Why do I still feel soo miserable about having hsv2

[Anonymous88]

I have met such a lovely caring person who I have been in a relationship with for over 4 months. I disclosed to him after a few dates as I felt it was a good opportunity to be able to be open with him and to not be worrying myself any longer about holding what feels like a big black cloud over my head.

He was fine with it, it didn't seem to bother him one bit,I asked him if he had any questions which he replied no.

In fear of getting rejected I disclosed by saying that I was unfortunate that a guy who was aware he was having some sort of symptoms wasn't honest with me and passed onto me the same virus similar to chicken pox except instead of a cold sore on my lip I could get them down there" and went on to say I am on medication and since haven't had an outbreak and if I did feel a blister coming on then we just won't have sex during that time as I will do everything I can to keep you safe,it really isn't a big deal.

I feel I made it sound less scary and sugar coated over as if I was in a way selling something that was shit but making someone believe that its not when in actual fact deep down it is a big deal to me, the facts are I have an incurable STD for LIFE, HSV2 is the worst one to get as the outbreaks average at 4-5 per year as per studies on google which is a lot of painful outbreaks that would get in the way of my life prior to herpes. I have to take 2 tablets each day around the same time for as long as I can because I am terrified of experiecing another outbreak and the painful reminder from how I got it even though taking tablets everyday reminds me of it and I will have to go to the health centre twice a year now to be prescribed the suppressive therapy for it when my life is already stretched being a single mum and juggling a job too.

This evening as I got a new pack of acyclivor out to take one for ,I said to my bf who came over that I want to cry every time I take a tablet as its just a horrible reminder of that guy who gave me this. He seemed confused and I said you know what I talked about to you what he gave me (without using the terrifying words genital herpes that I have avoided to say) and he replied yes I know but never asked any more questions and that was the end of that.

I should be somewhat happy that he accepts it and doesn't seem bothered or questions me and don't get outbreaks whilst on this daily med apart from the rare tingling sometimes like a blister is trying to surface but deep down I'm not..its been a year and yes with more time I am dealing with this so much better as I am not reminded by painful outbreaks but at the same time I am left angry and upset about it deep down,I'm devastated. I don't want to put my bf off me by bringing how I feel up as don't want to risk losing him but also I want him to ask questions so that he knows its not something really I feel should just be ignored as I would be soo terrified for him to catch it even though I have been honest upfront about it all.

[hope27]

Agreed you and your partner needs to have an open discussion on this. May be your partner has already done research of his own and knows precautions to be taken. 

I feel its not about hsv1 or 2. It's about carrying something incurable for the rest of our life. When I first found I have hsv (still I don't know which strain it is) I felt end of my life, became suicidal and what not. But now slowly I am learning to take it one day at a time. First I was scared how will I live alone with this my entire life. Then I thought more and more and realized we don't know what is waiting for us tomorrow. So I have stopped thinking about what will happen to me when I become old. I have always lived in present and will continue to do the same. But now I have started taking good care of my health and diet. I am now in a journey of self discovery. I still feel depressed in the morning and that is something that not going to go away soon. And who knows a cure may be there in next 10 years😊

[Pippy]

Sweet baby angel!

 

This virus can be a tricky one, though mostly only in so far as broader social views of it are concerned. I completely empathise with your feelings of anxiety, but I do want you to know (& without being presumptuous or belittling your experience) that this is an anxious response! 

What you told your partner is by no means downplaying the reality of the virus! If I was to tell a partner and base it on my experience of it I would tell them I get no symptoms at all and I find it much more difficult dealing with chronic psoriasis (which is significantly harder to manage). Regarding the ‘facts’ of GHSV2 - I do think we play a made up game of saying one form of HSV is ‘better’ than the other & definitely play the game of one location being better than the other. Yes GHSV2 can result in more outbreaks (& more viral shedding), however the reality is 87% of people who have it are symptomless or get such mild symptoms they don’t look or feel anything like ‘classic’ cases of herpes (though I would argue that a classic case of herpes presents as symptomless lol). Regarding the 4-5 outbreaks a year - that’s an average (of the minority who experience symptoms) and generally refers to more recently acquired cases (over time, outbreaks are fewer and symptoms lessen). For some people with unfortunate immune systems this is not the case. That’s luck of the draw, I’m afraid - however through looking after yourself and with antivirals, in the majority of cases (out of the minority who do get symptoms - just to really hammer my point home) it’s very easily managed! As I say, my psoriasis which I’ve dealt with chronically is a real asshole to deal with!

Now, back to my point about about anxiety. I know it may be hard to believe - given, as we all do, you’re living inside your own mind, it’s entirely possible to not give a shit about herpes. I have met a veritable plethora of individuals who shrug or laugh sweetly at the mention of herpes. So it’s entirely possible that ya bf is one of those individuals. When we’re so in something it can be really hard to see that other people have different perspectives on things. I used to have agoraphobia (in short, I was pretty terrified of leaving the house/feeling I couldn’t get out of situations. I was constantly amazed that other people didn’t have this issue (like genuinely was like “how do people do this life thing”). I think through bad sex Ed and some social conditioning some people see herpes as a bigger deal than necessary (which is also fine!), but it’s also entirely possible to work on that and feel better with it and it’s also entirely possible for people to just never feel affected by it.

Everything you’ve done, by disclosing, talking to your experience and leaving it open for your bf to have a think and ask questions is 100% the right way to handle this. & although I understand you feeling worried about bringing it up with him because you’re worried you’ll scare him (if that does end up being the case, I’d say - well if he’s unable to engage in something small scale emotional, then that may be for the best) but likely it’ll be fine. I do think it’s important even just to let him know you feel anxiety around your H+ status, that sometimes you’re fearful about it and it gets you down and sometimes your worried that he could contract it (something to that effect) and just be honest that it plays on your mind. I also think it may be helpful to get you some therapy! (Lots of good sexual health/sexuality therapists out there) or to even join a support group, just so you can get to a better place with your diagnosis &, because I do think - while it’s important to discuss your anxieties with your bf - if your are obsessing/overthinking something that the other person can’t quite relate to, it can be hard on both of you (you to not feel totally heard and the other person to not quite understand your anxieties/feel like they’re helping you). I’ve had some mental health issues, the focus of which defffffinitely ended my first relationship because my partner was so drained by my anxiety.

Apologies for this whole-ass rant. But I relate; my past-self helps me empathise and I send several thumbs up - cause your moral compass is on point, but you just need to get that anxiety in check!