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Marriage ending... and I don't know how

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So I noticed most the members are women, I feel a little out of place but it makes sense since most of us guys aren’t in touch with their feelings or too macho to talk about it. But I’m hoping the community can help. I recently tested positive HSV2 with the IgM test and the symptoms I had were obvious, very bad breakout! I never had any sort of blister or sore prior to this. I definitely thought it was my wife as I was under the assumption she had an affair not too long ago, she just tested negative with IgG. At first she thought maybe I had it before we got married and never knew about it but after reading online that the first break out is usually the worst, she now feels I am the one that had the affair. She gave me a proposal stating that if I told her who and when it was, that she would have a little bit of trust to work off of and we could try and salvage our marriage. If I didn’t tell her then marriage is over, seeing as I would rather keep seeing this other woman. The thing is, I haven’t been with anyone else in over 16 years. So I really don’t know How, when, or with who I contracted it from. I’m in desperate need of answers, which I know is very difficult to get with this type of virus, I’ve done so much research. So maybe me reaching out like this is just a way of me coping and facing reality of what is to come…the end of the only thing I ever wanted, a lifetime with my wife.


One more thing that is odd to me. I’ve also read that if you have a breakout and start scratching, immediately wash your hands to avoid spreading to other parts of your body. If this is even remotely true, is it possible to contract it from having a non sexual contact with a person? I say this because when I was diagnosed, my wife opened up and said that our daughter contracted HSV2 a year ago. I know its far fetched but I’m really at a loss and all that I read out there is so conflicting, don’t know what to believe. Should I believe that I’ve had it all these years and this is my first outbreak(mind you that my immune system sucks, big time! I'm guessing it would of popped up WAY sooner) or is it possible I got it from my wife who is testing negative and no symptoms(she has a great immune system by the way)or somehow contracted it from non sexual contact from a family member who contracted it recently?


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Hi, @WhoWhenHow. It may seem like it's all women on here, but I promise there are guys too! It is possible to have HSV for a long time with no symptoms, and then develop an outbreak out of the blue.


I would start by going back to the doc and getting an IgG blood test. Not only are the IgMs unreliable, they don't identify the type 1 or 2. That will be really helpful to know.


If you had partners before getting married, you could have acquired it then. I got it before I married (without knowing I had it), tested positive after my divorce, and my ex of 16 years tested negative. I'm still surprised by that, but it's not a given that a partner would get HSV from you.


Spreading it to other parts of the body or to other people with your hands is uncommon. If it happens, it's most likely to happen within the first few months of infection when you touch an open sore. HSV2 generally needs genital to genital contact. You can get HSV1 generally through oral sex, and the majority of adults have HSV1, even if they don't get cold sores. It's conceivable your wife could have given you HSV1 through oral sex. The IgG misses up to a third of HSV1 infections (but it's good at catching HSV2).


I had both strains about 20 years before I got diagnosed and I never transferred it elsewhere. I never had an initial outbreak. I had no idea I had it!! Think of it this way, if your wife didn't get it, you can pretty well bet nothing was spread without genital contact.


It's understandable that your wife is upset since most people are simply uneducated about herpes. (Sadly, many doctors are also not well educated about it, spread misinformation, or have outdated information.) Keep in mind she may also be feeling some residual fear and anger and sadness from the time she learned your daughter has it.


Terri Warren, an expert in herpes, has an excellent book on Amazon that is thorough and easy to understand. She closed her clinic last year, but she still offers video consults for a fee. https://www.westoverheights.com/hsv-video-consultations/ This might be a good option for you to ask very specific questions not covered in the book. You could even do a consult with your wife so she hears from an expert that you're not blowing smoke about being faithful to her.


Please feel free to continue asking questions. This is a lot of new information and this is a knowledgeable community! We sincerely want to be a support to others however we can.

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Thank you greatly @HikingGirl ! I will take a look at the book you recommended. Its all so overwhelming, life was going good, family and marriage great...and then it just hits out of nowhere! Very devastating and depressing! I will continue checking out the info and support within this community, Thanks again!

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  • 4 weeks later...

I was with a woman for 20 years, she cheated and we ended. I got tested and discovered I had HSV2. I told her so she could get tested, she came back with only HSV1. We both knew she got cold sores every so often, just never knew it was herpes. So, 20 years of unprotected intercourse and oral sex, I never got HSV1 from her and she never got HSV2 from me. I never cheated, and never had an outbreak, don't even know the entry point. For all I know I was born with it.


When I got my diagnoses, I was so upset and just knew she had given it to me. But I calmed down and started reading all I could about HSV. Then I discovered it was possible to never have an outbreak and have it for this long and not pass it on. So when I told her and suggested she get tested, I wasn't accusatory with her. I just told her the facts. And even though she's had HSV1 for very long time, she didn't understand it. Because she thought maybe she was a carrier for HSV2, giving it to me. I assured her that, that's not how it works...you either have it or you don't.


While I believe knowledge is power, I have to honestly say that I wish I never got tested. I had been tested in the past but since I never saw the results, it's most likely they never tested for the HSV antibodies. I do know now though that herpes is not a big deal, especially when there are other more serious life threatening viruses out there, like HIV, AIDs and even Influenza.

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