Miji69

Oh hun, go easy on yourself. Believe me, we ALL find ourselves in these situations at one time or another. You didn't commit a crime having a few too many drinks with someone you thought you could trust. Being in a vulnerable place takes us down some treacherous roads sometimes. You sound like a wise and thoughtful woman, which is where those guilty feelings come from. You are exactly right, those two choices are so important, I'm sorry you found yourself so soon after a painful experience, with someone who didn't get that.I hope someone with more disclosing/stats experience comes to your thread with some advice to bolster you but like Ive said, I think you are on the right side of safe with meds and length of diagnosis etc. I understand your dilemma. you are already taking responsibility coming here to ask advice and you did that night by saying no. Don't beat yourself up. You did and are doing the right things. Remember to have fun while you heal. And keep talking, not just here if you ever feel like you need extra help.

@NSgreenville was such an awesome help to me back in 2014 with a difficult disclosure and I am so blown away to come back here and see how far he has come and this amazing beautiful outcome. Yes, people, red through this thread it and he will give you hope, like he did me. This is the ULTIMATE success story in my opinion. Congratulations and good luck, as i think you must be only days away....... :-))

I feel for you, you have a lot to take care of just for yourself after what happened after your disclosure but now feeling guilt and responsibility for a guy who was about to behave irresponsibly himself. You didn't want or go out looking for sex you had (both?) been drinking. I'm sorry to say but a friend of a friend should't act like that especially when he hears you say "no". He was pushing for sex with his friends friend without protection and the consequences for him and you may have been bad. If this was with someone, unlike you, unaware of their status or aware and don't care, he would've been putting himself at risk. Positively, like @Bluebetty says, you are on meds and had H for a while. I get why you feel you *have* to tell him but i struggle to see why he deserves that consideration or disclosure of your private business after a few drinks and a fumble. My feeling is, take care of yourself, rejection is hard enough without a whole load of side BS to deal with. Surround yourself with good friends, live your life and heal. The right guy is out there. Get yourself ready for him.

Hi people, I've been dating a guy who is a friend of very good friends of mine, which is a concern in itself if there were to be rejection and the dynamic amongst us as a group... so to my question. Ive had herpes for almost 20 years and my last disclosure a couple years back went well but the relationship didn't. Took me a while to want to get back out there and it did me good to be alone for a while.... This guy Im dating now... is amazing. we've only been out twice but this is what i think Ive been looking for, a man who already has kids, like me, is a great father, kind, patient, uber romantic and open with his feelings. He sends me a gorgeous text message first thing each morning and last thing at night (usually in Italian:-) thank God for Google translate) and our texts have recently turned to something a little more sexual when we flirt... my worry is that as well as this, I really feel like he is falling for me in a big way and has come close to saying it. I'm really into him too but i feel bad, like waiting to disclose, although its only been two dates over a couple of months, has been unfair on him. What if he's angry that I could've or should've told him sooner? He's also very traditional, old school Italian. He idealises me a bit and thinks Im this sort of perfect 'lady' (I am sooo not!) Scared I'm gonna lose him and feeling angry again about herpes which is ridiculous at my age and stage but I really feel positive about this guy in every way part from H and Ive probably been playing along with the idea of a 'perfect' relationship and it feels like a lie. He's told his mother, sister and best friend about me. Worried the disclosure will go badly. Struggled last time but this time I literally cannot imagine the conversation. Should my disclosure be this weekend (3rd date) even though I know I'm not ready for sex? How far should you take flirting and allowing someone to fall for you before you disclose??

@MMissouri @Bambina3 thank you for your support and yes that discussion has been had. Time too to have some other chats about lots of other stuff too!

@optimist Thank you so much for your reassurance. At the back of my mind I knew this to be true but when it comes to your kids...... Still, gave her a talk re sharing things like that and it being ok to grow up! :-)

Could someone please please put my mind at rest. I left a razor I used on my bikini line a few days ago in the shower and my curious on the brink of puberty 11 year old daughter used it to shave off her (very fine) vaginal hair. When I confronted her about it, bless her heart, she burst into tears and said "It's because I don't want to grow up!" I have had no outbreaks recently but I'm scared that her using my razor could possibly transmit something. I checked her for nicks and cuts and I don't see anything. I'm GHSV2 for nearly 20 years. Please please I would appreciate an answer even if this seems like a dumb question.

Thank you MMissouri, that's what I thought. Cleared up very quickly and harmlessly. Only thing that was concerning me was the tingling that was there. I'd also applied some neat tea tree oil on Monday evening which may have been a bit aggressive. Good to know though about the test which I think I may go ahead and have anyway to check. I probably know the answer to this but is it also possible to have somehow spread GHSV2 to my lip??

