serendipity515

Hi friends! It's been quite some time. A quick synopsis of who I am: 24 y/o female, have had HSV1 below the belt for 3 years now. I've disclosed the herp several times, and have had three partners (two of which were relationships) in this time. I've been in a good place about H for a while now, but a new potential partner has thrown me for a loop. I'm also bisexual and currently dating women. I very randomly met a new woman online a few months ago. I disclosed my status about a month after we started talking and she was understanding, appreciative of me telling her. At this point things weren't romantic, but we did meet about a month and a half later. This is where things get tricky. We spend the night together, she got a hotel room for us. After a night of partying and a little liquid courage, things began to get physical, but all above the belt. She stops and proceeds to tell me how we can't do this, the risks are too high, the distance, etc. In that moment I was really thrown off and uncomfortable, but respected her concerns and we stopped. The next day she told me she felt that I talked about H like it wasn't a big deal and that it wasn't fair to expect her to be okay with it just yet, considering how new things were between us. That was a first, but I understood from the perspective of risk~benefit: distance with a new woman and not wanting to rush into a relationship. H is definitely not casual sex friendly. :/ Fast forward to this month, now 5 months of communication and things had become pretty romantic. She's actually coming to visit this weekend. I'm trying to manage expectations. We recently talked about H last weekend and she mentioned that she 'forgets I have it' but immediately becomes less affectionate after our conversations about it. I understand her reservations and concerns, but I don't know if I should just refrain from making any moves and keep things platonic until she's comfortable (or we end up in the same city or a relationship or something) or accept that maybe this isn't something she'll ever come around to being okay with. Her actions (visiting, other romantic gestures) are really confusing me. I hope that wasn't too complicated. Basically she's visiting this weekend, this will be our second weekend together, and I'm not sure if I should even try to kiss her or just be friendly. I don't want to make her uncomfortable again or assume that she'll ever be okay with me having H. She's also mildly paranoid about her health in general and has never had any STIs. I work in health, but it seems like she isn't convinced what I'm telling her is valid. No matter how small the risk is, it's big enough to her at this time. Maybe I should exercise my patience muscle a little more, but I don't want to her hurt. Thoughts? ~B

@hippyherpy & @optimist could you guys send me the stats you're referring to?

Hey y'all! Yesterday Bedsider (one of the best and funniest resources for all things contraceptive/safer sex) sent out a great email about the herp. I figured I'd share it here. I'm so glad to see more of this. Check it out below! Xo https://bedsider.org/features/869-gone-viral-6-things-you-should-know-about-herpes By Ina Park, MD MS Genital herpes is one of the most feared and misunderstood sexually transmitted infections (STIs, a.k.a. STDs). Here are 6 things you probably didn’t know about this virus (but should) in honor of STD Awareness Month. 1. You’re having sex on the tip of an enormous iceberg. You might ask a prospective sex partner whether they’ve had STIs (like herpes) before you have sex. (We highly recommend doing this!) Maybe one of your partners has even told you they had genital herpes. But people who actually know they have herpes are just the tip of the iceberg of everyone who has the virus. In fact, of the 50 million men and women estimated to have genital herpes in the United States, over 80% are not aware that they have it. That means if you are dealing with a new herpes diagnosis, you may not have any idea where it came from. This doesn’t mean one of your partners is lying to you; most people just don’t realize that they were ever infected. So even if your inner detective wants to hunt down the partner who gave you herpes, if you’ve had more than 1 or 2 partners, chances are you just won’t be able to be 100% sure. Regardless of whether or not you find the source, it’s important for you to tell your partners about it so they can get tested and protect themselves. 2. The iceberg is melting. Unlike other STIs (gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis) which continue to increase, genital herpes is actually not becoming more common. Twenty five years ago, 1 in 5 people had genital herpes; now fewer than 1 in 6 people are infected. 3. In the world of herpes, we are not all created equal. Your likelihood of having herpes depends largely on your age, gender, and the gender of your sex partners. Since herpes is a lifelong infection, people over 40 years of age are more likely to have a positive blood test for herpes (1 in 4 people) than a teenager who hasn’t had as much time to become infected (1 in 100 teens). Like with many other STIs, women get the short end of the stick: 1 in 5 of us will be infected with herpes before age 50, while for men overall it’s about 1 in 9. For men who have sex with men it’s about 1 in 3. 4. It takes two. Did you know there are actually two viruses that can cause genital herpes? One is called herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2), and the other is herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1). You may have heard of HSV-1 because it typically causes cold sores on the mouth, but it can easily cause the same types of sores on your genitals or anus too. One major difference: HSV-1 can easily infect you above and below the belt, while HSV-2 is almost exclusively confined to the genitals and anus. 5. The culprit behind genital herpes is changing, and this may actually be good news. For those of us hoping for an effective vaccine, the failure of multiple herpes vaccine studies has been heartbreaking. An upside is that one of these studies revealed a surprising shift in the cause of genital herpes in young women. The study found that HSV-1 (the virus that usually causes oral herpes)was twice as likely to cause genital outbreaks as HSV-2. This information backs up another study among college-age women, which demonstrated that nearly 80% of genital herpes outbreaks were caused by HSV-1, not HSV-2. Although having a genital herpes outbreak isn’t fun for anyone, if the outbreak is caused by genital HSV-1, then it’s more likely to be a one-and-done situation. People who have a genital outbreak caused by HSV-1 are less likely to have multiple outbreaks, less likely to shed virus that could infect others, and actually get some protection against catching HSV-2 in their genitals in the future. There’s your silver lining. 6. Herpes is not exactly forever. People always label herpes as the “incurable” STI. While technically this is true, most people who have herpes outbreaks do not suffer with them for the rest of their life. For people who get genital herpes (e.g., from HSV-2) outbreaks will usually be most frequent for the first two years after diagnosis, as is the chance of passing it on to someone else. After two years, most people are only shedding herpes virus on 2% of the days in a given year. (That’s only 7 days out of 365.) You don’t know when those days will be, so condoms are still a good idea. Plus, there are multiple treatments that your health care provider can prescribe that can help prevent spreading herpes to someone else. The bottom line: While you can’t completely avoid herpes and other STIs, there’s a lot you can do to reduce your risk. First, get informed, get tested, then get out there and have fun!

