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unbreakable

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  1. So I’m feeling a lot better now than I did before. And I hate it. Why? Because my present self basically wants to murder my past self for ruining the future. Now that I know I DO deserve to be happy, I hate settling for anything less I’m in a relationship that is happy but we have 0 trust. He doesn’t trust me because I infected him and was weak and lied. I don’t trust him because instead of confronting me he started falling for / flirting with everything with pulse and a pair of boobs to satisfy his emotional needs which I only later found out. I want to be honest, and argue when necessary! Like normal couples! But: you know how conversations have a tendency to get broader and broader in topics until “going back to Adam and Eve”? Well, whenever we feel a motivation to fix what doesn’t feel good, and inevitably get to the root of it, what do we find? MY GODDAMNED MISTAKE of not accepting my diagnosis to be true and infecting him then for a long time saying I was clean. He does have mistakes too, but they don’t compare. Is hitting on other girls on the street while just starting to date someone rude? To me it is. Duh. But is it an incurable virus? I DON’T DAMN THINK SO... I’m so ashamed. I deserve better than who I was! I deserve respect and I deserve to be someone’s one and only queen, if I’m not single... I don’t wanna face this any more times. I already went to hell and back a lot. I’m so mad at my mistakes. I am an awesome human except for this one thing! I know it, I feel it, I know myself! I feel like grieving, almost all the time. I literally just wish for trust and appreciation. Basic things that most people have. Hell, I would take the cure for herpes too, if emotional remedies are out of stock... But that’s really just the second thing I would need to not feel like I’m slowly dying.
  2. First I had to suffer from a messy childhood which led me into a short and sad relationship. I was a late bloomer, I waited for “the right one”, but I met an immature person. He made the breakup out to be my fault, I felt devastated, from then on I let everyone who wanted me have me, it just didn’t have any value to me – no I didn’t enjoy it at all. I caught herpes from a terrible older dude who knew he had it but for some reason never told me except for one time accidentally but it was already too late. He infected me Now I have to suffer because I infected someone. I was in denial about my diagnosis, he was pushy, it happened too fast, we got intimate and he caught it. His very ill mother passed away after a few weeks of us dating, my dumb ass thought I was his only help in his grief so I kept quiet about everything except for trying to make him feel better. I lied to myself and to him about me being STD free for a year. (I never knew the grief wasn’t about his mom he knew was gonna go soon but about his health, and my presence just worsened it...) We’re still together, I’ve already came to terms with and admitted having herpes... Of course it’s a troubled thing that will never be pure, a dysfunctional relationship dynamic because of the bad memories we BOTH have. I ruined a big part of his life. I caused him pain. And now I feel like a monster for wanting to leave and finally let him live a free life, because that will cause him pain too! It literally sounds so terrible it would make anyone nauseous... I infected him and I break up with him. From an outside perspective it looks like I just want to escape the consequence of my actions, or think he’s broken and choose to leave for someone better instead of supporting him. None of these is the case. I just know how terrible it is to be stuck with the person who infected you, so I want to leave. That way he can live his best life again (except for having to disclose and to take acyclovir...) and I can improve myself too. I just can’t grow bigger than my guilt, when he’s around. I relapse into self hate and become a terrible partner as well as a depressed and unattractive person. No matter how hot I dress, I’ll still be unappealing. Partly because of the sadness, partly because duh I am the one who infected him with a goddamn virus that can’t be cleaned out of the body. It might not cause frequent symptoms, date partners might not be freaked out about it if they were gonna use protection anyway or if maybe they have H too... But I still f**ed up his health, and his trust. Maybe he’ll never be able to believe a woman again. Who knows? I don’t! And neither does he yet because he hasn’t dated after me – neither before me actually. Getting H when losing your virginity, what kind of luck is this???
  3. It’s best to just forget her. Sounds like a very insensitive woman to me, what a shame! Don’t associate the virus with her in your mind, otherwise you will feel like you carry her and her actions with you. The virus is just a virus. You are stronger than it. I got it from a terrible older dude who convinced me to “give him a chance”, I thought he was mature etc. but turned out he’s had the virus for ca. 30 years and just went around destroying women’s health because of “having used the last condom already”... No idea if he knew it was a contangious thing. Maybe he was ignorant. Maybe he wanted to keep someone captive by taking away her possibilities of dating without having to worry about disclosure. I was so preoccupied with hating him that it brought on stress and outbreaks. I felt like I was cursed by him, whenever I thought about him I would get itchy and sore. Thank God I don’t care anymore. Karma will get him. I will restore my health, but he will still be an asshole... There’s no pill against being a terrible person...
