risked this likely a million times bc he's never asked his partners to be tested. But I know and I don't want to be the one to give it to him. Maybe he has it. I am also risking getting hsv2 which I am not thrilled about either. Why doesn't he get tested. It's driving me crazy. Maybe I should just break it off. But honestly he's treated me very well for the most part and has been very kind to me. I want to feel close to him like that. I miss it.

 

I don't want to hear he knows u disclosed. He knows the risk.

 

I want to know what would u do in my situation?

 

Thx for listening

[dani]

Even though I myself have been having an incredible amount of anxiety over this and may not be able to take my own advice, I would say this... To my knowledge the studies that suggest the odds of transmission are low (2% female to male transmissions if you are using condoms and no antivirals) don't account for the participants of the study avoiding sex during prodrome sensations - just outbreaks. Because prodrome sensations are something that are probably impossible to track/know with certainty - some people are just able to be more in tune with them than others. I myself have always had frequent itchiness/irritation down there so it's really impossible for me to know with certainty when I'm experiencing prodrome, and I'd guess many others are the same. That's not to say you shouldn't do your best not to try to avoid it, but I think that being paranoid about it every time, and bringing it up with him in a way that might make him paranoid, is not good for you, him, or the relationship.

 

It might be good every once in a while to gently suggest he get tested, if you could do so in a way that didn't imply you strongly believe you gave it to him (I don't think there's anything that suggests that's the case). But at the end of the day, what if - worst case - you do give it to him? The majority of people experience mild symptoms. Whether he decides to get tested, and in the case that he does have it how he chooses to let it affect his future life and relationships, is really beyond your responsibility. Even if he does want to be a "forever bachelor," it's possible to do so with herpes - as hippyherpy's "Ladies Disclosure Thread" implies. I would try to enjoy the relationship without overthinking it. If you are that paranoid I might recommend taking the antivirals, because even if you don't think they are making a difference, what I heard from @optimist is that in one study only 0.3% of people who take them are resistant.