joyus89

I was diagnosed in October. I'm living temporarily near Canada, in North Dakota. I'd love to have someone to talk to about this. Let me know if you are interested.

I might want to do it sooner than later, if it were me. I'd figure that I wouldn't want to be so attached that a "no" would break my heart. It sounds like you've make you decision already, but it might have been good practice in disclosing, that way when the next person comes along you'd be better at it.

Same thing happened to me. I had a partner for 9 years, no condoms, he tested negative for both. Most recent partner tested negative too, we were together for 3 months. I might have gotten it from the first person I was with and either was asymptomatic or didn't recognize symptoms and never knew. You might never know who.

I've been taking lysine everyday since I thought I might be having an outbreak and i didn't have a full on outbreak. But I don't know if it was actually an outbreak or not. I've had so many weird symptoms down there, I'm not sure if it's the herpes or not. But when I took the lysine the itching went away. I'm definitely going to take it everyday. I'm not sure about starting valtrex or anything. I'd be more inclined if I were in a relationship, but just symptom control, mine are pretty manageable without it.

I just want to say thanks you all for giving me support. I have really benefited from your perspectives and advice. It has made me feel much better.

I found out I had herpes on Oct 8th of this year. I had been dating a really amazing guy at the time. He is intelligent, good looking, has a great sense of humor, and is the best cook I've ever met. We were having so much fun and then this happened. I don't know if it would have lasted long term, but to end this abruptly and the way it did really hurt. I had fallen in love with him. I had to tell him about the diagnosis because it was the responsible thing to do and I was kind of confused as to where I got it. At first, I thought I had got it from him, because I never noticed symptoms before. I may have had other symptoms, but I never thought it was herpes. He and my last partner were negative for herpes, so I must have had it for a while unknowingly. Anyway, when I told him he was shocked and then said that we would talk soon after telling him and a short conversation. He said at first that other couples found ways to deal with herpes. He said that he didn't regret being with me. Then he sends me a one sentence email a week later that he tested negative. And that was it. I emailed him and said I understood if he didn't want to talk to me anymore (which I really didn't). He said he did want to talk to me again, but needed time. He has never contacted me and it has been almost 2 months. He is really busy with grad school and stuff, but still. I guess what hurt most is the cold way this ended. I wouldn't have totally rejected someone that way. Even if I didn't want a physical relationship, I would have still tried to be friends. And if I was falling in love with someone (like he said he was with me), I would have learned about it and tried to continue a relationship. Thinking back on it, he was always prioritizing school over me, but that was something I was willing to deal with to be with him. We could have many more good times. He even said that to me, that he wants many more good times with me. It's been too months and I want to cry every day when I get reminders of him. It's sometimes even hard to concentrate at work. I don't think it's good if I contact him again because if he were interested, he would have called or emailed me by now. I have never chased anyone if they aren't interested. Are there any things I can do to get over this? What are they? Should I get rid of all the reminders? When he moved for school, I got some of his furniture for my apartment. I don't want to get rid of it because I actually need it. I'm trying to save money and am going to be moving in 10 months to a new state. I just want my heart to heal and I don't ever want this to happen again. This has been one of the most painful experiences in my whole life.

I hear you. I kind of wish that I never would have found out. I was asymptomatic for a while. There are lots of people who have it and never know. There's this weird stigma too, that people with herpes are dirty and gross. I used to feel this way. I though people that got herpes had to be really promiscuous to get it and I wasn't like "them." There are also people who like more open kinds of sexual experiences; people that have multiple partners. There's nothing wrong with those kind of experiences either or people. Some people aren't wired to be in a monogamous relationship or because of their age want to experience sex with different people. I suppose it would require people to be honest with all their partners to be responsible. Even more casual experiences can be intimate which requires honesty and trust. Adrial mentioned to me the option of suppressive therapy to decrease risk. It might be an option for you since it decreases the risk a lot even without the use of condoms. I'm not saying people shouldn't use condoms, but I understand the desire to want to be latex free, even with less permanent relationships. Also, the idea of having to be restricted to a long term monogamous relationship is oppressive for some people. I'm still new to this whole thing too and am hoping it's not the big deal some people make of it.

I hope this isn't too graphic. My symptoms varied. Sometimes it would seem intensely itchy down there and there would be 2 fissures. I thought it was a yeast infection (maybe it was, I'm not sure if I had a yeast infection + herpes, or if it was just herpes). The overwhelming sensation was itching. Then sometimes, I'd get something painless, like a few pimples in the hair area down there. I though it was an ingrown hair. When I got it diagnosed in October, it appeared different and was in a different spot and was painful. It burned and was an ulcer (Just one ulcer). It looked like a cold sore but it was down there, on the vulva. The ulcer lasted about 7 days. The other symptoms, the pimples and yeast infection like symptoms would only last 3 or 4 days. I would also sometimes get this intense itching down there in the hair part also. I've also had flank pain and abdominal pain that may have been associated with herpes. You will find out tomorrow and know for sure. Symptoms can be so many things. I was a little relieved at first because now I knew what was wrong. And it was non-fatal. Basically, you can't only go by symptoms because they can be many things. They did a culture of the ulcer I had and it was HSV -2 positive and that confirmed the diagnosis. They also told me it didn't look like a first outbreak. I am sure I've had this for over 9 years and did not even know until recently.

