Miji69

Thanks NSGreenville and surprise surprise.... I'm still in the same place.... Next date is this Friday and it's gotta happen as messages between us two are getting more romantic and he has told me he has feelings for me. I'm feeling more and more like I'm being unfair. Not sure how I feel yet as everything has been consumed with having this talk and wondering how HE is gonna feel. Not me. The worry is that even if he takes it well, my relief isn't confused with true happiness to able to take things forward. Don't get me wrong I like him a lot but I think I'm probably getting my having herpes (ha just did a typo and wrote HEROES!) waaaaay out of proportion. I've read some pretty depressing stories on here this week about rejection so it's always one step forward, two steps back. Gotta jump in like you did! I'm gonna tell you it's great to hear that you're having a healthy normal relationship with all the ups and downs. Hope you keep growing together ;-)

That's great news for you and so encouraging as your pre-talk story is similar to mine so far. Enjoy your happy times ahead! :-)

Thanks @Willow of course you are so right. I think the real problem is I really don't think I know him nearly well enough yet to share something like this yet. We both work erratic hours, I have kids so our dates, although 5 now, are pretty spaced out. @WCSDancer, right again and yes, ultimately we are in a better place but I guess this type of forum exists because of the tailspin of emotions and confusion h constantly sends us into regardless of age, length of diagnosis, sex, race and so on. @NSGreenville, backatcha if I have an update. Sorry I hijacked your awesome thread! Thanks all!

Have a calm talk with your obstetrician and ask all the questions you need. Babies are brought into the world safely every day with H+ mums. I'm one of them, have two healthy beautiful little girls. One C-section, the other natural birth. The most important thing for you to do now is try and stay happy and relaxed, rest and eat well. Beating yourself up will do you or your little one no good... Keep talking to people here but don't stress ;-)

Ha ha @inka... Now THAT I would have trouble disclosing to someone I connect with! We have Sky News over here, doing pretty much the same poisonous work. Anyway, I digress...

No problem @inka :-) All debate is good debate.. Now back to work! :-p

Ha! Also won't be watching 5 minutes of ANYTHING on Fox as that, I've heard, is the most deadly of exposures :-p (Hopefully, I'll be forgiven for that one. I'm a Brit!) :-)

Jeez sorry @seeker. Auto correct fool invading my keyboard again!

@seeking.. Thanks for appreciating :-) Had a little laugh at your tea tree oil debacle... We've all been there! Yes, I guess we're just using the old Latin terminology so therefore it has to be an association with years of bad jokes and ridicule that have left the word with a "boogy-man" stigma, I guess.. Yes, I know the real facts of shedding @inka, lived with GHSV2 for 16 years now, hope I haven't caused offence just wanted to open up an alternative type of discussion. Maybe in the hope we can all relieve ourselves of the stigma and own our Talks a little more ;-)

@inka, thanks for responding however, I'm not debating the question of disclosure rather the actual stigma and connotations associated with the clinical words we use. I am struggling with disclosure, not objecting to it ;-)

Just a thought I had to myself whilst reading some info the other day and relating it back to members feelings about themselves and non herpes partners reactions.. The word Herpes just struck me as one of the least helpful names for a STD.. It seems to just scream out for ridicule and sounds dare I say it... comical. Most other STDs have very serious sounding names (chlamydia, gonorrhoea etc) and therefore "comedians" devise absurd names for them. I really am not trying to be idiotic about it, I just wonder because as I struggle with disclosure, I feel that I can get everything out but just choke on the word "herpes" and wonder if it's the stigma or is it compounded by this scary/silly word?? Has the silliness been created around it over time or is it actually an unhelpful, unfortunate sounding word? About shedding... As I read the more hysterical members of the online community discussing their often inaccurate opinions and interpretations of "shedding", it seems to have given them the notion that by "shedding" HSV+ people are just dropping and flaking little bits of their disease all over the place and everywhere they go. A little like dogs and cats "shed" or moult fur.. Come to think of it, another description doesn't leap to mind but for me at least when I first learned about "shedding" I was like "WHAAAAT?!" and was instantly appalled that I might have left traces of my virus all over my home! I know, this sounds, truly idiotic but it was my first gut response until I continued reading and rationalising. Therefore, it makes me wonder if the word is helpful in debunking the awful stigmas we face and not scaring the less informed partners we disclose to into paralysis! I saw a thread where someone asked if they should disclose saying HSV or Herpes. I hope my motives for wondering the same aren't borne out of shame. Telling a partner that I "shed" the virus seems a little creepy to me so I feel like I'd rather say the virus may still be "present" on my skin without a visible outbreak... I mean each to his own but as a general discussion I wonder folks thoughts on this and if anyone has been in a situation where someone has reacted to those words rather than the information? Hope I'm not being unhelpful :-( It's a serious question...

