emily_bestrong

Thank you all for your support and I'm glad that my story was well received :) I hope it can serve as some hope for those of you worrying about whether or not someone will love you. THEY WILL. Continue on with your lives and be honest....nothing bad can come from honesty :)

I found out I had herpes in May 2012. I am not exactly sure where I contracted it or when, but when I realized I had sores down there I immediately went to my doctor. "It's herpes", she said with no doubt in her mind. Hearing those words, words I thought I would never have to hear, stung. My life would now include telling every partner about my "disgusting" and "embarrassing" condition. How could I possibly reveal such a thing? How would anyone ever accept me or love me again? A few weeks later I am working, bartending at the local hangout. A guy walks in that I had never seen around town before. Out of nowhere and completely out of my character, I introduce myself. His name is Mark and he has beautiful blue, honest eyes. Ironically, I run into him the next morning at a coffee shop. Numbers are exchanged and soon we are hanging out. I really like this guy, a lot. But, I constantly struggle just thinking about telling him that I have herpes. Weeks go by and we're taking it extremely slow: getting to know each other, laughing, exchanging stories, being outside....everything but sex. One night we end up watching a movie at his place and things start to escalate. He gets up to go grab a condom and I realize that this is it, this is the moment I have to tell him. I take a deep breath: "Wait....um, there's something I'd like to talk to you about", I said. "What is it?", he asked. "Well, I've been tested and I have something", I admit. "Okay, what is it?". "Well.... it's Herpes". We didn't have sex that night. But, weeks later we are still dating and my confession didn't seem to have any effect on his interest in me. He admits that typically he would have ran away, but he likes me enough to stick around and thinks I'm special enough to risk it. I can't believe what I am hearing....he's willing to risk his own health to be with me? He likes me that much? When we had sex for the first time I was a wreck. I couldn't fathom what it would feel like to pass this virus along. For me, herpes seemed constantly present, not only in my mind but on my body in a very mild way (red bumps, itching, leg pain but no open sores). For 5 months I had these consistent symtoms and I was terrified of having sex and possibly transferring herpes to this person that I am truly growing to love. We avoided having sex again for quite some time due to my fear of passing it along. We figured out other ways to enjoy each other but that was proving to be very difficult. We just wanted to make love. Eventually I realized that I just had to let go of my fear. If he was willing to take the risk with me, then I had to let him right? He knew what he was getting into by having sex with me so I told him that I was willing to do this if he was also willing. Sex became a regular thing and it was amazing. We were so incredibly happy to finally enjoy each other and decided that this was it, we wanted to spend our lives together. We're now planning on getting married next year and I am so incredibly happy to have found the love of my life. This morning we were in the shower and he tells me that he's been itching lately. I look down there and he has red bumps on the tip of his penis. He has herpes. He looks me in the eyes and says "I did this because I love you and you mean the world to me. I kind of feel relieved now. Now it doesn't matter anymore". This man willingly exposed himself to herpes. This man loves me so much that he contracted this virus and has accepted it. I am still in shock and can't believe how special this person is. Because of Herpes, we started communicating right from the beginning. Because of Herpes, we waited to have sex until we were completely ready. There's hope, everyone. There are people out there that realize what is important in life and clearly love is a lot more important than Herpes: a skin condition that affects 1 out of 4 people. A virus that for many people affected is basically non-existent. A condition that is horribly stigmatized and over exaggerated. A virus that can be treated by suppressive drugs. I love you all and hope that my story provides hope for the future. Get out there and continue on with your beautiful lives :) Love, Emily

Carlos, I love this! "Some people--in my opinion--waltz into our lives to teach us about uncompromising love for the self. These teachers, or 'givers', stir the muck within us, like stirring the clumps of sugar from the bottom of your cup of coffee; that stirrer is necessary, otherwise the muck remains stuck at the bottom (of our souls)." :-)

i'm going to try to work on my diet and see how that helps. you rock girl, i really admire your outlook :-) something i'm thinking of doing (emphasis on thinking)....is announcing/making it known that i have herpes. i am someone that blogs and i am an athlete that a lot of people follow online. i feel like if more of us just "came out", so to speak, the more we would be fighting the stigma and investing in the future of people with herpes. this is something that makes me really nervous and it's really just a thought right now, but i want to make a DIFFERENCE and assist in the education and awareness of the virus. i know i would probably get a lot of interesting responses and opinions, but i'm thinking that in the end it would be worth it. anyway! just a thought and wanted an opinion. let me know what you think.

