3 years later, I still get angry at the guy who lied to me and gave me herpes and HPV (cancer kind)

[tryingtomakethebest]

I was married 15 years, and the first time I had sex after my divorce, I got herpes. I didn't know the guy well and I didn't care. I just wanted to have sex with someone whom I thought was cute! My marriage had been sexless for a long time.

 

I met this guy on an online dating site and we went out a few times. I asked him about his testing status. He said he had been tested recently and everything was good. At this time I had no knowledge of herpes and did not realize that doctors generally don't test for herpes unless you ask. But we agreed to use a condom because I was not on birth control

 

The night we had sex I had been drinking. It sounds crazy, but I thought he had put a condom on and he had not. The room was dark, and he was across the room getting undressed, and he came up behind me so I couldn't even see him. I realized during sex that he wasn't wearing a condom but I thought pregnancy was my only concern. I told him I would take a Plan B the next day. A few days later I had a terrible outbreak.

 

I believe he didn't know he had HSV. He did go get tested again but was shady about telling me the results. I think because he is an attorney and didn't want to tell me the test came back positive. He lied to me about some other things and was your basic player and fuckboy, although I didn't realize it at the time because I was so naïve about men.

 

He claimed I agreed to not use a condom in advance and said I would take a Plan B before having sex. He called me crazy. But I kept seeing him for a while because I was in shock over the herpes and didn't think anyone else would want to be with me.

 

I also got the cancer-causing kind of HPV either from him or the guy I dated for a year after him. I've had to have two biopsies and it has been awful and scary. I will get tested in three months again to see if the cervical dysplasia has gotten worse. This issue could continue impacting my life for years. And it's serious.

 

A condom COULD have prevented me from getting both HPV and HSV.

 

Three years later I am in a much much better place. I have had three sexual relationships with guys who were fine with my status. I told someone else my status and he was fine with it, but we didn't end up sleeping together.

 

I've worked on myself a whole lot. I learned to have boundaries and to speak up for myself. Maybe I would not have learned these things had I not had to deal with him and some other difficult situations with men.

 

But I still get so angry at this guy. For agreeing to use a condom and not using it, for taking advantage of my shyness about being with someone new. He rightly figured I wouldn't "make" him wear a condom. It makes me so mad that he would be so unconcerned about not just diseases but getting me pregnant! I saw on social media he did have a baby with someone after me. He still single and trolling on the dating sites though, from what I hear.

 

Both HPV and HSV have been a blessing in disguise for me. The cancer scare got me invested in a much healthier lifestyle. I quit drinking, when I used to have a large drink every night. I started eating organic whole foods. HSV has definitely kept me away from some unhealthy or casual relationships, but has not scared anyone away I wanted to be with.

 

I would love any advice on dealing with anger towards someone whom you feel treated you with disrespect and disregard. I have done forgiveness exercises and I picture him kneeling before God and taking the consequences for his actions. I do believe people reap what they sow. But it's still hard sometimes getting mad at myself for putting myself in that situation, and at him. I also get mad that my doctor didn't warn me about any of this. She said "practice safe sex" – and I intended to that night! – but I still didn't know anything about HSV or HPV. So many people don't.

 

I love this forum… Thank you.

 

 

[HikingGirl]

I don't have experience with a significant betrayal, but I did have a very hard time forgiving myself after my herpes diagnosis. I was really angry with myself for not being better educated and making some choices 20 years ago that I wouldn't make today. (Boy--talk about being hard on myself!) Basically, I bought into the myth that people who get HSV deserved it. I took up an interest in mindfulness almost a year ago, and an unexpected benefit of meditating and reading some Buddhist philosophies were the concepts of acceptance and letting go. (Nothing hard core here....maybe 10 minutes of meditation daily--sometimes less--and scanning the occasional book from the library.) Pema Chodron's book, "When Things Fall Apart" still sits on my nightstand and I look at it frequently. I hope you're able to find the peace you're looking for. {hugs}

[tryingtomakethebest]

Hiking girl, it sounds like our journey has been pretty similar! I have read a lot of Buddhist books and meditate daily, which is where the inner peace I HAVE achieved comes from. i've also started yoga. I will look Pema's book again. The book that has helped me so much is "the untethered soul" by Michael Singer. I I also listen to the talks that I purchased from his website.

 

Thank you for the reminder about acceptance. I often seem to find myself in a state of resistance instead of a state of acceptance ! But it is one of the tenants of Buddhist practices, along with nonattachment and understanding that all situations change. The good ones and the bad ones. Everything is impermanent. Including my feelings of anger and frustration.

 

I spent a tremendous amount of time being hard on myself too. I worked with a life coach and I literally could not say the words "I forgive myself". I have worked very hard on self acceptance and self forgiveness, which is something I have struggled with my whole life, so it's good that I can now Love myself. It's huge, actually. Maybe another hidden blessing from this situation.

 

Hugs to you and thank you!!

[HikingGirl]

I also love The Untethered Soul! :-) The concept of impermanence got me through a lot too. Still does. Now hopefully someone will be able to add some insight on forgiving others! :-)