unbreakable

So I’m a young woman and I have infected a guy I was with. I was severely depressed during that time and unable to take responsibility for anything, but on our date it wasn’t really visible because the game of trying to show each other our most fun side distracted me to some extent so I felt and looked kinda happy. Anyway, it’s been a year, we’ve kept in touch, and he’s still heartbroken about his freedom. He’s one of those people who can chat anyone up anytime anyplace. He used to work in sales, he’s never shy, and he looks good as hell too. His favourite thing to do used to be what a lot of other people in their 20s do, chatting with attractive people randomly and adding them on social media to stay in touch. He was pretty successful at it too we could say. He never got “there” with anyone else though, except for me. (Such terrible luck!) This is over. The steps to some no strings spontaneous fun are no longer oh, hi, wow, I am XY, so are so..., and let’s go. He might never experience a real one night stand because SOMEWHERE in between these steps telling them about this ugly virus is a must. Even if they accept it, it breaks the natural flow of the conversation/interaction. Even if they accept it, it can mess up the way they look at each other. Even if the accept it, they can feel sorry instead of feeling attracted like they did before. Even if they don’t judge it, they very well might not want to risk their own health. Let alone what happens and how some women would react when they can’t accept it! (And now I haven’t even mentioned looking for a relationship... or starting a family... If he ever wants to have children he will have to have sex with his girlfriend/wife without protection, and if she contracts the virus C-section will be the only safe way to deliver the baby without getting in touch with herpes, and that can leave ugly scars and can lead to weight gain in some cases... Well, I’ll just stop making myself cry here. It’s a tragedy.) So please, drop all of your stories here, so that I can imagine that it’s not impossible for him to live the lifestyle he wants. Might even share some of them with him, without mentioning names or any other information. Thank you guys.

Just need to get this out. I got herpes from an assault, and was in denial because of the shock. I knew I had it but I refused to believe this was reality, my memory was temporarily impaired as well. I wish I went to therapy but I was too weak to search help and I had no one who cared. My real parents are not alive anymore and my stepmom simply never realized that I was very seriously mentally ill... Because of being in denial about it, I didn’t disclose to a guy. He asked me on a date, it was nice and I didn’t expect it to turn physical at all, then we drank a little and he got kinda pushy when he got tipsy and we ended up in bed. I had flashbacks of my assault and my mind froze. I didn’t push him away when he said he wants to try it without condoms too. He contracted the virus. He got the duagnosis. He fell in a severe depressive episode, he couldn’t eat, couldn’t get up, couldn’t even get out of bed to go to the pharmacy for antivirals. He confessed the story to his mother, who was a very old fashioned and overly protective lady, around 55 years old, and she had a pacemaker for a heart condition, her heart was very weak. Sometimes she would go to the pharmacy for him when he couldn’t get up. Later that month, if this would not have been enough of a tragedy, she had another heart attack and died. The ambulance got there very fast but it was already too late. Even though she probably could have died at any time because she was very very weak, I am convinced it was because of the stress that her son’s illness and emotional pain caused. It literally broke her heart. He then spiraled even deeper into depression. We hardly ever talked, but my dumb ass thought he was grieving. Later turns out he WAS grieving but not the mother’s loss. She was severely ill and he kind of let go of the fear of losinf her back when she had her first heart attack and got the pacemaker. He was grieving his own life and happiness and freedom and health. He can no longer stay up late, get drunk, or do anything that’s fun but unhealthy, not even in moderation, because his skin might start developing wounds again then. That part of his skin that’s supposed to allow him to feel pleasure, not pain! How terrible is this??? I did not disclose to him until recently when he told me this. It’s been a few months. Back when the tragedies happened I had NO idea how to act... I thought he would need my consoling as a friend because of the loss of his mother instead of getting disgusted by me, I thought he was going to leave anyway because we’d only ever been on a few dates and I’m better off not leaving a bitter memory for him... NONE of these is a valid reason for lying to him for months, I know! But my mind was fogged totally. Things are stable now, he can talk about his mom without crying, he can look me in the eye in spite of knowing what I have done, and after all this sh*t he’s not bothered by insignificant issues anymore he said. It’s terrible and painful and a prison mentally, but things are stable now. So I just wanted to get the nastiest part off my chest. I feel like a murderer. I believe this is how someone who hits a person with their car by accident probably feels too. I am not a person who wishes bad upon anyone, but if Karma ever comes for the person who infected me (later turned out, knowing damn well he had the virus since decades, and probably thinking he can make me stay with him by giving it to me)... it definitely won’t be pretty, and I won’t even feel sorry if I learn about it via gossip or something. I was 21 years old, it had not even been a whole year since losing my virginity, and he was around 50 but lying about his age. Not that it matters. But imagining how many women have gotten the virus from him over his life... I want to vomit at the thought.