Hey, @NSGreenville, thanks. In my previous long term relationship with the father of my kids, we fought and broke up ultimately because of "normal" issues, money, childcare,time etc. I hear you about the "heavy" stuff too.. Just today talked with a guy friend who said that after a month of dating a girl, she wanted him to spend time with her (very difficult) 15 year old son and then to move in. The pressure got too much and he ended it. Yes, there are people who try and fast track a relationship because they have very specific goals but it scares the heck out of guys. I'm just worried that the intimacy of The Talk is intrinsically about commitment and monogamy when most others who are H neg are just out there having fun and probably never talking until MONTHS in. You seem to be a guy who is at ease with that, at least now, but not all guys take the "sit down and talk about the future and where is this going" dialogue well.. I guess I've just got to try. Ultimately this is about moving forward, however it turns out. "Asshole shield" gave me a LOL moment. Thanks. It's good to laugh too about all this :-)

Hi ithappenedtome, ( I'm gonna use your intended name instead of the one the pesky keyboard left you with :-) ) Thank you for your positivity for me, I really feel it and appreciate it especially in the midst of your struggles. Know that you are a "great person" too. GREAT. We were put here to be more than vessels of a virus. Watching current affairs puts things into perspective... We WILL survive, not be penned into a tiny fetid camp in a poverty and grief stricken village while the rest of the world looks on... Well, it feels like that at first but really. It isn't. We have our lives to look forward to as long as we get up, stand tall and live them. I think the other people who have responded feel equal disdain for how you were treated when H was passed to you and having that to cope with is incomparable to anything I have been through. But know this, you will always have a sounding board at least from me.. So keep posting, feeling and working through things a day at a time.

LOL @WCSDancer2010... Good job with your youngest! That's something to certainly ponder. We want the best for our kids so maybe I will one day. @Trying... I always wanted a third child but guess I've missed that boat... AGE not herpes! Lol :-) Good luck with trying!

Aww, thanks Nick. That means a lot :-) Well... Another (number 5) date last night and.... I couldn't DO IT :-( Somehow just stuck. This guy is such a funny guy but that seems to always get in the way of having a meaningful discussion. I said to WCSDancer on another thread that my new tactic is not to try talking after a great night out on a fabulous date but just plain ask him round to talk. Wonder, as a guy, your thoughts on that? Don't wanna seem like I'm getting "heavy". I've got to get this out of the way as I'm feeling myself wanting to just give up and run and him getting a little impatient and confused. Human compassion IS amazing, right? This place gives me hope and I truly appreciate your response. :-)

Hey there.... I totally empathise with you.. I reach out to him and he tells me he already knew because he just got tested recently and his results came back equivalot so he felt that meant he was fine. To top it off when mentioning some of my symptoms during the ob he says oh ive experienced all off that before. The guy that passed GHSV2 to me was the same, said he never "really gets it" which I assume means he's asymptomatic and was so nonchalant when I was suffering with merciless OBs saying exactly that "oh I get a bit of that" Total contradictions and lies all the time. I stayed with him thinking that I only deserved him and he played on that completely. This guy is to this day an ignorant selfish **** and continues to casually sleep with women whenever he meets one without any intention to disclose OR protect! Sadly, it is only recently I have seen him for who he is because I have met someone who is truly respectful and I want in my life and am struggling with disclosure. If you feel there is something to save in this relationship... Ok.. But it is a concern that what screams out to me in your post is not the diagnosis but the abuse of trust and more importantly, the non-consensual act! I will repeat the word because you used it... Rape. There is nothing in that word that gives me any sense of positivity for this man. You felt it, therefore it was. Perhaps seek some form of help with that before or while you deal with the issue of your diagnosis as hard as that may be. I so want you to stop blaming yourself.. Women take on this sense of culpability when an abuse happens and then further punish themselves when they are left with consequences of an incurable condition or a pregnancy they had no choice in. Your life WILL go on, it's early and we all struggle no matter how many days/weeks/months/years pass but with each passing day we find the strength we need to revisit our value for ourselves, ESPECIALLY with the help of people we find in places like here. I'm a mother in her forties, back on the dating scene, I have no time anymore to hate the man who passed this virus to me as I will not give him that power and while he continues to act wrecklessly, I can only imagine what goes around comes back around! Unfortunately, I can't say to you that it is a dream but we all get to experience a waking moment at some point but it takes slow, patient work on ourselves. I'm still doing it. I've been where you are now but I can honestly say that I am in a better place now. Believe in yourSELF! X

