GreenEyes87

He's coming home the day after tomorrow and I want to sit him down. I'm dying to tell him but won't do it over text or on the phone. I feel this warrants a face to face conversation. The hardest part is that he's talking to me like I walk on water and I know that I've made this mistake. But I won't disclose to him in an impersonal way to ease my own guilt, that's selfish. So I wait, but also dread a text or call asking if I have anything because he's showing symptoms.

@WCSDancer2010. I agree we were both accountable on some level. There was a large degree of irresponsibility on both of our parts. I plan to meet with him and discuss it face to face as he deserves that much. In the meantime, I am also taking steps to prevent pregnancy because that is also obviously a risk, and a larger one that me actually transmitting. I am actually quite confident that he will not contract it but he deserves the heads up so he can keep an eye on his body. I'm also upset because I know this will read as a clear violation of trust and I really do like this man quite a lot. Of course, he will be stationed for three years so I don't know how well that would have worked anyway. I just need to get my words straight in my head.

That is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Herpes may be permanent but the struggles aren't. The longer you have it the more manageable it becomes. I'm getting advice on another post and in reality, it's a cold sore...no more no less. It doesn't make you less loveable, it doesn't alter your character, and it changes nothing about who you are. Hang in there lovebug!!

And no, I earned my black out on my own. I don't drink often but I got carried away along with everyone else. He was far more sober than me but I function well when intoxicated so he probably didn't realize how smashed I really was.

I would like there to be long term potential, I don't do the one night stand thing, especially since being diagnosed. There were latent feelings there for a while I think. I'm on suppressive meds but a condom was apparently not used, which is both of our faults. He's in the army and is being stationed over seas shortly so it's already difficult. I know the risk of transmission is lower, especially since I haven't had an OB in almost two years but the fact he didn't wrap it up makes me nervous and rightly so.

I slept with a guy I've known for a few years while highly intoxicated. I don't even remember the event, we had sex after we attended a wedding. I'm HSV-2 positive and now have to have a post intimacy disclosure which I have never done and will never ever have to do again. That is not the person I am. Since I joined H Life I have had three successful disclosures so I didn't do it out of fear, I did it out of booze and hormones and literally didn't think. How should I approach this with him? I feel awful. I was infected due to non disclosure and I am not that kind of person! I'm so ashamed of myself!

Thank you for your response. We have known each other for a long time. I moved away years ago and we reconnected. So the good news is he does know me very well. That may help. :)

I am preparing to disclose to a man I am madly in love with. It's my first real disclosure and I'm a little nervous. I have read so many successful disclosure stories but am still a bundle of nerves. We have a long distance relationship and will not be physical for several weeks but telling him now seems the best option. Any suggestions?

Being that I don't personally plan on disclosing my situation until there is a deep emotional connection with my potential sexual/romantic partners, I have to say that were the tables turned, I would at least listen to my partner and hear out all of the options. I am one of those that holds the opinion that someone who views herpes as a deal breaker isn't worth it, but I should clarify that I am referring to the people who hear the word herpes and shut down and run, the ones who buy into the stigma and ignore said deep personal connection entirely. If a partner reads the literature, discusses possibilities, and still decides to opt out then they deserve credit for trying and certainly shouldn't be vilified. Hope that makes sense lol.

Well he certainly should not be angry with you if he contracted herpes while with you. He is fully aware of your situation and is in the relationship in spite of it which means he accepts the possible risk. So while I can appreciate him wanting to be honest with you, I feel that him deciding he would be angry with you if the virus was transmitted is horrendously insensitive and probably why you can't seem to relax and enjoy him without panicking. If the two of you are careful and you are aware of your body the risk of transmission is incredibly low. Does he know this? I also urge you to ask yourself, would you EVER have the heart to tell him you would be angry with him if you contracted hepatitis c from him? I would think not. Whether he intends it to be a threat or not, it is one, and it clearly lowers your self esteem and disheartens you. You should discuss that with him. I am sorry your ex treated you so poorly. I know how that feels. And I am sorry you are struggling to settle comfortably into your current relationship. But communication is key! Best of luck and lots of hugs to you!