Yikes, I know the feeling. The itching all over could be other things besides the herp (I recently discovered an overgrowth of Candida [yeast] in your belly can give you that overwhelming itchy feeling, similar to a yeast infection between the knees). Try cutting back on sugar for a bit and throw a tablespoon of ACV in your tea a day. Might help :) The advice about supplements is also very sound! I take l-lysine, zinc, b-12, a regular multivitamin, and my valtrex every night before bed. I've been consistent for about a month and have been completely prodome free. (Full disclosure: I haven't had an outbreak since my 1st one two years ago, but I've experienced prodromes pretty frequently since). I have type 1. Take care of your mental health as well! You'll be feeling better in no time.

I can't believe it's only been two years since H became a permanent resident in my life. The quiet homebody doesn't bother me much these days. I mean that on a physical, emotional, & spirital level. Two years ago to the month I was diagnosed with H at an urgent care center around 11:00 PM, 4 days after having sex with my giver. Sex I regretted immediately, eventhough I had no idea why at the time.. Intuition, I guess. The weeks following my diagnosis were wrought with guilt, grief, and sorrow. I think we often forget how natural it is to grieve what once was, after all that is the first step to healing. Fast forward a few months and I got into amazing shape. Suppressive therapy kept me outbreak free, yoga kept me fit and healthy and sane. I came out to my closest friends and family. I was surrounded by the love I was lacking for myself at the time. Full transparency is me sharing how unlovable I felt, no matter how good I looked. In August of that year I started my first post-H relationship with a man who hardly batted an eye through my tearful disclosure. I had had some practice on my friends of talking about H without crying, but I felt horribly exposed to him when he time came. I waited after about two weeks of dating, but before the sexual tension became too much to bare. He held me and understood that even the nicest people experience some shitty things, but that didn't make me less than. We got tested for everything else together, practiced safe sex, and eventually even that went out the window. We broke up a few months later for unrelated reasons, but I was so elated to have found not only love.. But the ability to love myself again. In the months following our breakup, I came out several times. I never had a bad disclosure. I didn't end up committing to any of those people, but none of that had to do with H. II credit my success that to the amount of time I waited before sharing my status, the way I shared it (less tears, more educational, much more confident, and the quality of that person's character (not everyone deserves you! You are a gem.)). I even had a casual hookup during that time with an old flame! I am currently in a long distance relationship with the most wonderful woman (LGBT community, this is for you too <3). We've been seeing each other for 6 months. She asked a ton of questions when I disclosed, but ultimately decided for herself that 1) the risks of H1 were small and 2) I was worth that risk. She told me last night that she's so happy I decided to love myself so that she could love me too. So! I'm here to tell you that it does get better. I'll be 23 this year. I will be living the majority of my life with H and I am not afraid because it is a part of me, it does not define me. A minor nuisance on the road of life. An unwanted resident, but remember! You're the owner. ;) XO

update! She and I are still seeing each other :) we were intimate when I came to visit and no gloves, dental dams, or other apparatus were involved. She is wonderful and hardly flinches when H comes up in conversation. Can't wait to see her next week! :D

Ah okay, you all are right. Gloves are overkill (highly, highly unlikely you'd be H on your hands, right?) I'll mention it to her, maybe talk a bit more about transmission... and my feelings! I just want her to be comfortable, but I deserve to feel comfortable too!