Hi @Trying. Hope I can offer some insight into my situation. As I said on my first thread, I am mother to two gorgeous healthy little girls who were conceived while I was h+. My first was a Caesarian birth as she went into foetal distress because of meconium in my waters, a very common occurrence and the other despite many general opinions advising me not to was born naturally. I was very healthy in both pregnancies, no OBs and ate well. With my second natural birth I chose a technique called hypnobirthing which helped me manifest everything natural and positive about childbirth, therefore I did not give my dratted Herpes a second thought! I have no idea about my childrens HSV status, it has never come up with a doctor, they have never had coldsores (just chickenpox) but as we all know there is only so much one can do to protect our children whatever age from this common condition. Things like towels, flannels etc are never shared in our home but I wouldn't have done that anyway and we have lived a healthy life together as a family without any concerns. I do often wonder though if I would ever disclose to my children when they are women?!! Maybe that's a bridge too far but I want them to be as informed as possible and to make informed choices in their lives. I was very sheltered and naive and as a result was susceptible to big mistakes, not just herpes! All I know is, I want them to be healthy and wise but also non judgmental and caring valued human beings whose mother's happiness is (hopefully) reflected in them :-) Out of interest, if it's not an intrusion, are you currently trying for a child or a mother already? Good luck!

I love that advice as a way in. Thank you so much @WCSDancer... One often forgets that in the mire of all the H stuff that we have other quite pertinent issues to take care of! :-) You are truly wonderful, not just in the advice you have taken the time to give me here, but in all the posts I read where you absolutely ZONE IN to what needs to be addressed for that particular persons needs. Not generic chit chat but caring advice and love. I hope after your "90 days guy" there is another wonderful person for you on the horizon, or just you... Not a bad person at all to devote your time to! I'll let you know how I get on and sending those (((HUGS)))) backatcha! ;-)

Well.... Didn't do it. Had dinner, watched movies then spent the night together, fully dressed and yet more fending off and being awkward. Got the feeling this morning, he's starting to get a little confused but hasn't vocalised that. I get you @WCSDancer with Steve Harvey! I read that book, I agree with what he says to a point but I don't think even I could keep this up for 90 days without becoming a complete nervous wreck! :-) I've watched Adrials videos over and over for four weeks since I discovered this site and some of his videos on YouTube. He and you all are doing the most amazing, vital and selfless work to help muddled up and lost individuals like me. I really don't want to build this up into a "thing" before I do it, even though there are other things holding me back like our "political" debate last night watching the news! So.. I've decided that instead of going for a meal, movie, or theatre, I'm gonna just invite him over to talk about some things. That way we are both prepared for something that's not following a great night out and I have no choice but to do it........ Is this advisable? Of course, I don't expect anyone to evaluate a situation for me based on a few carefully typed words but I really don't have anyone at all I talk to about Herpes specifically... Thanks for your blessings @forgivenessandpeace ;-)

Hi @forgivenessandpeace, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply, especially to a Brit all the way across the pond. I decided to use this forum as I find you guys in the US much more open and willing to listen and expand on issues (no offence to my fellow Brits!) Yes, I think he is willing to wait but it kinda gets to a point where you run out of reasons for not allowing anything at all to progress incase you set yourself up for them being nervous and duped about WHATEVER you did.. Kissing, touching etc. I did feel useless, only because I have always put passion at the top of my list but I'm taking the advice of a dear friend who said that I whatever I did before, I should do everything differently. It's hard to think of a man wanting to spend time with me whilst I have to be so protective. Knowing I have yet to do the talk makes me tense and distant and I don't want to drive him away but I know I'm putting out excuses for not meeting so I can put of the talk. Anyway, he's due here in an hour or so, maybe I'll do it after dinner or maybe wait another week BUT I'm feeling like each time we meet it gets more intense. I'll check back at a decent time (US TIME!) to let you know how is got on. Again, it has been so encouraging to see your response to my rambling post and I very much forward to more discussions with you and others here :-)