Hi! I can relate to what you are feeling.....I am not experiencing dreams, but I can relate to the feeling of inferiority. When I look at other people with herpes who have chosen not to tell others about it, I feel like "well, why shouldn't everyone just live that way?" well....we COULD do that, but we've chosen to be honest and moral about passing a virus along. We've chosen the high road. The high road isn't necessarily easy, but it's the right one (in my opinion). Honesty is the best policy and with it you really can't go wrong. I recently started a new relationship with someone and had to disclose that I had herpes. I chose to tell this person because I grew to trust him and felt really comfortable with him....he has been BEYOND supportive and understanding and is helping me feel better about the whole thing. we're figuring out ways to enjoy eachother that don't always involve intercourse, and it's actually quite fun! I think the dreams are representing that you haven't completely forgiven your "giver", and that can take time. I'm not sure I've really forgiven mine completely, but what I like to do is take a step back and look at the situation from a birds eye view....this virus is SO common and it's how you CHOOSE to deal with it that shows your true character. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can figure out how to get this guy out of your head :) -emily

lelani, thanks SO much for your response. it really means a lot to have support and understanding. i am so glad to know that I am not alone in this and that there are so many beautiful people out there with this virus. it's crazy how on and off the sadness is....i'm hoping that will change with time (and i'm sure it will). it seems like i am having a constant outbreak....every time one seems to be over, small symtoms seem to suggest that i'm having another so i just keep taking the suppressive meds (1 or 2 per day). I am wondering if I should just test it and see what my body does without the meds? i'm afraid if my body gets used to them that when i stop taking them i'll just have outbreaks. should i let my own body take care of it, or use the meds? what did you do? my partner is REALLY understanding of the fact that I have herpes....and I feel so lucky for that. but, it's so nice to have this forum and people that are going through the same thing. i am also wondering if i should tell the person who gave it to me. we're friends on facebook and he keeps "liking" my stuff which is making it hard to forget about him/disregard him....i'm wondering if i should tell him. i guess the only reason i haven't is because i don't really want him to get defensive about it. but, my gut feeling is that he should know. anyway, i appreciate your advice and am so grateful for it! emily

Penelope, Thanks for taking the time to share your story. It feels good to just say it all, doesn't it? I've been suffering a lot lately and it's nice to read that I am not alone in that. A part of me hates that herpes happened to me, but a part of me is grateful because I am learning to be even stronger than I was before. I got herpes from a charismatic australian guy....all of my friends were jealous that I got to hook up with him, but if they knew what happened I'm sure they wouldn't be jealous anymore. A few days after sleeping with him I started to notice something was wrong and sure enough: herpes. I've never really felt such an onset of so many emotions: devastation, hurt, regret, anger, self hatred, hatred for him... I'm only a couple months into this and go back and forth from gratefulness and acceptance to depression and confusion. I've recently met someone and we've really hit it off. We've taken it really, really slow so far and one night when he wanted to have sex I had to tell him. I was SHOCKED at how well he took it. The fact that we had waited a long while to even consider having sex really created a great foundation, one based on real connection rather than sex. He's so into me that he doesn't care about the herpes. I mean, of course he wants to be safe but he's willing to take the risk. So, they are out there! I like to imagine myself in his position...what if I REALLY liked someone and they disclosed something like that? Would I run? Probably not if the person was special enough :) What I've found (and I'm no expert considering I'm so new at this whole herpes thing too), is that if you are honest with someone from the start about everything, you can't really go wrong. And if someone runs away, they clearly don't care enough to stay, and is that person really worth it anyway? Best of luck and if you ever want to talk, send me a message...I'm looking for some people to chat to about all this. Emily

About a month and a half ago I was diagnosed with Herpes. I slept with a guy passing through town and a few days later something weird was going on down there. My heart sank. My mind raced : "I should have been more careful, I shouldn't have slept with someone I hardly knew....how could he be so inconsiderate not to disclose?" After the initial shock and the end of my first outbreak I started to feel a lot better. I read a lot on this website, I talked with my close friends and I realized that this could actually be a blessing in disguise....I'm now much more aware of the importance of honesty, and if someone really wants to be with me they won't run away because of this. I felt so good up until now: my second outbreak. I started to notice some tingling but wasn't willing to accept that I'd be having another outbreak so soon. My hamstrings really hurt, and I kept making up excuses as to why they would be so sore. When the first lesion appeared, I almost had a meltdown. A part of me really wanted to believe that I would only have one outbreak (my sister has herpes and has only had one outbreak in her life). I guess my body is going to deal with this virus differently and I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I just want to feel okay with myself. It's so hard to feel okay when there are lesions down there and I feel like crap. My co-workers ask me what's wrong, how come I'm not my happy/bubbly self? But I can't tell them why. I need some advice, I can't help but feel dirty and gross. My partner knows I have the virus, but I don't want to talk about the outbreaks with him...it makes me feel so gross. I make up excuses as to why we can't fool around. I just....want to feel beautiful again. Emily

Ty, I am so grateful to have found what you wrote. I was recently diagnosed with herpes and am so glad to read such beautiful words reaffirming my belief that everything is an opportunity to grow and become better. What may seem like the worst thing in the world at the moment is actually just part of your life, and part of creating who you CHOOSE to become. Thank you for expressing your positive outlook and I am actually looking forward to overcoming this obstacle and staying strong regardless of what happens in my life. It's also such a great opportunity to make stronger and deeper connections with the people in my life, something I have may have avoided in the past. Wishing the best to ALL of you and so happy to be a new part of this community. -Emily