kpeace13

Hi Adrial! Thank you for responding. I have always been enough-I have always been enough. I know this. That is going to be my mantra for a while I think! I knew that once my current love interest and I started being intimate, I wasn't going to be automatically cured from the shame game or the fear game. Honestly, anything could happen right now-I need to be prepared for the possibility of him NOT being ok with herpes someday. I feel like now, the real work has to begin! Because if I am not truly ok with who I am, a situation like that could be truly devastating. So, the self love work continues. I will watch that podcast on rejection. Thanks bud:)

Well said Katie! Aerial2013- I have told my closest friends and my sisters and most recently my mom(its been about seven years since I contracted H and never told her) about the herpes. It helps, it really does. I also have the intention to go to see someone- yes a therapist, to talk- not only about herpes, but about self love, body acceptance, fear of rejection- issues that were there even before the herpes happened. There are days when I feel like it is impossible to move forward. There are days when I am sure no one will ever love me fully, like I deserve to be. There are days when I'm not sure I could really love myself. But there are also days of intense clarity, days of knowing that I am going to be ok, and that I am awesome! You will have those moments too! It will get better, and soon this herpes thing wont feel so overwhelming. You are amazing and beautiful with a ton to offer to the world. Don't close yourself in because of a stupid cold sore. Keep talking to friends, be honest. Honesty is your greatest ally- it can open up a world of love you didn't know existed. I truly believe that, and I believe in you Aerial2013. Its going to be ok:)

Hi Aerial2013. I am so sorry you are in pain, and I am sorry you had such a negative experience with a less than honorable man. I just wanted to say, you are not ruined. Isolating yourself will not help the pain. I should know, I stayed in my room and ate cheeseburgers and ice cream for the good majority of last year! Needless to say, it didn't make me feel better. You know what did make me feel better? I surrounded myself with good people. I started doing things for me, things that made me feel good and that had nothing to do with men. I had to start believing that I was not ruined, or else, I knew it would be the end of me. Keep reaching out here on this forum. We have all been where you are, and I am sure we have had similar feelings and fears. The winter does not have to be heavy! Many blessing to you. Katie

Helloooo everyone! About a month ago I posted my story of disclosure. My first, real disclosure. It was a great experience, and I have been basking in its success for a while now. Read: Ive been in a steamy hot relationship. The other day it occurred to me that I hadn't been on the forum lately, and I asked myself why not. In the midst of my love induced walking coma I think I have pretended that I am "cured" of my herpes shame and embarrassment. I mean, why shouldn't I be, I met a guy who likes me and accepts me, so everything should be great, right? Ummmm, well, turns out having sex with someone doesn't fix all the little parts of you that may have been scarred in the past. Damn. Let me be clear- I have come so far in my "shame factor" over herpes. I really feel ok most of the time, truly. But....I have been having self defeating thoughts. I quickly usher them away by saying, "Katie, stop it! you are awesome!". But that doesn't always prevent the negativity from creeping in. Fear is creeping in also. I am afraid he is going to get herpes. Even though I am on acylclovir right now and haven't had any out breaks, I still think about it sometimes while we are being intimate. Its distracting! I am afraid he is going to tire of me and use herpes as an out. Part of me still feels like herpes is a "CON" on some ones list when they are trying to make an important decision. Have you ever made a pros and cons list about a relationship? I feel like a major CON. Even though I know I have many PROS! WAY more pros than cons. Does a herpes CON trump multiple PROS? OR should I stop seeing herpes as a CON and put it on my PRO list? I mean, its really not that big of a deal- my rational brain knows this. Why is this stigma so damn hard to shake? Any insights would be greatly appreciated!

Hi inspired32. I think I can truly relate to how you may be feeling right now. In a perfect world, we would disclose to someone and their reaction would be well, perfect, right? They would say, "Thank you so much for telling me, you are the most beautiful girl in the world, and I am not at all worried about catching a STI from you!" You see, not to long ago I disclosed to a guy I had started falling pretty hard for. I knew I had to tell him soon, and I was nervous to say the least. His reaction was very similar to what you described. He was caring, and affectionate- but he was concerned. He needed to think it all through and he needed to know the FACTS. The next day I was a wreck. I cried, I was so sure he was going to reject me and think I was disgusting. Long story short- he didn't reject me, and the all of a sudden the TRUTH about herpes was all so clear. Its not that big of a deal, and it is NOT a deal-breaker- and if your man cant see past it, than he is not the right man for the job! But give it some time, I have a feeling you have nothing to worry about!

Thank you guys! Thank you for being so supportive. Atlantic- you most definitely have something to offer. That is, in fact, a mantra I tell myself, especially when I feel like I am lacking or when I am not enough- I have something to offer. Good for you for being patient. I fear that the cliche about finding love is true- it comes about when you least expect it. And I also agree, having herpes can really change your perspective about what a nurturing, respectful relationship looks like. Nic4897 thank you for the kind words. Kindness is key! Adrial- thank you for taking the time to read my post. It was really a huge step for me, and I am so very grateful that it was a positive experience. Thank you for being there and listening. Noel- a year ago I didn't think Id be writing a post like this. I was so freaking miserable. This forum helped me a lot and I'm glad I can share a positive experience that may shine some light on someones rough day:)