Wow, this thread (and I've read a LOT) has given me the most inspiration. What a guy Nick and you are blessed in the relationship you have and the man you say you have transformed into as a result. I'm gonna take your advice on your opening in your talk for mine TONIGHT and whatever happens, I at least know that there are hopefully gonna be guys out there like you. Wishing you all the best in your future with your wonderful lady :)

Would love to know the outcome of your talk! I'm new here and feel your dilemma as I am about to disclose to someone I have been orally intimate with once (he received, sorry!) I'm GHSV2 only.. Hope it went well for you! :-)

Hi everyone, I've been lurking a month or so, taking inspiration from various stories but also feeling a little disheartened by other points of view. I'm on the brink of disclosure but "stuck" so I feel the only way to get me to jump and do it is to come here for a little inspiration/guidance/whatever. My story's a little different in that I'm a woman in her mid forties that has disclosed before to my previous long term partner (7 years) with whom I had two healthy and BEAUTIFUL little girls. Yes! For those of you who worry about conceiving and having children it is completely possible and doctors take it in their stride. One was C-section for ordinary reasons and the other I gave birth to naturally. Anyway, HSV-2 (I assume as I was never offered a blood test here in Britain 16 years ago) was passed to me by someone who, in retrospect, was trying to tell me in the flakiest of ways: "You know after that car accident I had and I was in that coma? For some reason my mum told me when I came round I had herpes!" *Laughter...And that was it! I was naive and ignorant and didn't ask him to confirm or deny, we had unprotected sex then two weeks later, BAM! The most painful, vicious outbreak. He was completely nonchalant about it, I was devastated and we continued on in a rubbish relationship for another year, probably because I though I'd never find anyone else. Oh, to add, after a week's break, on getting back together he then gifted me with chlamydia, which is when I thought, ok, goodbye... I was lucky with that one. Moving forward I then met the father of my wonderful children, being young, confident and kinda secure I was fairly bold in my disclosure one romantic night. He looked at me a little confused and said he respected me for telling him, still wanted me and on we went. Now, we/I was very vigilant early on, no meds just abstention and condoms but then he began to say he wanted to use condoms less and less. There were a couple of times when I told him I felt "tingly" that he would say he didn't care and I guess we became looser about our sex life. While trying to conceive our daughters we planned around all the normal things but also around any sensations or outbreaks which had become less and less, with advice from my Obstetrician. Unfortunately a year before we parted, a year after my second daughter he complained he had symptoms which he had confirmed as herpes. We carried on for a while but arguments, stress and your usual growing apart stuff, broke us up. It really wasn't the herpes. Although I still feel bad to this day even though he has since moved on and married someone else which I am honestly happy for. Gives me a little hope if I'm honest. Now, to the present.. I haven't had to disclose since because I haven't been in a relationship, other than low self esteem hook ups with my initial "gift giver" because I thought no one else could/would want a woman in her late thirties now forties with herpes and two kids. That has stopped and then I met this amazing guy who treats me with so much respect, he's everything I'm looking for in a partner but I'm SCARED! I feel like why would this cool, popular, talented amazing man want to risk a possibility of something with me after a month when he could have like any other woman. I'm four dates in. Was about to disclose last week but then he wasn't well that night so we just curled up and hugged. The next morning, he was feeling better, shall we say and was really wanting to have sex. There was something about the cold light of day and lack of wine in my blood stream that paralysed me so I quite brusquely brushed him away. I texted him later apologising for being "useless" and he responded saying "you're not useless, you're amazing and we've got plenty of time for all that" ... For some reason that depressed me more. To add, we have been briefly intimate orally, me giving to him. I'm only GHSV2, don't get cold sores and on meds but still... We're meeting for lunch today and I feel like this guy is falling for me and I'm leading him on because everything that gets in the way of one of our dates fills me with relief as I don't have to have that Talk but I gotta do it and I feel stuck because I really don't feel like that young free girl anymore that would've moved straight on to the next guy if I got rejected, I think this would crush me at my age. He is also a friend of many friends, colleagues of mine and I worry about privacy.. So... If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated. Go easy, I'm a Newbie :-)