Unprotected sex for 3-year relationship — did I pass herpes to him?

[NewLife2013]

Hi everyone!

I'm one week post-diagnosis and am so glad I found this forum. I'm in my upper 30's, a mom, a professional, and a health nut. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and my sudden diagnosis came as an unsettling shock.

 

Now that I understand prodome, I know I've felt the sensations before, but last week was the first time I saw a lesion. I got tested at my annual and my dr confirmed. I told my boyfriend right away. He says he's never felt any symptoms or anything 'off'.

 

So is it possible that in our 3 years in a monogamous relationship with each other, unprotected sex, I've had it all along and just never passed it to him?? He plans on getting tested but I'm just so curious about this.

 

Thanks!!!

[mr_hopp]

Yes, it is possible. I was in a 3-year relationship with a woman without herpes and never passed it to her. (Of course I knew I had herpes, so I was as safe as I could be with her and I took suppressive therapy.) Also, the chances of passing on herpes to your boyfriend is much less than the chances of passing it from a man to a woman. The stats are 4% to a man vs. 10% to a woman (more mucous membrane). Check out these handouts for all the stats:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

[NewLife2013]

Thanks Adrial! I've read those, but I guess it still seemed impossible to me that he wouldn't get it with as much unprotected sex as we've had, with no knowledge of having herpes to take precaution. Good to know he may be ok.

 

We had sex last weekend when I was feeling prodome sensations (pre-diagnosis) and now I wonder how soon it would show up for him, if he got it.

 

 

[mr_hopp]

There are so many factors at play when it comes to herpes transmission: How much you shed the virus, your immune system, his immune system, if he already has cold sores (HSV-1, which would make him more immune to getting HSV-2), if there are any breaks in his skin from shaving or rough sex, etc. ... Also, it takes many weeks for antibodies to build up enough in the blood stream to be detectable in a blood test, so if you just had sex last week, I'd also get him tested about 2 months from now, too, to know for sure.

[NewLife2013]

That all makes sense. Now that we both know, we will be aware and careful of the signs. It's difficult to transition from a carefree sexual relationship to one that is more regimented. But I've read quite a bit about people overcoming the hurdles so I'm sure we will too :)

[mr_hopp]

Hey, don't fall into the whole idea now that sex has to be REGIMENTED. Please. ;) Sex is still just as fun, sexy and deep. Anything other is just something you're choosing to believe. Be careful, but don't be paranoid. That's what I always say.

 

Check out this video for a reframe around sex:

 

[NewLife2013]

That was a great video, thank you!! Makes me want to go on a hike:)

[heat]

I would like to add that if you have H1, you will only pass herpes on to him if you have an outbreak with LESIONS. H2 can be passed when shedding as well, so when you are a-symptomatic as well as when you have the itching/burning and lesions. I learned this from a very knowledgeable health care practitioner who I talked to here in Canada. ALSO, if he has H1, which MANY people do and don't even know it and some only rarely get outbreaks, then you cannot give him MORE H1 - ie. you are equal and therefore you wouldn't spread it to him. It depends on what type of herpes you've been diagnosed with from what I understand. Hope this helps!

[NewLife2013]

Thanks Heat. I have HSV2 and he's never had any cold sores. So he'll get tested in a month or two or go in if he sees anything suspicious. I think the OB I just had was not my first one, as I can now recognize the prodome symptoms from times before. Anyway I guess time will tell! Thanks again :)