  4. To me it’s really all about how my immune system and nervous system is feeling. Stress is the worst thing, whether one has HSV or not, so it’s definitely to be avoided. Try not to pull all nighters, always be one step ahead of getting exhausted - you can party or stay up or worry about deadlines but don’t let it overwhelm you, otherwise your body will need time to heal the damage of stress. I basically run on caffeine, I drink my coffee black, a double every morning. I didn’t experience any discomfort related to it. Drink away. Cheers! As long as it doesn’t get your stress levels up (I mean drinking too much at once, or drinking it to avoid having to sleep longer) you’re good to go. In my experience atleast. Sugar however can promote inflammation of all kinds, so again, HSV aside, reducing sugar intake will help your wellbeing. I do eat sweets sometimes but I prefer fruits and (when cooking) natural alternatives like xylithol or stevia. I never convinced myself to start running, but I do cardio 4x a week at the gym, elliptical trainer etc. Lots of sweating, high heart rate, sometimes my lady parts rub against the fabric I’m wearing too, duh... and no problems so far. If you have an outbreak but don’t feel sick (fever, weakness, typical flu-like “Attention! There’s a virus in the system! Oh no!” symptoms) then you can workout. Use a tiny bit of Lidocaine cream if you have any discomfort. And of course shower soon afterwards. By the way, I found warm salt baths really helpful, it relaxes my skin as well as my nerves. Maybe consider a suppressive therapeutic dose of antivirals on a regular basis, if needed. Dating is not any worse than otherwise. LOL Normally you have to tell potential partners things like “I voted for XY, I like/hate being touched here and there, I prefer (not) to be in control, I don’t like to get physical til the whateverth date”, now you just have to add “I have this little problem but I have it under control, the risk for you if we use protection is minor, but ofcourse I wanted to let you know so you can choose whether to take it or not”. Don’t let the diagnosis bring you down, indeed, it’s just a virus that causes a skin irritation, not a huge deal if you take care of your health anyway! All the best.
  5. I had my tonsils removed when I was a kid, I always had a cold and a bad cough so I had to. However, it can grow back in some cases. What I know is that not every strain of streptococcus makes you ill, some you just carry and your immune system fights it. ASO is present in the blood in higher levels when you are currently fighting it or were recently sick. They’re pretty common bacteria. Some strains can affect your respiratory system, which I don’t know is my case – I never feel actually sick, I just sometimes have a runny nose that I thought was allergy or whatnot. Is it possible that my immune system is weakened by having tonsils that collect all this bacteria? Is it worth a try to go and ask the doctors to put that good old lamp in my mouth and check if I have tonsils and if they’re inflammated or not? My lymph nodes are not swollen, by the way. No sign of any problem.
  6. Guilt is sooo much worse than rejection, trust me! Next time the topic comes up let her know how you feel. It’s an important thing morally as well. Hell, even call her if it’s bothering you to let her keep doing this, don’t you let yourself feel like a partner in crime. Sorry to sound selfish but I’m speaking from experience. Her man deserves to know. If there are no outbreaks and he hasn’t caught it yet chances are it’s really just a harmless case of having H, no need to freak out about it. Wish y’all strength.
  7. Let me rant a little. I feel like I’ve messed up the whole relationship dynamic forever! Whenever something bad happens we never know if it’s because of H or not. Because he caught it so early on we didn’t even have time to get to know each other properly. Also, it’s a first serious relationship for both of us. So, for instance, when he buys a Playboy magazine to pass time between meetings, neither do I nor does he know if it’s because of a muffled desire for running wild and getting all the healthy, happy, attractive and new ladies without having to worry about a disclosure, OR y’know, just a completely normal “guy thing”, actually who doesn’t like pretty girls? I’m straight and even I do! And I could go on... Really... If I have a cold but don’t go to the doc after the first few sneezes we don’t know if he wants me to go because he is worried about me because he loves me, or because not caring enough about my health has already caused him problems once and it’s quite unattractive. If I am in a cranky mood we don’t know if he’s annoyed simply because he feels bad about his queen having turned into a dragon which she’s clearly not enjoying, or because he feels like every bad-mood moment spent with me is amplified because of what I’ve done robbing him of his time and denying him the truth. (I lied to myself too but whatever.) Realllllly. Everything seems tainted sometimes. I know there is no magic pill for the emotional mess I made, I just had to get it off my chest, and maybe I’ll get some advice too. Stay strong y’all. Thanks for reading.
  8. My partner has caught it from me. I was in denial about my diagnosis and we were also a little drunk. I did not initiate having sex, I was just too tired not to go with it. In spite of all this we did fall in love. I hate having betrayed him like this, when he confronted me about his symptoms I even lied for a longer while about not having known about the virus. I know, I’ve been through hell because of it already so I don’t need to be told how badly I messed up. Then I finally came to terms with everything and told everything to him He seems to feel more love for me than any other emotion, he’s still attracted to me, and said he’d much rather let go of his anger and disappointment than let go of the person he feels so close to. Will he ever be able to look at me with fresh eyes and appreciate me for who I am when I’m not a dumbass in denial about her own health? I really want him to be happy and attracted, and kinda start again. I do love him.
  9. So I’ve read that if you have an outbreak during (vaginal) childbirth there is a risk of transmission. I understand that But what about C-section? I am rather petite so I was going to opt for that anyway when the time comes. Can the child have any health problems while in the womb? Or the virus doesn’t affect the womb if I keep proper hygiene and abstain from any activity that could spread the virus deeper? How about acyclovir, can I take it or is it harmful in my bloodstream for the child? Nowhere close to starting a family yet, but I’m a woman and I’d love to have kids one day so it’s a reasonable concern.
  10. Hi Do any of you have a normal sleep schedule? I either go to bed late but sleep enough or go to bed on time but have early mornings. Never a good 8 hours starting before midnight. I sometimes notice very comfortable timeperiods, usually around a relaxing activity. For instance if I go swimming or to the theatre after my long workday I’ll feel more “balanced” below the belt too. Sometimes. I wonder if I could be symptoms free if I managed to sleep enough. Right now it’s just russian roulette, I either feel great or feel sh*tty in spite of 400mg/800mg acyclovir daily.
  11. Since it affects nerves I was wondering... It can cause nerve pain from the waist below but can it also make someone irritable and feel in a low mood? (Without taking in consideration the emotional turmoil it can cause.)
  12. unbreakable

