lovinglife

As long as you disclosed to him and were honest, you have nothing to feel guilty about. He made the decision to be with you because you were more important to him than the risk. He knew what he was getting into. He's an adult and made that choice. Also, you have been living with herpes and while you may not prefer to have it, you've been fine, right? If he has it, he'll be fine too. Don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't choose to get it and you didn't choose to give it to him.

@Barbie0705 He should get tested and yes, most likely he will test positive since it sounds like you definitely got it from him.

@depressedhippo Thanks for the response, I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling a lot like me. I also spent a week barely getting out of bed and barely eating. I lost I don't know how many pounds in a short amount of time, and it's funny because people are complimenting me on how I look. If only they knew why. I'm especially sorry to hear you've gotten to the point of contemplating suicide. As I mentioned in my post, it has been on my mind as well, though I have not gotten to the point of seriously taking it into consideration at this point. If you do get to that point, I hope you reach out for help before making any decisions. To be honest I actually called a suicide hotline last week. Not because I was on the verge of killing myself but because I was desperate and didn't want to get to that point. It actually helped. Also, something I heard once about suicide that helped me is that it's always going to be an option. You can always turn to it later. But maybe try getting through just one more week, one more day, or one more minute before you choose it. Another thing I heard that struck me is that suicide is like taking your own pain, multiplying it by 10, and spreading it to all the people around you. All it does is bring even more pain into the world. This diagnosis, although it feels devastating, is not worth losing our precious lives over. I have actually been with fewer than 10 partners and I am 31. So I really haven't been with many. I did not always use condoms, as mentioned, but I thought since I was in long-term relationships it was fine, which was not very smart. To be honest I also let myself be pressured by some guys, and was forced by two others. This is something else that's never talked about - the number of guys walking around there sleeping around with tons of girls and never using protection, pressuring girls into sleeping with them or into not using condoms. I think men have a huge responsibility to play in all this, and unfortunately we women are the ones left more susceptible to infection as well as heartbreak. I'm so sorry to hear as well that you were raped. I know how incredibly violating and traumatizing it can be on so many levels. Unfortunately it is more common than many think. Sending you love. <3 By the way, you will absolutely be able to have children and in fact most women with herpes are able to have a vaginal birth (if not, it's not the end of the world - many, many children are born by C-section, including myself, and turn out just fine!). Go watch the interview with Dr. Sheila Loanzon by Dr. Kelly Schuh. Both have herpes - Dr. Loanzon is an OB-GYN and talks about how like 99% of the herpes+ women she's delivered have been vaginal. This is our new reality. We have to accept it or we cannot move forward. Thankfully, it is not the end of the world and we CAN make an effort to help educate people and eliminate the stigma. Stop researching online, step back and do something you enjoy. Watch something that will make you laugh. Focus on this present moment. It is a gift and we can never get it back. Stay strong, friend. We're here and listening. Thank you, and right back at you! Life is never going to be perfect and everyone has some cross to bear. This diagnosis just goes to show that you never really know what's going on with someone, no matter how normal or happy they might look on the outside. We can't always control what happens to us, but we can control how we react and respond to it. We have a choice to let this ruin our lives or to let it propel us to be even better, stronger, wiser people. Easier said than done, but it is possible and others have done it. Sending you all the love and good vibes. We'll get through it together!

Thanks @happyman_adventurous! I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my story, and for your encouragement. I hope one day I can change my own perception and feel the same way you do. It will be a process. I'm still struggling a lot right now but people like you help a lot. Also, you are totally right about negative thoughts interfering more in a relationship than the virus itself - that is exactly what's happening with my current partner (whom I might have gotten it from, but we can't be sure). He is not bothered at all by the virus but my depression is affecting both of us. I'm trying hard to get better. Again, thanks for the comment. Best to you.

Thanks, it does sound outbreaks do not all look the same. Who knows, I guess. Like you said there's not much use dwelling. Appreciate the comment.

Hey that is great that you haven't had another outbreak. When you say your ex didn't believe you, what do you mean? He didn't believe you have herpes? Is he the one you think you got it from? At the end of the day if he is in denial, there is not much you can do about it. This is not something most people would want to tell someone if it wasn't true. I'm sorry that he did not believe you or give you any support. As for acceptance, I'm newly diagnosed and working on it too. I'm mostly reminding myself that there is nothing I can do to change the past or my status, and the only thing I have control over is how I move forward. I will have herpes no matter what. But I can have herpes and be miserable, ashamed, angry, and fearful, or I can have herpes and be accepting, loving, and hopeful. It's not easy but just believe that it is POSSIBLE to feel better, including by looking at all the people living great lives and feeling good about themselves despite herpes, and start there.

Thanks for sharing, reading these stories really helps

I'm having ongoing itching/tingling after my first outbreak and am wondering (slash freaking out) about it as well. Like, is it ever going to go away? Is this going to be constant? Hoping for answers...

I also had no idea I could get it months after being with a partner...figured if I was going to get something I would have gotten from the get-go, so I felt safe. Realize now that was totally wrong. Then I thought maybe he cheated on me, but I really don't think he did. It's just a shit situation.

I'm in the same situation. The guy I'm sure I got it from has no symptoms and never has, other than what we think were cold sores on his mouth when he was a kid. I asked him to get tested once we started getting intimate and everything was negative. Our sex education is no better in the US, it's awful and feels like such a betrayal.

@Leo, I am feeling similar after being diagnosed about a month ago. Like I will never be exactly the same person I used to be, just a lesser version. At the same time logically I understand that it's ridiculous to let this condition change our perception of ourselves. I have hope that with time I will be able to shift my mindset and see this as not a big deal that has no reflection on who I am as a person or on my worth, and I hope that for you too. As for your negative test result, you could have genital HSV-1, so if you were only tested for 2, that could be why. Also, I read that there is actually a 30% chance for false negatives, not 5%. Plus, it can take around 3 months for the antibodies to build up enough in your body to show up on the test. In other words, especially if you're still having symptoms, you might want to get tested again and make sure you're getting tested for both strains.

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through, but know that you are not alone, there are so many of us here going through the same struggles, somehow we'll get through it together, keep your head up

It's been about a month since my diagnosis and most days it's all I can think about. I keep obsessing about it and my mind is just stuck in this negative loop, and every time I try to move on and distract myself by doing or thinking about something else, it just comes back, and every time I think I've gotten to a place where I might be able to feel ok with it, the grief and devastation return. How do you turn off this endless loop? How do you stop thinking about it at every turn? How does everything you encounter stop being a reminder (especially when experiencing ongoing itching/tingling)? I feel like the mental burden of this is already starting to ruin my life, and it's only been a month. I've been trying to read and watch all the positive content out there, but nothing seems to work. I just feel like my life is fucking destroyed. I know I made my username "lovinglife" haha but really that was just to try to convince myself of something I'm really not feeling right now. In reality it feels like life could not be much worse.

@Abby137025 So it took about 6 weeks for all your symptoms to go away? And you said around 3 weeks after your outbreak healed? I just want to know there is hope that mine will get getter even though it's been about 4 weeks now of symptoms, 2 weeks since the outbreak healed... :(

Thanks for sharing your positivity, it helps to see others being able to be ok with it. Gives me hope.