I had my annual blood test done this week. My mother passed from cancer and I like to check how my body is doing every once in a while to avoid being too late to act if I were to be ill. My doc was happy about my results, because they were in the optimal range, but I wasn’t happy at all. I have noticed some really minor things but I am worried it might get more serious. I was a little bit low on vit B because of not eating meat but I take supplements for that, it’s okay. But one of my liver enzymes’ level was very slightly elevated. I’m on suppressive therapy but I’m not too consistent with it, I usually take 400 or 800 mg of acyclovir a day (1 or 2 tablets) but I sometimes forget to take it at all. I am not on any other medication: no hormonal birth control, I literally never take painkillers even if I have a headache... I wonder why this is. Is there any natural remedy that helps me liver do the work of getting rid of unnecessary stuff and meds in my system? There are some detox herbal teas available but I don’t know if they are right for me now. Should I just completely avoid acyclovir for a period of time? Will an outbreak put too much stress on my body or are the meds worse?

@Victory_in_Defeat Thank you for your comment! It was very inspiring to read, really. I appreciate this mindset! I know I did not end his chances for happiness but I also know for a fact that I broke his spirit. (This breaks mine too!) And as long as he feels broken he will feel like his life is over! So I pray for him to recover. I’m a pantheist, life and nature are my religion, I feel there is hope in every heartbeat and every sunrise, etc. May sound overly romantic but I really do think this way. So I really hope that every single walk he takes makes him feel more and more free, every meal he eats helps his immune system get even stronger than it already is, etc.

Sorry if TMI. Since I’ve had H all the sensitive parts of my skin “under the belt” have been problematic. The way my vagina reacts to the virus when it tries to cause an outbreak is messing up the ph balance, that I try to fix with a good intimate wash (on the outside) that has lactic acid in it. And the skin around my anus has been more prone to irritation and tearing, some of the virus most probably got there as well. It’s really embarrassing and annoying because even if I eat enough fibre etc. sometimes I still feel a vein protruding and sometimes I even bleed when going to the toilet. There are herbal extract pills that help strengthen veins (diosmin + hesperidin), I take a low dose alongside my vitamins every day and it really helps, but this still bothers me mentally. Can H really be the cause? If so, how to prevent this?

I didn’t disclose to someone I was with. Long story. I did not really consent to ending up not using a condom but neither did I have the guts to tell him anything so yeah. Later turned out I was his first, he never had time and energy (and maybe courage) to actually date, because of having to work double shifts to raise his two siblings alone. He always planned on becoming an emotionally and financially stable gentleman, and his only hobby/joy was having a lot of female friends and collecting phone numbers, before he met me. (He has told me this.) Now he’s not free anymore to chat up just anyone and bring them to his place for the night, even if using protection, of course. He has fought to be brave and sexy and stable and now he’s a possible risk to every hot and sweet woman’s health that he meets. Actually we are together (16 months) but in theory we have talked about separating and I kinda want it to become a reality because I can feel how the situation and the past is suffocating his passion and the bit of self respect I still have. I only recently came to terms with wtf has happened to me, I got H from an assault and I was in denial, so after lying to him and myself for a year I told him everything a few weeks ago. I know, I should burn in hell probably. Anyway. I’m crying daily because of, without exagerration, having F***ED UP a human life. Or two, mine included. It is eating me up alive. The damage I have done is irreversible. And my emotional pain is worse than any physical symptom. I want to feel okay again. Really, not “like a great human being”, or “ready to date and seduce to the fullest”, or any sh*t like that just OKAY. That’s enough for me to fuction and to do good in the world. I know I do not deserve it but neither did I deserve to get infected by a creep at 21 years old so I just don’t give a f***. Ending my life is no option so getting the control over it back is what’s left to do. I really hope that ONE day, SOMETIME, I will wake up guilt free, virus free, his scars will have healed and I will be forgotten to the extenct that’s best for us.

@Amando I did not disclose, I literally felt like this can’t be reality. I should’ve gone to therapy to deal with this but too late now... (In therapy right now but that won’t heal his scars etc.) @CMB11 You’re certainly right. We used a condom but it didn’t feel good for him so he took it off. (And my dumb ass let him.) So it’s KIND OF a shared responsiblity (well, more mine than his but hey... protection IS important NO matter what). But actually I was his first. We are both in our early 20s, he’s a hardworking dude who did double shifts to help his youngers siblings live well (parents have died already), not much time for dating... and he was lacking confidence because of not being experience so he would get rejected often as well, even though he IS a great guy and goodlooking too... So yeah, I have a sh*tton of regrets. You can imagine. The frustration and everything.

Hey. You are awesome for doing the right thing and having the courage! Congratulations on disclosing to him. Cliche, I know, but someone WILL come along and treat you the way you deserve. Please stay honest, and try to keep calm as much as possible in times of sadness. All the best to you (from another lady with H)

I got H from an abusive person and was in shock and denial about it. I infected a guy I dated. Long story short, we’ve been together for a longer while now. And it’s terrible, we drift apart every time any symptoms resurface, then make up, then get excited about it and it the stress makes it start all over again. I don’t know how to handle it gracefully. I want to keep my cool instead of further ruining everything by being upset about it everytime, but that seems rude and insensitive. Also fake because obviously I am upset, I have f*cked up not only one but two lives! Let alone the chance for who knows how many relationships... This one which could have been good if not for H, and every one he could have had without a fear of having to disclose beforehand. As to me, I don’t really want to date if we don’t work out. I genuinely don’t. Help me get out of this miserable mind loop! I need to find a good doc too. Damn it.

