Hi! I'm New Here!

[kpeace13]

Hello Everyone!

 

My name is Katie. I have been pondering the idea of joining this forum since November, when I stumbled upon it during a particularly painful outbreak. Well, it wasn't until today that I decided to reach out and admit that I need help and support in order to see myself as a whole person, deserving of love. I am hopeful that this forum will bring me one step closer :)

 

So my story goes like this.....I have had genital herpes for about seven years now. I willingly had unprotected sex with a guy I had been seeing, KNOWING that he had herpes. Looking back, I can see that in that moment, I decided that how he felt about me was more important than saying, I'm not doing this with out a damn condom! I didn't put my health or myself first...but that is a whole other can of worms we can open later... Who knows if it (condom) even would have prevented the transmission anyway; this guy and I were together for six years after that. In hindsight, I think I made the decision in that moment i found out i had herpes, to do whatever it took to make the relationship work, because I sure as hell wasn't going out into the world to date people; its soooo much easier having sex with someone else who has herpes. And that's what I did, for six years. Even though I knew it wasn't right.

 

When I first learned I had herpes, I was blessed enough to be living with an amazing woman and friend, who also had herpes. She was able to ease my mind a bit, and tried to reassure me that its not the biggest deal in the world and that it would be ok. I kind of believed her. It still fucking sucked ass balls. :))

 

Over the years I have had outbreaks. I probably average about two a year. Not too awful, and they always come about when I am stressed and consequently drinking more alcohol that I should be (boooooooo!)--- gotta take care of that immune system! but its when the outbreaks come that the self esteem really gets a blow, and I start getting really depressed. I am on the edge of one now. And its OK. But I feel lonely. and I feel marked. I am trying to see it only as a skin condition, and some days I am OK with that description. Other days its just like....fuuuuuuuuuck.

 

So anyways, here I am. 31. Single. With herpes. I'm a great person. I know I am a great person. But I feel trapped. I feel gross. I feel like no one will accept me. I DO NOT want to be rejected. Herpes literally envelops most of my thoughts and time during the day. I have become obsessive about it, and I do not like this feeling. I'm here on this forum because I truly believe I can be free of this. I can see that light that is purely me and that isn't affected by some stupid virus with a stupid stigma. It just seems so far away right now, and I think i need some help to get there.

 

I really appreciate you reading this, and I hope we can connect and start the healing together.

:)>- Katie

[sjj238]

Hi Katie :)

 

I'm 19 and have had H for since April. I have come a long way since then! At the beginning, I couldn't eat, sleep, or have fun with friends. I still get really sad about it..usually when I'm on my period, because I get super emotional :p But I'm doing so much better since then! (Thank God!)

But I totally understand what you mean when you say that some days you're ok with it, while others, it just bums you out so much. I have a lot of shame because of who I got it from and just started seeing a therapist so that I can hopefully deal with some of it before heading back to school in August..which I am totally dreading.

 

I'm still really new to this but I'm am here if you want to talk! Welcome to the forum. Everyone on here is super nice and supportive! You've come to the right place :)

 

Johanna

[kpeace13]

Hi Johanna! Thanks for writing me! I think its great you are seeing someone so that you can talk about how you are feeling. I wish I had done that early on. Im just now understanding that I need help from others in order to heal-- and Im seven years in! I definitely understand the shame. And the guilt. All of it. We can chat anytime!

take care:)