Me too! lol

DamagedLotus I have up moments and down moments...I have moments where I feel empowered and courageous and moments where I feel utterly dejected and alone. I am sure that is totally normal. Because of my situation and how everything played out, I feel like I was only diagnosed yesterday. It's easy to forget I have been living successfully with herpes for four years. I put SO MUCH stock in how "lucky" I was to be in a relationship with someone else in spite of my diagnosis that I ignored the most important relationship I needed to nourish...the one with myself. He tried to split hairs on the cheating front, said he really didn't think it should count since he and I were not "official" at the time, and if I really wanted to be a naïve butthead I may have accepted that. But to knowingly expose a partner to herpes without disclosing the situation is a disgusting thing to do, and although I don't know if that's what he did to me, he did it to her. And I have NO business being with a loser like that! SO, if I really wanted to be a silver lining seeker I really could give herpes CREDIT for helping me realize what a jerk he was. That level of deceit in a person speaks VOLUMES about their character. So maybe the trick is to really turn the tables on the stigma...to try to see herpes as a way to weed out the undesirables, the liars, the cheats, the players...to gain the strength to disclose our situation to potential partners that we care about and to do it in a way that shows we are not ashamed. And to realize that someone who would consider herpes a deal breaker without a second thought is probably not someone we want to be with anyway. :-)

DamagedLotus Our situations are eerily similar, and I completely and totally feel your pain. I just joined this site yesterday and have already experienced overwhelming support from the community here. So we are both definitely in the right place. Something I have kind of realized simply sitting here and reading and thinking and reflecting is that there are many "what if" questions we can ask ourselves. What if we had been more careful, what if we hadn't done that, what if what if what if. And as I have sat here I have realized that ultimately, that is a torturous question to ask ourselves under any circumstance because honestly we will never know. I have also spent a lot of time questioning my former significant other...did he know? Did he do this? And honestly, like you said, it doesn't really matter. It is what it is. We just need to figure out how to move forward. And this site is a great start! Amazing people, incredibly useful information, every tool we could possibly need to work on loving ourselves and realizing that we deserve love from others, with or without herpes. As it has already been said, it does not define who we are. Much love!

Thanks Herry! You are so right in so many ways! I agree that being single and having herpes isn't so bad. I suppose the hardest part was having what I considered a successful disclosure, a long relationship after the fact, and the idea in my head that I would never have to fret another disclosure ever again. Then again, I see it as a silver lining that I will have the chance (probably more than once) to disclose the right way, that is, confidently and without shame. Thanks again!

I absolutely am familiar with that statistic and I know it is possible that he didn't know when he slept with me IF he was who I contracted it from. Also, like I said, it is totally possible I was the carrier because of my own background. But once I disclosed to him, to not only cheat but knowingly put her at risk...I suppose the fact he was so willing to put her in that position made me think he'd have no problem doing it to me...either way, the trust was soooo blown. Thank you for the welcome! I appreciate it!

I was diagnosed with herpes four years ago right after I had met who I thought was the most amazing man in the universe. We had already been intimate and stupidly did not use protection. I had just finished my "promiscuous" phase, which really only consisted of two men, and I had also been the victim of a sexual assault. Due to the (unfair) stigma surrounding herpes, I assumed that the virus had originated from one of those men, that it was divine "punishment" for my stupidity. Therefore I was thrust into a disclosure situation before I even had a chance to really process what was happening. I disclosed my condition with tears and shame and immediately shouldered all of the blame. He was clearly upset but planted a kiss on my forehead before he left that night. He ended up accepting what was and we began our relationship together. He ultimately contracted the virus. Several years later, I found out that while we were beginning our relationship AND after my disclosure, he was intimate with his previous girlfriend, several times, also without protection. When I discovered this and realized that not a peep came from her regarding a possible transmission, I realized that it was possible he had been the one to give it to me, which had, somehow, never occurred to me before. I hadn't had a single symptom until after we had slept together. I know herpes can go symptom free and undetected for weeks, months, even years, but what are the odds? I realized that although it is possible he could have slept with his ex several times without protection without transmitting, that those odds were also low. I confronted him about it. He became very defensive and insisted that he had never shown signs of herpes until after he slept with me. Hilariously, that was my main focus...not his infidelity. Then I realized that no matter how I sliced it, he was a jerk. First of all, he cheated. Then, as far as the virus was concerned, he either, A) had sex with me while knowingly infected with the herpes virus, which is jerky enough even if you don't consider the fact he let me beat myself up about giving it to him for years, or B) slept with his ex definitely knowing he had been exposed to the virus and didn't tell her. I can only hope that if this was the case, she did not contract it...how unfair to her. So, in a nut shell, regardless of where the virus came from, I am now single and have herpes. I have read so many wonderful success stories on this site and you are all so supportive of each other. I am actively searching for my Mr. Right and hope that all of the guidance and support I have seen and will see on this site will help me keep the faith!