@mr_hopp A little over 1 year.

I’m a young woman. I always have symptoms even though my immune system is not weak. I’m resistant to every illness, I never catch a cold, etc. but alway suffer from H. What can I do? Is it because of hormone changes during my cycle? Any man had any similar experience???

In a relationship, both HSV positive. One of us caught it from the other so it’s the very same kind of virus. I understand that viral shedding is more severe during outbreaks, but can it cause an outbreak in the other person if we have unprotected sex? I’m under a lot of stress at work so my immune system is weaker than his, I have outbreaks more often but I don’t want him to miss out on sex (also I don’t want to miss out either). One time he felt irritation on his skin after trying, so it’s probably not a good idea. But maybe it was for other reasons, bodies are complex things. What’s your experience?

I stayed in contact with someone I didn’t disclose to. He’s having complications because of the virus, he needs to get circumised because his wounds healed imperfectly, making his foreskin have scars on it and it’s now too tight to be pulled back properly, it became too small. It’s like hell. I want to kill myself. I of course wouldn’t really do it but gosh darn it, I’m devastated and I can only imagine how he feels. I was in emotional shock after my diagnosis, I literally refused to understand that it’s incurable, I was in denial as if I was grieving. I should’ve gone to a therapist but I had no one to be there for me. I live alone, no friend is close enough to me to ask for advice, I was just suffering trying to cope, no one pushed me outta that depression and took me to a therapist. Whatever. I was drunk, tired, and sad when I hooked up with this guy. After a decend date and having some wine he got really wild and kissed me even tho I wasn’t interested in getting physical on a first date. It was late, I felt robbed of my dignity, I was reminded of the guy whom I caught the virus from in a non consensual encounter... My brain and willpower was way too weak to say anything. We started with some oral sex which could’ve been okay by me, I would’ve just thought of it as a bad one night stand, but he then proceeded to actually have penis-to-vagina contact and I felt totally lost. He didn’t date-rape me, and I didn’t lie to him. It was just a very unlucky way of things happening. A series of things happening the wrong way. Anyway, I’m so sad I don’t think I’ll ever be okay. Thanks for reading this sh*t.

Please, share every bit of info. Any therapy other than standard acyclovir is very welcome! Herbs, ointments, baths, articles, experiments, antiviral shots, immune system strenghtening drugs and foods... Thank you a lot.

Long story short, I’m a 20something girl, and a guy the same age, who’s very close to me, caught herpes. I want to help him all possible ways. All his life he wanted to date non-stop, he’s been collecting girl’s snapchat names for years, but he only recently started to actually date, he finally doesn’t work night shifts so his dating life only recently set off full speed. However, the virus makes the random hookups borderline impossible. There is no “Oh hey, hottie over there! Let’s get away to a quieter place, hmmm?” anymore. He feels that he lost all his charisma and been depressed since the diagnosis. He says all his energy and attractiveness is gone forever. He would consider suicide if it wasn’t for his family and for the possibility of a new medicine being discovered. How the f*ck can I help him, I’m desperate...

I’m frustrated because either me or my partner always has an outbreak. I know we have to stay away from sex at that time, but it makes it difficult for us to be intimate as often as we’d like. I often think that he would be better off with a healthy girlfriend who would be willing to take the risk of getting HSV if the condom breaks... you know, that way he would have as much sex as he wants, except for when HE has an outbreak. So much easier... Damn virus.

Yay for health care in my home country... They failed to diagnose me, went home thinking I had a bacterial infection. Months later I met a guy, after many weeks of dating and having protected sex we decided to ditch the condoms. I was his first girl, he had just moved into his own appartment away from his difficult family and finally had a chance to bring a girl to the crib, stress free. I trust him, he says he was a virgin so he was a virgin. It was obvious he was clean, and there was I thinking I was too. We had sex, few days later he fell ill, went to doc, was diagnosed with herpes. I went to another doc, too, then I got the diagnosis as well. I hate myself utterly. How unlucky does a guy have to be to catch an incurable STD from the first girl he ever bedded? We've been together since, for a mix of reasons... he likes me as a person because I'm very outgoing, and because he's afraid of having THE TALK with any other outgoing sexy girl he would want to be with. I'm devastated, even tho it's been months now. I'm so damned sorry about it all. And I haven't even mentioned yet that the only time (besides with him) that I had unprotected sex was with a guy who assaulted me... I am pretty sure I got it from him because once, after the assault, that stupid toad met me accidentally on the street, and started bragging me about how strong he is and how he can survive any nasty illness... I would drown him in a glass of water if I could.

There are some stubborn itchy spots that are first to appear and last to disappear when I have an outbreak. Not really sores, thank Gosh... But it annoys me! Sometimes they are still there between outbreaks too. Acyclovir only seems to have a mild effect on them, they often won't go away... -.-