Been awhile

[KitKat]

Hi everyone,

So I posted awhile back about my story of how I got H and how life hasn't been too bad since. Anyways, I think I have come to realize that even though I've had H for about 4 years now, I still have issues with it in my head. I'm not sure where these issues start and where they end. For instance, I don't feel ashamed talking about H with any of my friends, the only time I become uncomfortable is talking to someone that I would want to disclose with.

 

I had been dating one of my ex's at the beginning of this year and things were going well, however I was holding off on getting too serious since I had just gotten out of a divorce and felt like I needed time before I started something new. But at the same time no matter how much I try to convince myself that that was the reason why I wouldn't let things get serious, I also feel like maybe it was the fact that he was the first one I would have been disclosing to other than my friends and my ex-husband. While I think that the opportunity only came up once before things went downhill, I feel like I let myself down by not spitting it out. I felt prepared to tell him and knew everything that I should say, I just couldn't do it. It just feels like something is stuck in my throat when I think of trying to disclose to someone I want to have sex with.

 

In the long run, I don't think we would work out anyway, so maybe that was the reason I didn't tell him. I'm not sure, but regardless I wish I had told him just so I would know that wasn't the reason we didn't work out.

 

Since then, I've not really been trying to date much. Right now I feel like I just need to work on me, because I don't know how else I'm going to get past this roadblock. I think part of it is because my best friend kept telling me I should hold off on telling him and wait until I'm ready. But then at the same time I was feeling like I was ready weeks before things went downhill. I guess I just need to trust my gut from now on, because maybe she has more "shameful" misgivings towards H than I do, and that's the reason she was telling me to hold off. However, I'm not trying to place the blame on her because really it was my call not to tell him. It just didn't help to have someone telling me to hold off.

 

PS my newest pet peeve is when I am talking about H with my friends in public and they tell me to keep my voice down if I'm talking too loudly. Like who the heck even cares, most of the time I don't know anyone around me and also it's not even a big deal! Sorry, just my rambling thoughts.

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Kit Kat, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. I know for me, herpes was a gift after my divorce because it did force me to take some time for myself to work through my divorce and what that meant for me, do some work on myself and the part I played in that relationship and help myself heal and become a better partner. I also had to come to terms with what it meant to have herpes and be in relationship. Nothing magnifies my insecurities like a relationship, so I needed to come to terms with how I was going to deal with that and to work through my own fears and insecurities around having herpes in a relationship. Maybe the reason you couldn't disclose was because you just weren't ready for a relationship? I am not sure, only you would know. But ultimately you know you need to trust your own judgment. Your friend is going to be coming from her own biases and insecurities. Take whatever time you need to just ease back in to being single, what being single with herpes means for you and how you feel about all that has happened to you so far. Use this time to really be present for yourself and do a ton of self-care. Treat yourself like you would someone you just fell in love with. When you are ready, you will know, and the disclosure will be so much easier. You sound like you are comfortable and have come to terms with having herpes and talking about it, which is awesome. Once you feel stronger, having herpes in a relationship will be much easier as well. The words will no longer get stuck in your throat. :)