Chicken Soup for the Malnourished Soul

[HopefulHerpy]

For 3 years, I've battled with Depression (It is capitalized because it has life-like qualities.) & currently my winning record has been challenged by this unworthy opponent. My flawless victory & chance at any redeeming fight is as bleak as Rhonda Rousey's ability to win a UFC fight within a matter of seconds. One of the hardest parts of the dual has been the gazes from the spectators.

 

You see, most people associate depression with an occurrence or something situational. And their thinking would be correct at this point in my life. Every since being diagnosed with HERPES, I've been overwhelmingly dispirited & extremely melancholy. What's even more depressing is that I can't share my shame with anyone for fear of being judged & shunned.

 

My feelings of self-loathing & insecurities often rear their ugly heads as I look back & cast judgment on myself for acquiring this unwanted hitchhiker while traversing through my journey of life. I know that it's highly irrational (albeit human) to contemplate and obsess over things that we can't change, but if I could do a few things over--I definitely would. I also understand that it's folly & counter-productive to have such thoughts, but I can't stop myself.

 

Today was the utmost worst day I've had in a while. I cried & disclosed to my supervisor that I'm feeling suicidal to which he looked completely taken aback & immediately tried to provide me with the assistance. I can't seem to shake this funk & often times I can't find strength to get out of bed. My husband tries to console me. He's gentle & kind-hearted like that. He says, "Ashley! 'We will get through this!' " I believe we will, but I also understand that he doesn't understand what I'm experiencing as he is H-.

 

I want to give up & quit; however, adult Ashley keeps persevering. When will it get better? When will I move on? When will I see myself instead of the diagnosis?

[surfsup]

I wanted to share with you the thing that helps me the most when I get down in the dumps about HSV. I just focus on the fact that it is so common (something like 80-90% of the adult population has at least 1 version). Many people do not know their diagnosis of course, but that doesn't make us any worse off because we know. It's really no different than the flu or the chickenpox.

 

I think it's the whole sex thing that gives it the stigma and shame, but we have to be careful to not let sexually charged connotations make us feel fear, guilt or shame (not saying you're doing this, but speaking to the general population really). Sex is part of life and is a natural and wonderful thing. If we have sex, it is almost guaranteed to eventually pick up something (it would be weird/rare to not). And if someone judges us harshly for that, then we probably do not need them in our life anyways, and something else just as easily would have caused them to judge us this way.

[HikingGirl]

Welcome, @HopefulHerpy. How I wished a year ago I knew there would be some kind of timeline to the living hell I was in post-diagnosis. I too have struggled with depression at several points in my life, and I spent the first six months post-diagnosis wanting to be dead. Fortunately, that was never a viable option because I refused to abandon my 14 year-old golden retriever.

 

Grief overtook me--physically, mentally, and emotionally--for a long time. Allowing myself to grieve was, by far, the most painful thing I have ever done. But since the diagnosis came just a year after getting divorced, I already knew that it was absolutely necessary. And it's something our society really doesn't give us permission to do. Beyond grief is the very difficult work of healing. It requires tremendous courage to be kind to yourself, receive the love and concern others are offering, and to be open to learning from an intensely painful experience.

 

If you're familiar with the work of Brene Brown, you may have heard this before, but I'll mention it anyway. **Everyone** experiences shame. Empathy is the antidote to shame. Something I learned just this past week (and hit me like a ton of bricks) is that you do not need to have had someone else's exact same experience to have empathy for them. All it takes is the ability to touch in yourself the same emotions another person is feeling. I immediately thought of that when you mentioned your husband. He sounds like a wonderful man.

 

Healing and growth may have no timeline, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone and we are cheering you on. {{{hugs}}}