Thanks Adrial, that's very reassuring and the hug is appreciated!

Equanimous and Adrial, I agree with you. I just had someone break my heart and it's been very tough. I was rejected because I was honest. This guy was really awesome in most other ways, except he did not want the stigma of this and that was enough to scare him away. I felt so disgusting about myself and it was one of the worst feelings in the whole world. Oh well, I suppose. There are a lot of really great people out there who don't want the stigma and in a way I can't blame them. I can't blame him for doing this to me. And I don't blame people for not telling because of the stigma. I'm not going to judge them, after experiencing the pain of rejection. I also know that I can't have sex with latex forever, especially dental dams. Those are the worst. Sex is much more than a physical experience to me. In the past I've always had partners test for diseases, and I'd do the same and we'd be good. Peachyogurtisawesome, no worries. I understand how you feel, because it's how I felt when I found out. I don't know who gave it to me and thinking back on it, I may have had this since highschool. I just don't know. I was asymptomatic for a really long time. My last 2 partners were negative. One of them I was with for 9 years, without condoms. So the herpes must have come from me and I must have had this for over 10 years not even knowing it. I probably would tell someone again (even though my heart was ripped out of my chest recently for being honest) because if I have feelings for someone I couldn't lie about that. At the same time, I also expect that my next partner, if they truly have feelings for me, that they will take the risk to be with me. I am good enough for someone to take that risk.

I think it is probably better to disclose than not because true love and intimacy requires complete trust. That being said, there's a lot of propaganda out there that are really annoying to me, like claiming that dental dams (for fingers too!) and condoms are gonna be just as good. That's a bunch of crap. The facts are that these barriers do cut the intimacy in sex and they don't as good. And dental dams and condoms taste nasty! How can it be expected that I am okay with this, feeling like a leper and accepting folks that want to stay in latex forever if we are dating. If I'm serious with someone I do expect the latex to come off at some point and I don't think that's unreasonable. If I had a deadly disease, that would be entirely different. I guess what I'm saying, is that at a certain point people are going to have be more open to catching herpes if they want to experience truly intimate sex. So many people have cold sores and I don't see a big push to get every one to disclose this. There's a lot of stigma here and weird attitudes toward genital herpes that need to be explored instead of "just use a dental dam and valtrex." Genital herpes are cold sores down there. Some people don't even have outbreaks! I just think a much better and more inclusive approach would be to get people to accept that there is risk in love and sex. Love and sex are very special experiences and no one should be deprived of those experiences. Sometimes it's worth catching herpes to experience sex and love. The perfect person that doesn't have herpes may not exist and the non-infected might be missing out on the love of their lives. Likewise, if people who do have herpes limit themselves to other hsv+ people they are also missing out on their possible soul mate (if something exists). Even if someone wants to have some casual fun, people are still missing out.

I recently found out I have HSV-2, much to my surprise. It was weird because my last 2 partners were negative. I had a partner for 9 years who never got it from me and I never knew I had it. My reason for posting and I know it's probably been discussed before, but is it so wrong to keep it a secret? I've been reading all this stuff online about condoms and dental dams and stuff and honestly if I have to use a condom and a dental dam forever I would rather not have sex anymore. To me sex is about intimacy and the latex DOES put a barrier between the passion. People that say otherwise are kidding themselves. Especially a dental dam. Those aren't fun at all and really takes a lot of the pleasure away with oral sex. I really think that's unrealistic to expect someone to wrap themselves latex to have sex all the time, especially if you're serious about someone. If two people know they don't have anything fatal, and if certain precautions like not doing it when there is an outbreak, I think that's good enough. Are we going to use dental dams to kiss too? And you can still catch it even if you use use all of these devices. Do people who get cold sores tell everyone? I don't think so. They don't even test people for herpes for std testing. You have to ask for a test. My last 2 partners never caught it from me (this was without protection). So I just don't know about disclosing this all the time, especially considering it's not life threatening. I suppose if the person you were with was someone who you loved, it would be something to share. When you're in love, there's total trust an intimacy. But in love there's also risk. So I've decided that if someone really loves me, they won't make me wrap myself in latex and if they do then they weren't the right one. Maybe no one will every love me again, I don't know. I am just so angry and I just think it's really unreasonable to expect people with herpes to always tell and always use latex. And there are no guarantees even so. I'm angry about the herpes and I'm angry at all these health sites that don't explore the non latex options. Why don't they say, hey herpes is a non life threatening skin condition that you're at risk of catching, regardless of the latex. Latex is a barrier between germs and also a barrier between true intimacy and love. To say otherwise in a delusion and a lie. I'm sick of that lie.