So, I did it. I told someone who I recently started dating about the good 'ol herpes thing. It was my first time telling someone that I truly care about. It was scary, I will admit that. I can honestly say I put it off until the very last moment that I saw being appropriate; I mean you can only make out and dry hump for so long before things start getting weird! I approached it the way I wanted to: without SHAME. My voice was shaky, but I smiled. I made jokes, but I told the truth. It was a liberating experience. My partner took some time to think things over. I sent him the disclosure sheet from the blog, he said it was really helpful! The day after I disclosed, there were a lot of mixed emotions on my end. I was proud of myself for telling the truth, but I was also scared. Scared that this person that I had grown so close to over the last month, would change his mind about me. Scared that I may be rejected. I cried. I mourned for a short period the person I was when I didn't have a STD. Oh how easy things would be, right? In a way, I think not having herpes would be more difficult. Don't you think it would be twice as hard to weed out the not so nice guys? I do now! After a weekend apart, he decided that it was worth it, that I was worth it, and that he wanted to take that next leap: into sexy land, ohhh ya baby. Yay me! I haven't felt this much love in a long, long, long time. And not just from him, but from myself, towards myself. I feel like I have exhaled a huge burden. The burden of feeling like I will never be enough, that I will never be truly whole again. The simple truth is, is that I am more than enough, I am more complete today than I was eight years ago when I contracted this silly virus. What a lesson. What a mind blowing, life changing, Fucking awesome weekend! I knew I would be ok. Deep down- through all the pain, the shame, the outbreaks, the self loathing- I knew I would be ok. Is it over? the pain, the heartache? Probably not- I haven't been quite that blindsided- but I will tell you this: All you out there who are feeling worthless, lonely, un-loveable, gross, undeserving, scared, depressed- all that shit that goes along with a herpes diagnosis- you will realize one day that what holds you back from living is NOT a stupid skin virus that causes a few cold sores. It's that damn tape that plays over and over in your head, kind of like a Phish jam you wished would just be over already! Stop the tape. Replace the song with love. It sounds cheesy, but if I had continued to tell myself I would never find anyone to love me, and that I was too gross to ever be touched again, I NEVER would have had the courage to tell my partner about herpes. You have to start with you. Its all about you babycakes. Love that herpes ass of yours! It is possible, so very possible.

Thank you for sharing this video! Harlow, I am also struggling with making peace with myself after having sex with a partner and not disclosing to them. It is literally tearing me up inside. I felt so guilty about not saying anything, that I told him the next day.(this occurred last summer) It did not go very well. We have a chatted a bit since then, but this feeling that I was so dishonest in a moment that is supposed to be about honesty and trust- makes me feel so horrible. I just cant shake the guilt and the shame. I think what bothers me even more is thinking that he thinks I'm gross, or that I'm a bitch and a horrible person..... i am also having an outbreak right now and these feeling always seem surface ten fold during this time. I'm going to watch the video again:) xo

Hi Johanna! Thanks for writing me! I think its great you are seeing someone so that you can talk about how you are feeling. I wish I had done that early on. Im just now understanding that I need help from others in order to heal-- and Im seven years in! I definitely understand the shame. And the guilt. All of it. We can chat anytime! take care:)

Hi- I knew the man i was sleeping with had herpes when we started dating. he and my close friend dated previous to us, and she had herpes too! when she and I talked about herpes, she was very open about, with a sort of laid back attitude and said i had a good chance of not getting it. In my mind, i was like, its no big deal. So, when he and i started sleeping together, told me he had herpes, and I said OK, Im not afraid of it. However, he told me when we were in bed, and naked and already half way to the end zone, so of course I was more apt to say, sure! just get it right in there! but thats besides the point....:) God I was young, and eager for love and attention. when i learned i had herpes, i never held it against him. I held it against ME, for being so dumb and quick to act without really thinking, because in all honesty, its a scary thing to go through at first. I didnt judge the man who had herpes. I had empathy for him, i understood that it wasnt his fault he had it. i loved him. i can only hope that someone, will feel the same way about me someday:)

Hello Everyone! My name is Katie. I have been pondering the idea of joining this forum since November, when I stumbled upon it during a particularly painful outbreak. Well, it wasn't until today that I decided to reach out and admit that I need help and support in order to see myself as a whole person, deserving of love. I am hopeful that this forum will bring me one step closer :) So my story goes like this.....I have had genital herpes for about seven years now. I willingly had unprotected sex with a guy I had been seeing, KNOWING that he had herpes. Looking back, I can see that in that moment, I decided that how he felt about me was more important than saying, I'm not doing this with out a damn condom! I didn't put my health or myself first...but that is a whole other can of worms we can open later... Who knows if it (condom) even would have prevented the transmission anyway; this guy and I were together for six years after that. In hindsight, I think I made the decision in that moment i found out i had herpes, to do whatever it took to make the relationship work, because I sure as hell wasn't going out into the world to date people; its soooo much easier having sex with someone else who has herpes. And that's what I did, for six years. Even though I knew it wasn't right. When I first learned I had herpes, I was blessed enough to be living with an amazing woman and friend, who also had herpes. She was able to ease my mind a bit, and tried to reassure me that its not the biggest deal in the world and that it would be ok. I kind of believed her. It still fucking sucked ass balls. :)) Over the years I have had outbreaks. I probably average about two a year. Not too awful, and they always come about when I am stressed and consequently drinking more alcohol that I should be (boooooooo!)--- gotta take care of that immune system! but its when the outbreaks come that the self esteem really gets a blow, and I start getting really depressed. I am on the edge of one now. And its OK. But I feel lonely. and I feel marked. I am trying to see it only as a skin condition, and some days I am OK with that description. Other days its just like....fuuuuuuuuuck. So anyways, here I am. 31. Single. With herpes. I'm a great person. I know I am a great person. But I feel trapped. I feel gross. I feel like no one will accept me. I DO NOT want to be rejected. Herpes literally envelops most of my thoughts and time during the day. I have become obsessive about it, and I do not like this feeling. I'm here on this forum because I truly believe I can be free of this. I can see that light that is purely me and that isn't affected by some stupid virus with a stupid stigma. It just seems so far away right now, and I think i need some help to get there. I really appreciate you reading this, and I hope we can connect and start the healing together. :)>- Katie