Alissa

I want to tell you my story on how herpes can be a blessing in disguise. Three years ago I was told I have H type 2, I was a complete wreck. I'm talking balling every night, dark dark thoughts type of wreck. I got it from my first sexual relationship, one I think back to and cringe not because of H but because of how mistreated I was through out its duration. I had no previous relationship to compare it to so I believed what we had was good (that's another part that makes me cringe). When I found out I had H, after having a horrifically painful first OB, I immediately called the guy. After getting the news he went MIA. Never saw him again. This may sound crazy to the newly diagnosed but I am so thankful. If this hadn't happened I may still have been with this guy, who I later found out had been cheating on me. Worst of all if not for H I may not have had the courage to move away from home and I may have never met the absolutely incredible man i'm with today. The man that opened my eyes to what a real, healthy, beautiful, crazy in love relationship is..... I was hesitant to even go on a first date with him, he was adorable, an absolute hunk, a sweet heart but he was also a co-worker - and I have herpes. Eventually I took the plunge and I'm so glad I did, it was the best date ever. By the end of it I had that fairytale he's THE one feeling. Though emotionally it wasn't an easy road because of how much pressure and weight I let H put on me. As the relationship progressed I knew a disclosure was approaching. This terrified me, so much so that I dreaded hanging out even though I desperately wanted to see him it made me feel sick to my stomach at the same time. It became such an issue in my head that I started to try and convince myself that I didn't like him. I was letting my fear of rejection and heart break prevent me from forming a deep connection. When I had i love you thoughts I would immediately follow them with negative thoughts and tried to cook up reasons why I didn't like him. I didn't even have any reasons besides, "I just don't, I don't need a man and I can be alone forever." This fear let me weed out prior dates, those ones always had legitimate reasons for me to leave or the guy would leave after I refuse to have sex after a few dates. In those cases H let me fend off the guys that were not looking for the same kind of a relationship as me. However, this guy was different, it had been 3 months and I had nothing bad to say, nor did he get fed up with me for not having sex. Then the fateful day came when we had the Boyfriend/Girlfriend talk. I said yes, but I felt so guilty because we hadn't had the disclosure talk yet. I had tried to get it out numerous times, I had practiced it almost everyday, but I was so scared. Then a few weeks later we took a road trip to a beautiful National Park. I knew it was time to disclose, and by this point I felt so comfortable and confident in us that my heart told me he would be okay with it. The first night passed and I couldn't bring myself to do it. The second night was like a scene out of a movie, I can't possibly do it justice. We could't find any vacant camp sites in the national park so we decided to drive out of it and camp in a random location in the woods. We didn't realize but we took the wrong road, and ended up in a completely different province, one I had been dreaming of going to. As if that wasn't exciting enough we stumbled upon a magnificent waterfall! We pulled off the road and hiked into get a better look at the stunning view. There we stood in the forest looking up at the beautiful falls, he pulled me in for a hug and held me tight, then whispered "I love you". I said it back, I'd felt that way for so long but neither of us had said it yet. It was amazing to finally say it, but at the same time that pitt in my stomach set in, "I am madly in love with this man, and he loves me to, but I haven't told him yet". I felt like I had manipulated and lied to him for letting it get this far emotionally and not disclosing. I knew I had to do it. We pitched a tent right near the falls and it was amazing curled up together in such a breathtaking place. He went to turn off the light but I stopped him. I wanted to see his face while I disclosed. I said, "I feel really, really good about us." He agreed. I continued, "I want to take this to the next step but first there is something I want to talk to you about." He looked inquisitive. I asked if he'd ever been tested and he said no. I continued, "okay, well 2 years ago I found out I have herpes. I don't know how much you know about it but it's actually very common". He listened intently as I gave him all the stats I had rigorously studied from Adrial's disclosure sheets. He asked a few questions and by the end he said, "Well, that doesn't sound bad at all". It was a good night :) So to anyone currently struggling to realize your self worth living with H I want you to know how valuable you are. I was abstinent for 2 years. I didn't feel any man would want me since I was "tainted" in my own eyes. I thought I'd never experience a deep love because of H. Adrail and all the others here always say how H doesn't change your value as a person and its completely true. H helped me postpone sex with this amazing man, so that I knew he valued ME and not my body. He genuinely liked hanging out with me. We learned how well our personalities meshed without the attachment hormones of sex distorting feelings. H helped me find exactly what I was looking for. However, I don't advise waiting as long as I did. While H has the power to help you form a deeper emotional connection unrelated to sex, being vulnerable and sexual passion is a significant part of forming a deeper connection outside of sex. I feel that withholding my disclosure and sex was almost beginning to threaten everything we had. He had been extremely patient with me but it was evident that after almost 4 months of being so patient he was becoming antsy, especially since our relationship was going so well. My fear was tearing me apart inside throughout that time. It made me question my feelings and almost made me walk away from something so amazing. My advice to anyone dealing with a disclosure is that you will know when you need to do it, you will feel it inside. Practice your talk, tell it to friends if you can. I practiced it out loud when ever I was home alone. I practiced by talking to doctors about it just to get more comfortable saying I have it. Wait until your somewhat comfortable saying it but if you get to the point where its effecting your relationship with the person you need to go ahead and do it, or evaluate if you really want to take it to that step. The good thing about H is that it can let you step back and rationally look at where a relationship is because it requires even more vulnerability to take that next step. Should the person not be comfortable with it then it just wasn't meant to be, and someone else is out there for you. Secondly, realize H doesn't define you. You have a personality and talents and those are the things that make you who you, you. I am happy with who I am as a person, and herpes can no longer make me feel otherwise, and it shouldn't for anyone else either. It took H for me to realize who I am as a person and how much I have to offer a man besides my appearance and my body. I took 2 years away from sex and I focused on me, what kind of a person I was and what I wanted to improve to become a better person. It was the healthiest thing I could have done. Whether you have H or not you have to realize how amazing you are before you can truly let anyone else into your life to see these amazing parts of you. I've never felt such good communication and connectivity with another person prior to this relationship and the disclosure. I am so thankful to have learned this and to have found my THE ONE. It's been a year and a half and many more to come. :)