    I am not complete

    It’s been almost 2 years since I got diagnosed but I’m still not recovered mentally. One of my most important body parts is ruined. I do everything to avoid outbreaks but discomfort still lingers almost always. The part of me that is supposed to bring me pleasure is only making me annoyed and hopeless. As a woman I used to see it as kind of a sacred place, that’s hidden and is complex and it’s a great experience to share it with someone I let in. Now it’s dangerous for others’ health if I were to get intimate with anyone... I feel like I’ve lost a part of me mentally/spiritually. I’m only 22. I have only ever had 5 encounters before I caught the virus from someone who knew he had it, and they all were almost-consensual one night stands. I had yet to really desire someone. I was never irresponsible. This one guy took me home after an anything but successful date and I was so sad and afraid and maybe hoping for a better end to the night than the rest of it was that I let him. We used a condom but “that was the last one he had” and while I was tired and trying to sleep I “agreed” to do it without one the second time. Is my life over forever or? I really have no idea.
  13. unbreakable

    Isolation?

    I mean we could have been so happy! And maybe we still could be...?! He’s become more mature and more loving since in a relationship. He’s amazing. I’m afraid that he will fall in love with the wrong girl. Anyway, not my problem. I know I’m not the right one for him. I was just a lesson. Thanks for reading.
  14. unbreakable

    Isolation?

