[How can I deal with the shock/anxiety? (Second genital HSV1 outbreak)]

HI there.  No judgement, but have you disclosed to your partner?

[How to feel slightly normal now?]

Dear one,

  It is understandable that you are having a difficult time.  Read up on all the FACTS here, read the success stories, the failures, engage with this community.  YOU ARE NOT GROSS.  You are one of a huge population of this world who has a simple skin condition.  Your body is amazing, and already trying to figure out how to keep you and potential partners safe.  It's not the easiest road, but it's a road you can travel  with a group here ready to be at your side- and like you said, a group in your day to day life that has been understanding.  Bath at random and with vigor(well, gently if you are going through an outbreak, just because agitating the area can be uncomfortable), You, your body and your life are valuable, and the first and most important person to know that is YOU.  I promise that those of us who are worthy of being in your space will know that too.

 

Cheers

K

[Sunlight and Herpes]

Just wanted to say, I am HSV1 pos, usually oral.  Strong sun can cause my symptoms to start to rise up- but when I say strong sun, I mean when I am on vacation sitting on the beach for HOURS in direct sun. Firstly, that is not good in general- wear sunscreen people!  Using an SPF 50 chap stick on my lips(and down a little as my ob's tend to crop up between my chin and lip)  repeatedly throughout my exposure stopped the feelings of symptoms.  Wherever you are prone to the OB, take extra care of...and if it's a genital(or other non-exposed area) use and reuse proper sunscreen at all times. Also good to fight skin cancer which is on the rise.    Otherwise, some time daily to absorb some vitamin D is good for the immune system.  Just do it safely.

[Scared and distraught about not knowing and need help]

Hey NaturalYam,

  You are tugging my heartstrings here...your post sounds so panicked, and I don't know that I can really alleviate your fears...only time and testing can tell you what you are really dealing with.  However, I want you to know you are not alone with what you are dealing with.  You're doing the right thing- getting tested, researching, and making sure you know the realities of herpes or any STI. Please please remember that there is a huge support group here and life keeps going on and even with a positive diagnosis it can go on spectacularly.  And it does.  We all carry on large, fulfilling, sexual, productive lives.  If necessary, we can help you realize that future.  We are all here for you.  Just reach out if needed.

[I need help.]

@WhenInRome

  Please, try to keep your stress levels down.  As I explained in a different post,  when I was 23 I had a man disclose to me.  I went on to sex the shit out of him for five years and never contracted it.  I did contract later, about five years after him, but...OH WELL.  Please, PLEASE all of you do the research, read all the available info on this site and take deep breaths and realize that you are going to be just fine.  Huge support group here.  

  I will say I worry a little at your statement that you did not want to receive the oral sex in the first place.  I have also traveled overseas and have experienced a more sexually open culture than I was used to, so I understand your feeling of pressure.  That being said, I am very sorry that you had an encounter like this. It's not well talked about, but so many men have been victims of sexual abuse/pressure/intimidation or just flat out aggression.  The world has not quite caught up yet on the fact that women are just as easily unwanted aggressors, and men can be victims. 

If I can help you at all, please feel free to reach out.

 

Cheers, it will get better!

[How to let go of anger?]

@Gina99

  I have no idea who transmitted H to me.  As I'm sure you've read, people can be asymptomatic for years and have no idea they are carriers.  Furthermore, I'm sure you've read the stats on just how prevalent the virus is in the world.  

  That being said-  the first year is the hardest.  For the stigma, the outbreaks, the realigning to this new reality.  Your body is going through an amazing flux right now as it learns how to fight against the virus.  It gets better. Keep yourself as healthy as you can, let your body do what it does naturally, and I will always recommend looking into the vitamin L-lysine.  

 

  When I was diagnosed, I thought it had to be this one man.  The more I researched, I realized that may not be the case.  The way dormancy works with this virus it's difficult to be sure.  And then...one day....after a few weeks of crying and despair....I realized it does not matter.  Not one bit.  It doesn't change what we deal with now, it doesn't change the people we are at our core, and certainly blame does not help anyone in any situation.  