Thank you!! You've helped so much with making me feel better about everything! Things are quickly getting more serious with him and I. I've started planning out how I will disclose and what to say, it feels great to be prepared for that moment. I haven't decided when it will be, I'm just going to wait for when the moment feels right and it's a casual transition. This will definitely help me have a relaxed conversation and hopefully he'll react as calmly as myself. @WCSDancer2010

@WCSDancer2010 @victoriaxxx Thanks both so much I read this a while back and read Herrytheherp's posts and they really cheered me up. I always believed that when you're truly happy with yourself, and not looking for a relationship you always end up finding someone great. A few weeks after this post and feeling great about myself again I met a boy. He's unbelievably nice and it's crazy how much we have in common. Our first date was phenomenal I've never talked to a guy so deeply before. We've been on two amazing dates and the last one we ended up having an intense make out. I can already tell I'm really falling for him hard. The sad thing is now i'm terrified. I find myself randomly having bouts of sadness where I just want to cry thinking, how in the world will I tell him about herpes? I want to tell him sooner rather than later because the more we hang out the more I like him and the more it will hurt if he leaves... but I also want to wait until there is a deep enough connection so he knows fully who I am and why I am worth being with. I know two dates is nothing, and I wouldn't tell him until things started feeling like we could be a serious couple, but the sexual chemistry is so intense when we're together. It scares me thinking about it. Sorry if this next part is too graphic but, when we were making out he started rubbing me over my pants... obviously I moved his hand because i'm not ready to go there and I need to talk with him. Then he said to me, "you're shaking?" ... I didn't even realize but apparently I was and it was probably because the entire time I was thinking about herpes and the fact that I'm this much closer to having the talk, and potentially being hurt by a guy again. I didn't realize I could be so giddy and so terrified at the same time. I really don't want to get hurt again. How were your first talks? What did you say, and how did they go?

