second disclosure done, bit confused and need advice...

[Claudia01]

so im new to this site but reading everyone's stories and advice gave me the courage to disclose 2 days ago...

 

my first disclosure was with my last boyfriend in December, and he was a bit younger than me and just couldnt deal with it and didnt want anything to do with it, decided to treat me like crap for 2 days cos we were away when i told him (prob not a good choice of timing) and then started ignoring me, then we decided to go on a break and then we broke up 2 weeks later anyway.. it was a very tough time for me as he was the first partner ive told about it. so it obviously ruined any confidence i had that anyone would ever understand.. this is a guy who told me he could never be mad at me and i was his whole world.. pfft.

 

so i started seeing (just casually) this guy about a month ago. he lives 5 min walk from me so its quite convenient, we had been seeing each other about 4 times a week. having sleepovers too. he cooks me breakfast, does sweet things like that. such a nice guy. i wasnt sure how i felt about him and i didnt know if the fact that i had to disclose to him was blocking my feelings because i was afraid of how he would react and didnt want to get hurt again.

in the last week i realised i did really like him and hes done everything right so i wanted to give him a chance, my friends like him and his friend told me how good of a person he is etc. so i spoke to one of my friends about disclosing and she thought, since i have been making excuses not to have sex with him, it was time. i was also a bit apprehensive because i see him most weekends as we have drinks after soccer our teams are quite close as friends so didnt want things to get awkward.

so i decided on monday that i was going to do it the next day, as i was going to his for the day just to hang out.

i kept putting it off while i was there, i was probably acting a bit weird, i was quite nervous all day. then i worked up the courage and he said i have to get ready for work... so i wasnt going to blurt it out and let him go to work and not be able to speak about it. so i left disappointed that i didnt do it.

i had in my head i had to do it that day and i would feel anxious about it until i did. i msgd him a bit later asking if i could come over after work. so i went to his place later that night and i had to have 2 drinks at home before i went because i was that nervous... just so scared of the rejection again. i probably worked myself up too much but i just couldnt help it. i read stories and advice on this site for 2 days before i went but stil couldnt be calm about it. he asked if i was alright when i was at his place., and i said yeah can we talk in your room.

so we sat on his bed and i blurted it out. i told him how a guy gave it to me and didnt tell me he had it, i told him the risks and how its quite stigmatised and its not as bad as everyone makes out, its basically a skin condition that affects me every few months and i jus take some medication and we cant have sex for that period. not a huge deal, but i told him how i was nervous to tell him cos of how my ex reacted. i also told him its not who i am, its just what i have and i cant change that.

he said he didnt know much about it and i asked if he wanted to read something. so i gave him a bit of info on it, and he read it then hugged me for ages as he could see i was a bit shaken. he asked if i was going home or staying over and i said whatever you want, and he asked me to stay. which was nice. so we watched tv for a while and went to bed, and he hugged me all night, like normal. in the morning i had to go to work so i just asked if he needed space or anything and he said he wasnt sure. didnt want to push it so i left. he msgd me a bit later as normal and we texted a few times yesterday, still calling me babe etc. but wasnt as talkative as normal, not asking many questions i dont know if he was just trying to be nice so he kept talking to me. (im a girl so may just read into things too much)

 

so i msgd him this morning and he wrote back a bit later.. just doesnt seem the same? so im not sure if i should bring it up and say if you need space thats fine just let me know, or not make such a big deal out of it and not bring it up... its just a bit weird cos he isnt my boyfriend and i dont want to be pushy or anything. but i want to see him and know how hes feeling about it..

 

sorry for the essay, would just like some advice from ppl who have been in the same situation and dont want to push things when i guess hes still a bit shocked and confused about the whole thing.

[james81]

Yeah sure,

 

Have you ever watched the dog whisperer? LOL, yeah, I am comparing humans with dogs, what up.

 

So, Cesar Millán says that dogs can feel your energy, absorb it, and project it 2-fold. Your body language, your voice tone, everything, the dog catches and behaves accordingly.

 

Cute guys do the same. You are transmitting your insecurities, your fears, your low self esteem. You had a bad past experience (did i read right? you slept with you bf before disclosing it?)

 

I can smell the scent... sniff snifff you are scared and you will scare him away.

 

You told him that you have a skin condition but then you acted like it was a big deal (you were shaken and all)

 

First, control your feelings like a Zen monk, then down-play the issue, believe in what you say! no need to lie, and obviously don't need to sugarcoat it.

 

Be straight, be fun, be sincere, PROFIT form it.

 

I mean, seriously, you are in total control of the situation. He is absorbing your feelings unconsciously. He doesn't know anything about the H, but he projects himself into you and react likewise.

 

1.- You go into full panic armaggedon emo girl mode? he will too

 

2.- You behave like Legolas wearing shades kind of coolness? he will accept it as a minor triviality.

 

And hey! if at the end he decides not to give it a try, H worked for you as a filter for good/bad guys.

 

Its a win-win situation for you!