Thank you Adrial and that's right, it is pretty dry. This came up Monday but I've also pretty much cleared it up now with some baobab oil and lip salve. Don't think there's anything to swab now, would I be able to get a blood test that would pick up HSV1 (which is what I assume cold sores strictly are) and not GHSV2 which I already have..?

Hi there... Been a while. I have a concern in that I have GHSV2 but to my knowledge have never experienced cold sores. Recently I've been getting these flat rough kinda circular patches on my lips (one or maybe two at a time) very rarely. When I touch them with my tongue they just kinda feel like a piece of rough tape on my lip. There is never a blister and they have no fluid.. Like I say just flat and rough but there is a little bit of tingling which I'm not sure is just my paranoid imagination. This recent patch came up two days ago and is still there but clearing up slowly. Afraid to kiss but not sure if I can get HSV1 at this late stage of having GHSV2. Any clues?

Beautiful story and congratulations! You've got a "keeper" there so quit worrying and enjoy! I had a similar outcome so I truly hope all these stories are encouraging others too.

I've just got to chime in here because just a week ago I was feeling all the things you are struggling with right now. It is so hard to form the words when you believe that from the moment you do, the gorgeous, perfect way this man looks at you might change forever.... But what if it doesn't? What if all the attraction and tenderness between the two of you and from him intensifies? What IF he looks at you with newfound respect for being a true and authentic human being who trusted him enough to disclose something so raw and personal? And if this doesn't happen? Then you know what? You have learned and gained something invaluable. I say this because I disclosed last week and I was terrified. I thought there was 80% reasons for this guy to bail. I thought I knew his mind and him but turned out I didn't 100% know either. He had tough stuff to disclose too, not herpes but things that made him feel unloveable. Pain is something we all have in common at one time or another. The point I'm making perhaps badly is, for me I disclosed when, quite frankly, I was good and ready. My struggle and angst was part of MY process and when those words came out of my mouth it was because I really couldn't hold them anymore, trusted that I knew enough of him to share and because if I was going to have a relationship, it had to be free and honest. He accepted me. But more importantly, as I disclosed, *I* accepted me! He could take me or leave me but you've got to know your worth. It's there already or he wouldn't make you feel the way you do. I wish you all the luck in the world but my thing is, I guess, we DO have to tell a prospective sexual partner but the timing is different for everyone. As WCSDancer says Herpes is your Wingman. The man I am with now after all has shown me that! Good luck!

@WCSDancer2010 Thank you for posting my thread as a success story. It's an honour to feel that my story joins the dozens of others that gave me hope and courage. You really are right, there is such a delicate balance in disclosing and for all the advice we take, we must try and marry that to our own individual experiences and circumstances but that is why sharing with you helped give me perspective. Herpes being a wingman is no joke. As I sat and HE talked, I remember just being able to listen and really HEAR him and try and tune in to his pain. It tapped in to my own and I realised that without having had this invaluable time that Herpes has unwittingly given me, I would perhaps not have listened, talked too much and not allowed myself to HEAR. We are all valuable people and we must never forget we all have the right to be loved and take the chance on love and a fulfilled life. Herpes is not the end. It's not our story. Our/my story is constantly evolving and being written. Who knows what the future holds but I can hold my head up high and KNOW I have and will strive to act with honesty and integrity. Also forgiveness. I'm working on forgiving my giver. I know from this hard journey with someone I was afraid to lose, that not everyone is perfect. He must have had his reasons for not disclosing, as devastating as it was for me. I have to forgive or this relationship now just isn't going to work out. I believe a lack of self worth and guilt ruined the relationship with my children's father but as I said a dear friend said "do everything differently". Thank you for always being there and responding and reaching out, not just to me but to others who struggle as I have with disclosure for whatever reason. This really is a beautiful place. A quote I read today: There's something about pain that makes us feel so alone Yet it is something we ALL share. Don't forget that. ;-)