    Is it bad to want to leave a relationship because it reminds me of my past mistakes? I infected a guy I didn’t disclose to but he stayed with me, on some days we get along really well and I actually feel a connection and see a future, but he has slight PTSD because of my deeds and to be honest so do I! I can’t stand the person I was back then, I was letting fear control me... And everytime I look at him I see only a little bit of the wonderful person he is because my mind is clouded by my own self hate, everytime I look at him it’s like a mirror that shows me as a terrible monster! He tries not to mention it to me too often, he doesn’t put me through emotional abuse at all even though I’d kinda deserve it. But he has his bad days, and I can see it in his eyes that he’s withering away beside me because of me! I think he doesn’t know his opportunities well enough, I’m his first girlfriend and he doesn’t know how much better it could get than this relationship. Also he’s afraid he would infect someone. And he tries to forgive me but I think it’s nearly impossible and definitely not necessary. It would be easier to just leave me, to think I was a monster, and to move on. Then I could move on too and make myself understand that I am NOT a monster anymore. I know I f.cked up badly but you know... I DO deserve to be admired with passion as much as he deserves to have a passionate relationship. I don’t have to stay if it’s making me sad more often than him. It might seem like an immature decision though. But it feels right. Feels painful but feels right. I want to focus on myself, not dating just loving myself more. I really wish he would have to courage to fall for someone else without fearing the disclosure! I wish he could let me go... I am witty and caring and I do look good, (I know my worth) but if I’m not making him happy, because of who I am/was, then it’s silly of him to stay! Buuut leaving a person after I had hurt him so severely, leaving a person who still loves me, leaving a person whom I still love, kinda... is just so rude and painful! Or would it not be? I’m so clueless. I don’t know if breaking things off would be a healthy mature decision towards both of our recovery or a dumb decision that my depression and self hate is telling me!!!
  15. I was going through very hard times mentally, without any help, when a guy asked me on a date. Long story short, I went because I thought we could be good friends and he seemed nice, but he turned out to be way too eager later on and I spiraled into bad memories when he kissed me without me really wanting it, I felt I had no control whatsoever over my life and relationships. We ended up at my place and started off using a condom but it kept slipping so he took it off. I was both aware and unaware of my illness. Tried to be cautious but still refused to believe I had been plagued with a virus at such a young age. (21 when caught it from an abusive person and 22 when this date happened.) My mind was in a constant state of dissociation so yeah. I f*ed up but I was f*ed up too. Not an excuse, just another addition to the story. Later turned out I was his first, hence being pushy and hence not knowing how to use a condom properly. I ruined him for life, or atleast til a cure is found. HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS? Yes he could still date, yes he could still party, but he must have the talk, and he must watch his immune system, so he’s not fully FREE anymore. And he’s never even had any experiences when he was free to have them, he had to provide for his family and never dated or partied... (He was 23 at the time.) Now let me get to the selfish part as well. Our relationship went pretty well before he developed symptoms, my dumb ass believed “oh I’m healthy and happy”, we went on fun dates, almost developed deeper feelings mutually... Then BAMM it happened, he fell ill with a fever, got tested H+, his mother who’s been battling a heart disease suddendly passed away, I was desperate so I told him I was clean of STDS because I didn’t want him to lose the only person who could comfort his grief (I thought I was that person, how dumb). I only recently told him 2 months ago that I did get a + result for H when 21 years old but did not KNOW I had H because I was too ruined mentally. We have been and are still in contact, dating actually, but c’mon a relationship can’t be built on such weak foundations... So yeah, the selfish part is: How the f* do I get over having ruined my chances of being happy with the only guy to this day whom I could hold a proper conversation with??? I have never been a fan of dating, I was busy with my own life but kept an eye out for guys who were interested in me, and no I don’t want to start dating. I was just glad he came along, after getting over my irrational anger about him kissing me too soon. And now I’m mad at myself. You know, maybe if I told him I had H then we would’ve never had sex but I could’ve stayed friends with him and I could have him in my life without feeling guilty and like a monster! Buuut I never had a chance to, because he wasn’t very keen on talking on the first date, he just wanted sex and then to leave... Idk. We both messed up but I messed up worse than him of course. Idk what now. My carreer is going okay, learning self love is fun because I get to pamper myself with gym or hot baths or whatnot, but my soul is a big mess still.
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