 

So, yes- for me it went away.  Holding on to any resentments, feelings of shame or guilt or remorse for whatever happened that led to this-  OH WELL.  

I know it's hard, but it WILL GET BETTER.  It matters more how one moves forward, than focusing on the what-ifs from the past.

If I can be of any help, please don't hesitate to reach out.

 

Cheers!

[What is the likelihood of transmission?? Telling someone]

@lucydaisy

 

Hey there.  You can find a ton of info on transmission rates, but you are looking at roughly 1-2% transmission rates to a male when antivirals and condoms are used.  That study followed discordant couples over the span of a year averaging I believe sex two times a week when no symptoms were present.  The risk is quite low.

 

  As for the timing, it is different for everyone depending on the nature of the relationship they are pursuing.  Disclosing is very important, but it's also very important for you to know all the facts regarding this skin condition. 

 

  And mostly, it is very important that you know how valuable you are-  your time, your attentions, your affections and your worthiness are of the utmost importance here.  The first disclosure can be tough,  and the only vital timing issue is that you do it prior to sexual contact.  

 

  If you're thinking that the third date(ish) is the time line that may prove to lead to that kind of intimacy, perhaps you could arrange it so that nearer to the end of the date(before the "sleepover" begins) you could find yourself in what you feel is a safe space for you to bring it up.  Perhaps it's a quiet corner of your favorite pub,  maybe you want to take a nice evening stroll before heading home,  or anywhere where you feel like the strong, confident and worthy woman you most certainly are.  I by all means recommend reading some of the successful disclosure posts on this site.

 

Good luck, and feel free to message me if I can be of any help!

 

Cheers!

[The other side- being disclosed to-]

Hello all!

 

  I am hsv-1 positive(about 8 years in), and have been reading this site for quite awhile now.  I've responded to some posts, but as I've been browsing I realized that there are few stories out there about how it feels to be the one being disclosed to.  So, here we go-

 

Though I am now hsv-1 positive, I did not contract it til I was around 30 years old(I am currently 38).  The story I want to tell you occurred when I was 23.

 

  I met a man. He was a bit older(15 years my senior to be precise) and was hilarious.  Told the best stories and was just the light and life in a room.  At 23 I'd had one partner at 17 that was my high school sweetheart, and when I say "partner" I mean he thrust once and I kinda freaked out as I wasn't ready.  That was it.  He was awesome and completely understanding.  Fast forward to 21, met someone else amazing and had an actual healthy sex life.  When that ended, got tested(fully) clear...and then came the older man.  The details are not important- but here is what is...

 

  After a few weeks of flirting, bumping into each other at the same places and gravitating to one another, and random phone calls/text messages(and maybe two stolen kisses), he disclosed.  Rapidly, out of nowhere, and with no hesitation or shame.  He told me as we were driving over to his house to see his dog-  I wanted to meet her.  It came out so casually, with such matter-of-factness that I barely registered at first what he said.  We continued to his house, I played with his Jack Russel terrier(to this day one of the best dogs I've ever met), and told him I'd have to think about it.  He was cool.

 

  I thought less than a day.  Did some quick research, but really, I was falling for this guy and the risk to me was minimal.  He took antivirals, we used condoms, and avoided contact during an outbreak.  We stayed together for 5 years.  FIVE.  Plenty of good sexual contact.  I NEVER CONTRACTED FROM HIM.  I knew my risks and also knew intimacy with him was totally worth it.  We ended up splitting for reasons that had nothing to due with the condition, just more about how we saw the future shaping up.  To this day, we are in loose contact, and he is one of the best men I've ever known.  I do not regret exposing myself to the virus, just as I have no regrets about however I came to be infected over five years later.  In fact, I reached out to him to ask how he'd gotten so confident at disclosing.  