Hey yall! Hope things are going well. I'm kind of struggling right now and could use some advice. A little while ago I posted about a successful same-sex disclosure to a woman I'm currently seeing. We're long distance and haven't been intimate yet, but I'm visiting in about 3 weeks and we're *planning* for that to happen. That being said, while she's long since accepted my situation, she has asked me to get retested to show that I'm otherwise negative/normal (which is fair, I'm glad she asked) and of course to bring proper safer sex materials (in this case that would be gloves, dental dams, condoms for toys... sorry if this is TMI) For some reason this is making me feel bad. I think part of this has to do with my last relationship not requiring so many barriers.. in fact there were none at all after we both got tested (I've been on Valcyclovir & Lysine for two years and have only had one outbreak - my first). I'm just afraid sex is going to be really sterile and unsexy.. or that she'll change her mind altogether. I know I'm freaking out more because I like her more now than ever, but I don't know how to calm down. I don't wanna be thinking about H the whole time. It's also been several months since I've had sex, so I think I'm also just nervous. Any encouragement or words of advice would be great. :)

Hello beautiful people! I decided I would share a disclosure story with you all. I recently posted a question about disclosing in a long distance situation with a man, but as a single young woman, he's not the only person I've been communicating with. I'm a bisexual woman and have been seeing a woman for the past few weeks. I chose to disclose after a particularly long day date with her. I could sense that the physical attraction between us was getting more intense and out of fear that I may do something I regret, I blurted out my status while making out. Not sexy, buzz killer, and completely random. She asked if that's why my heart had been racing and I answered yes. I told her how long I'd had H, how I managed it, and what safer sex means to me. I explained risk, my medicine, and stigma. She was patient and asked good questions. Though the risks are pretty much the same or lower, safe sex in queer relationships is different than hetero ones. I initially worried that with my upcoming move and my random disclosure, she may cut me off, but we've still been in close contact. We have plans to see each other again soon. I say all this to say 1) if you're queer and living with H, you're not alone :) & 2) some times disclosures are not perfectly planned out stories with great timing. While it wasn't ideal, it seems to have worked out this time around. xo

Hello all, I'll try to keep this short. I've been communicating with a great guy for two months now and we just had our first date (we went to college together, but we just recently connected again). It was amazing and I ended up spending the night (no sex/intimacy besides kissing). I told him I don't hook up and wait til I'm in relationships for sex, but I didn't say why. He flew back home this morning and at the end of the month I'll be moving to a different state, putting us about 3000 miles apart. Couple this with months of sexual frustration and I'm dying to tell him, mostly because I don't want him to see me again in November and still not know. I don't know when or how to have this conversation. I also don't want to feel like I'm coming off as if I'm in pursuit of a relationship, just to drop this news in his lap afterward. I guess there's a possibility we won't even be speaking anymore by November, so maybe my fears aren't rational, but... Idk. I'm not sure how disclosing works long distance. Help!

1. Yes - HSV1 likes the mouth more than the genitals, so it will happily find a home there, especially if the person with GHSV1 isn't on suppressive a. (For context, I have GSHV1) 2. Yes, you could have both. I would suggest a blood test to be sure. It's not terribly common to have both viruses infect both places, but I guess that could vary depending on your antibodies.. Since technically they're a little different, HSV2 provides no "immunity" against HSV1, and vice versa. For future disclosures, that would mean disclosing both, if you have both. The trouble is you could have had both down there for a while, but they create the same symptoms, so there was never a need for a new blood test. 3. Maybe, but I wouldn't even worry your pretty head about it until you get your own blood work done :) 4. If your current partner only has GSHV1 and not type 2, you could still give him type 2. GSHV2 doesn't usually like the mouth, so there's less concern about it infecting the mouth, but there's always a risk. I would highly suggest taking Valtrex daily. Hope this helped!

Well I guess my question was more have you ever asked or would you ever ask, but I'm happy to hear you've had a full life :)

...asked someone if they got cold sores before kissing them? Or asked before disclosing? I don't need to know for any particular reason, just curious if anyone ever has and how those conversations have gone.

Sitz baths are extremely helpful. I put Epson salt and tea tree oil in mine. ACV stings like a b***h but it'll dry the sores out quickly too (dilute it though!!!). I used the babyganics protective ointment to avoid chaffing, stayed on top of my pain killers, and drank a TON of water to keep my urine at a low acidity. Squat wide and lean forward when you urinate to avoid contact with the rest of your vulva. Wipe very gently too... Just pat. Don't even wipe. I also blow dried on a low warm setting after I peed. It sounds like a lot and is emotionally exhausting, but you're not alone. I promise, it gets easier. <3

Hey there! I've had one Brazilian since my diagnosis and was scared sh*tless, but my skin was fine. I got it 9 mos post-diagnosis and am on suppressive meds as well. I avoided sex/friction for the first 48 hours and just listened to my body. No problems for me! I would definitely avoid it if you felt any prodromes coming on, however. Hope this helps!