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Disclosing, just not every time

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recently discovered that I have herpes. Whether its one or two, I don't know, still awaiting results. Where I got it? Also a mystery that hopefully the blood test will provide some answers.


So for the most part, I'm handling it fine. I know its really not that big of a deal in the long run. The problem for me, a 21 year old Male in college, I'm just trying to enjoy my last year here. I don't have a problem telling people in the future that I plan to date, but here, it is a different story. It's social suicide. If I was to tell one girl before hand here, it would spread like wildfire regardless if she understood or not. Even when I go back home, I'm still going to see everyone I went to highschool with in the summertime. Things will get physical.


Obviously the moral thing to do is to literally disclose everytime, but I feel like the situation I am in requires a little bit more strategy and careful thinking. Disclosing every. single. time. I personally feel only applies to future dating partners.


I feel like most people on here are way over the age of 21, not in college still, and not having sex with multiple partners. Just judging from the posts I read.


I really don't care if it sounds selfish, but I'm not about to let this virus strangle my prime years. Of course, I'm not going to be blatantly fucking without a care in the world, otherwise the guilt would eat me alive. But All I'm saying is there must be a middle ground for this, for my situation specifically.

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Always disclose.

It is a matter of consent.

You are making a malicious decision to inflict hurt, shock, pain and shame upon other people by planning not to disclose.

Failing to disclose will not leave you feeling fulfilled or satisfied.

Rather it will erode your self respect for having harmed people who trusted you, who saw you with affection and desire.


There are a million excuses to justify harming another person.

You are so clever that you managed to dream up one of them.

There is nothing reasonable about that.


Your shame is utterly misplaced.

Herpes isn't your problem.

Your problem is using herpes as an excuse to take away another person's right to consent.

Using fear and shame as justification for hurting other people.


When in all reality, herpes doesn't influence who you are, or whether you can have sex.

True that the shame, pain and loss of sense of identity is real and it is profound.

But those things are temporary, and should in no way be used to justify harming other people. Putting them through that shock, shame, sadness, anger and fear. Condemning them to all of that secretly and nefariously.

You didn't get a choice.

I get that.

It isn't fair and it isn't easy.

Unfortunately bad things happen to good people. But a good person doesn't do others harm, even more so, a good person doesn't plan to do many others harm.


You have the capacity to do good things and enjoy a fulfilled sexlife without harming anyone.

The choice to harm others is entirely separate from that capacity.

And consent matters.

Inflicting risk of a communicable disease upon another person is no different from the cliche line of every frat kid that ever sat in court facing the prosecution of their victim: "I thought she was cool with it."

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You have to understand that right now, I'm in the initial shock period. Regardless of how strong anyone is mentally, it's going to have an effect. I'm saying these things now nearly after 24 hours of finding out and I'm sure when the time comes I'm going to disclose everytime.



But in the meantime I would still like pick your ear. "You have the capacity to do good things and enjoy a fulfilled sexlife without harming anyone". Yes, If I was to move to a different state and leave behind all my friends and family. This isn't shame of having a small penis, or a shame of being known as an asshole. I personally witnessed a girl from highschool contract herpes.. everyone found out. Havent seen her since. Fell off the map to god knows where.


One minute, some will say you can't let the virus take over, you are not the virus..

but I strangely feel that might be the case.

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I understand man.

The stigma and the social structure you live in both compound each other.

You got dealt a real shitty hand, and you don't deserve it.

You won't be able to control the "he said, she said" dynamic. And you won't be able to know who will tell what and when.


But herpes only defines you if you let it. And people you know in college are not all seeking opportunities to spread rumirs about you.


You might need to date outside your circle. You might even need to avoid dating people you see in class often.

But that's not necessarily the case.

You can run potential partners througha quick evaluation of what you think their intentions are and how likely they are to try to harm you by spreading rumors and secrets.

In all reality, do you want to waste your time and energy persuing the girl who will tell all her friends you have a small penis? Cuz she's the same one who would tell them you have herpes, or even invent lies like how pretentious you are, or how uncharismatic you are.


Herpes can become a filter that helps you determine who you let close, and who you become intimate with. It can prevent you from the issues that can come from dating, or just sleeping with "the crazy ones".

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