 

  I don't want to come off as arrogant or conceited, but at that time he was certainly not my only "option" or interested person.  There was no shortage of interested parties(I was a bartender at the time, so by default I was the "catch" as I was always considered "unattainable")  

 

My point in sharing this story, especially to all of you who are dealing with this in your late teens/early 20's...is that you are by no means out of the sexually exploratory time in your life.  Even if I wasn't certain about seeing a future with my older man, I would have done it anyway.  This is just a goddamned skin condition that has a bad rap.  Any hsv disclosure to me at any time in my twenties would never have been a deal breaker.  Getting it later...well, OH WELL.  You all have read the numbers here. It's not that big of a deal.  Uncomfortable sometimes in practice and in body, yes.  But not life threatening, should't be life changing, and just a chance to be more honest and open with yourself as well as those you deem worthy of getting closer to.

 

Cheers, and thanks for reading!

[Abnormal Pap told the truth]

@SeraLyn  You are very welcome.  You will absolutely engage in healthy sexual relationships again;  this just makes you more aware of how to be healthy yourself, and how to be very open and honest with potential new partners.  I'm sure you've read all the stats-  although the risk is always there, so many people are already carriers, and there are multiple ways to protect the people you chose to let in your life.  If you ever want to talk more, please feel free to message me.  I'm no expert, but I'm a good listener 🙂  And I may be able to answer some of those questions you may have.

 

  And by all means, if you have the time/ability- start that local group or join.  The stigma and unawareness about H is what causes so many to have such a hard time.  And anything done in the services of others fills the heart.

 

Cheers!

[What do I do now]

Hey there-

  I'm sorry you are going through this.  It's tough.  By the time I am replying I have to assume you have gone to see your friend; I hope that things worked out ok.  First question is the obvious one-  have you spoken to your doctor about your OBs?   If there is more you'd like to talk about, there is a huge support group here.  

[First time having herpes]

Hello Lily and Shari-

  First of all, I applaud you both for being brave and reaching out to other people about what you are going through.  It is not easy, but here you will find support and understanding.  

 Please, look up the numbers and statistics on the vast amount of people who have hsv1 and hsv2.  I'm not saying that you won't have some difficult challenges to face moving forward.  However, this is really, at it's core, just a skin condition.  Disclosure to a new partner will be difficult the first time, but it gets easier.  

  Speak with your doctor, your sister, us here, any support you can find.  Get the facts about this virus.  Meditation, yoga,  anything that relaxes you is a great thing.  As for natural remedies, I've had luck taking L-lysine.  Again, talk with your doctors.

  There is a huge support group here.  Good luck, and don't forget we're here for you at all times.

 

Cheers!

 

[new dx & in an open relationship]

Hey there-

I do not think that you need to take on more blame in this situation.  Consider the staggering numbers of people that are HSV1 positive, have never had an outbreak and yet can absolutely still pass on the virus- how can one be absolutely protected against that?  As social creatures who show affection physically, there is very little we can do even with the best intentions.

  I am hsv1 positive, and have been for years.  To this day, I could not tell you how I contracted it.  At the time there was no one in my life who presented with cold sores that I was at all physically involved with-  it could have been a chaste kiss between myself and a friend as we said goodbye one day-  it could have been the guy that stole a kiss out at a club one night.  Whomever it was, I bear them no ill will, especially considering the high probability that they had no idea.  

  Your primary partner's reaction is not exactly unusual, but again, given the high numbers of both hsv1 and hsv2 infections that are asymptomatic in a huge portion of the population I would recommend that he(and you) do more research on herpes and talk to your doctors.  Obviously being supportive through his range of emotions is important-  just as it is equally important that he be open and honest and supportive of you as well. You've found a great resource by coming to this site, I encourage you to use it.  

I wish you luck, and remember that there are many, many people here to help support you.  Cheers!

   

[Abnormal Pap told the truth]

Beautifully written Sera!  Though I'm sorry you have had to face this, it sounds like you are coping admirably, and can see the big picture that this is just a skin condition and not some life-ending diagnosis.  I wish you well with grad school and everything your future promises!  As for your one other person-  good luck with the disclosure, but it sounds like you've got this well handled.  Stay you and stay strong!  Cheers!