I realized I'm in denial. I've had HSV-2 since september 2013, I was a complete wreck when I found out and for a while after. Most of my emotions stemmed from the guy who gave it to me, leaving me right after I told him I had gotten herpes. I went through some pretty low lows but finally I started to realize herpes isn't THAT big of a deal. It's about as serious as a pimple after a stressful exam season. I stopped really paying attention to my OB's after the second one since I'm single and not having sex. I know I've had a few OB's, but I refused to take a look to confirm them because whenever I know I have an OB I get so emotional. It brings back all the original bad emotions, and the fact that I already had one guy leave because of it (even though I got it from him). I now have another OB (confirmed this one), and it hit me.. the emotions. I realized I was riding the OB's through as a way to forget that I have HSV, and avoid the emotions. First, it concerns me that I have so many (probably about 5 since being diagnosed 4 months ago), because if I was to get into a serious relationship again, this frequency could put my partner at risk and would interfere with having an intimate relationship. My doctor said she can put me on daily meds for 6months if I had 6 or more outbreaks this year. This would only be for 6 months because the OB's are more frequent in the beginning. I'm not in a relationship, and the OB's are not super irritating physically, but they are emotionally. I don't know if I should use the meds as a scape goat. I want to try to stop this negative emotional connection to OB's but I'm not having success so far. Advice, thoughts, or anything would be so appreciated right now! Thanks

This is exactly what I need to read right now! I also creeped your other discussions, very uplifting to see the success you had with the talk!

Hey Valerie, I can really relate to a lot of this. I'm 21 and was diagnosed with HSV2 about a month ago. I went through all the same dark emotions. The guy I was seeing, who I'm pretty much certain gave it to me considering my sexual history, stopped talking to me after I told him the news. I'm not sure what you're relationship is like, but HSV opened my eyes to all the negatives in mine which I had blinded myself from. I'm growing to appreciate HSV for being the only thing that could shake me into reality. I was not being treated fairly, and now because of HSV I will be more aware of who I am giving my heart to. How is your relationship? Having had sex does not make you any less of a person. I was raised catholic and went to all catholic schools. I was always taught that I had to be abstinent. For a long time i thought that i would save myself for marriage, but somewhere along the line I changed my mind. Sex is in our nature, never feel dirty for it. Also never let someone else's believes effect how you value yourself. We don't all share the same beliefs and we don't have to, thats okay! We arn't all meant to follow the same path. What a boring world that would be! You have your own beliefs and values. We are all our own people, and you are old enough to make your own decisions. I'm sorry your Mom doesn't understand. Do not take it personally. That is her own belief, not yours. Sex being seen as dirty is just a social construct - "constructed", a choice of certain belief systems... you choose whether or not you want to take part in that construction. If you do that's cool, If not so what! It's your life, live it how you want. You're not a slut. Your not disgusting (how can a natural human act make someone disgusting?). You're not a virus, just like the material things we own don't make who we are as a person inside. Trust me you will find a million things to be happy about if you try to push aside those horrible thoughts for even just a minute. I was there, and while I'm still new at this and have bad days sometimes, I've come a lonnnnng way from where I started! You will to! :)

I love this! Everything happens for a reason :)

Carlos you are amazing! This couldn't be more true, and more uplifting! I've recently been diagnosed with hsv and i've been a million times harder on my appearance since. I've been nit picking at every little detail, feeling that if I don't surpass my figure goals I will never be worthy of any guys sexual attention again....but you're right, everything you said was so uplifting. We are sexual unconditionally. We are beautiful. Our bodies are amazing and we should appreciate all that they are and all that they do. We accept the love we think we deserve, so time to start loving every nook and cranny on our body and every quality that makes us unique.

I'm a 21 year old female from Toronto, Canada. I was diagnosed with HSV2 about a month ago and I would love to be able to talk with someone and support one another. I'm trying to stay positive, but I would love to have someone to help on the down moments (and vise versa). I would also love to hear stories of people who have found the "one" and gotten married with herpes. My biggest fear is that I'll be alone forever, I guess thats another thing that would be nice to talk with someone about.

I'm 21 and was diagnosed with hsv2 at the start of this month. I'm having a really hard time coping. I've only been with two guys, the first one was 3 years ago and we were both virgins and slept together once, and the most recent guy I had been with for this past year. I called the guy I had been seeing right after leaving the doctors office to tell him what I'd found out and that he should maybe go to a doctor as well. He went to multiple doctors all of which just looked at him and said he was fine. Now he doesn't seem to want talk to me anymore and I'm heart broken. I really liked him, and now I feel like damaged goods forever. Looking through forums has really helped, but I can't help but doubt I'll find a guy that will love me. I feel like my hopes to get married and have kids by my 30's are over. I'm really thankful for this site, since my diagnosis I've been on it a lot. I decided to get an account because I feel that socializing with others who also have hsv, and are emotionally healing will help me along the process as well. I just need people to talk to. I'm trying to be positive, but i'm having my second OB now and all the negative emotions came flooding back.