So... It's been a while. Went through a bit of a dark phase and soaked up a lot of what I've read here and in particular all the help and kind and wise words from @WCSDancer, @Cynthia and Nick aka @NSGreenville.. I want to tell EVERYONE here your help and invaluable support has been so important to me and at times moving.... I did it! AT LAST! This weekend.. I'd sent a text to my friend and said we needed to meet as we had some important things to discuss. His short response that, yes, we did need to talk worried me then the day we were supposed to meet he texted to say his grandfather had suddenly passed away. Of course that took priority but then he became distant for a few days.. We met this weekend and had drinks with friends. When we got home, I just felt this overwhelming urge to tell him. I knew I couldn't go forward another day without getting this off my chest but then he began to speak... He started talking about his own insecurities personally and sexually, that he became distant last week because he thought I'd lost patience and wanted to dump him. He told me something about his childhood he'd never told anyone before and that was such a brave disclosure I just flowed and began telling him that we all have something that's difficult to talk about and things that can change us and how we act in relationships forever... I got stuck again and stumbled. No tears. Not that I was fighting tears, I just trusted him enough to not be scared anymore.. He put his hand on my leg and said "You know there's nothing you could say that would change anything. I'm mad about you. I don't wanna lose you" :-) So I said it " I'm carrying the herpes virus. I trust you enough now to tell you but I want you to know. I'm not gonna take you or this for granted. Ask me whatever you want about it I've has this for a long time and rarely get outbreaks but there's the risk...etc" He put his arms around me and told me he was just relieved that I didn't want to finish with him. He actually said that he thought I was about to say HIV and that even that although much more serious, would not change his feelings for me. He thinks it's been good for both of us having this extended time getting to know each other before we have sex. I cannot tell you the weight that's been lifted from my shoulders and how happy I feel. Of course I need to get him more information and perhaps talk more and we both should get tested before we take things further but I am sooooo happy!! Without a doubt, this journey has been made easier by you guys support and love over the ocean. From the bottom of my heart I am grateful. You are all an inspiration and I hope in some small part, my experiences can help too. For the record, I'm not going anywhere because if I can do for others what you have done for me then I'll be an even happier lady :-) And woohoo! I never thought I'd say it.. It was a success! Thank you thank you THANK YOU!!!! :-)

Wow... Thank you @Cynthia and you know I think you've hit the nail on the head. What's sticking me is probably not even herpes (I've disclosed before) it's how I perceive myself.. Single mother, middle aged, body not at its optimum. I think I have a huge problem with this because I don't feel I have enough to offer as a woman once he knows my H+ status and that has to change. I don't think I like 'me' at the moment which leaves me thinking I am completely undesirable as a woman with genital herpes. Having someone in my life who loves and accepts me warts and all seems so completely unattainable right now. Sorry if this sounds like shame and self pity and I more than anyone, know that this is completely unlike me.

Glad this SS got bumped by @murbs. A disclosure after 3 months gives me encouragement in my own situation and my feelings of guilt at leading him on and waiting too long. Don't know of you're still around Aimi but thank you and congratulations on your success and growth. So awesome :-)

Can't believe I'm here and still stuck... Quick recap. Been dating the same guy as above for over three months now and still haven't disclosed but taking @WCSDancer's last piece of advice and feeling awful after our last date, I sent a text today asking him over for dinner and saying I have some important stuff to chat about... Took him most of the day but he responded by saying "Yeah, we need to talk" To fill you in a little further, our dates til now have been great, even meeting and hanging out with each other's friends. He calls me his girlfriend and makes plans to do lovely things all the time but when we're in bed... We were a lot more 'steamy' at the start but now we seem to have phased into something uncomfortably comfortable, both knowing what SHOULD happen but nothing happening. The cuddles and kisses used to be enough but now they feel (to me at least) like lies and deception. @Adrial talks about "that sweet spot" in disclosure and I feel I may now have missed that.. I feel so cowardly and weak. I've taken so much advice and asked for so much help here only to cower away again and hide and pretend and now find myself with a deeply difficult mission... To disclose to someone after dating too long. Is three months too long? Have I blown it? Guess only Thursday will tell. I had so many opportunities but it always felt wrong or scary to do it. He's a very funny guy and always joking so it made it hard to find my moment. Also, there were so many occasions in the way, my birthday, social events, his grandfather falling ill. I'm not feeling positive about Thursday, especially because of his "Yeah, we need to talk" response and feel like he may just have given up. Need a little (more) support and bolstering from you guys..... AGAIN!

Oh, Sweetie! (Not gonna call you herpesgirl but love the embrace of your H+ status lol) I LOOOVE your joyous, positive tone! So refreshing to hear, so just saying THANK YOU!

Hey, @threelittlebirds... Extraordinary as I've just posted an update to my thread 16 Years With Herpes but Still Scared. Our stories, up until your brave disclosure are so similar. Been two months of heavy petting and getting closer and what you are going through is the thing I haven't got the courage to face. You have done an amazing thing which can only serve you well in this or any other relationship you have. Why can't I see that finding the courage you have will strengthen your resolve if you ever find yourself doing this again? I think that if this was a definite deal breaker for the guy, he would've taken the easy opportunity in texting to say, "well thanks but I don't think I can do this." Two days in "guy time" isn't that long, especially if they have emotional things to think over. No offence guys but I think that's the reason in most relationships that we ladies get frustrated when a guy takes a day to respond to something your girlfriends would've responded to six times back and forth in the same day! I really think from the sounds of this guy that if he wasn't giving it any thought and just wanted out it may have been an easier consideration and you would have your answer. I know I would need time if it were me but I never got that choice and what a great thing you have done for you and him by getting it out there..... I truly wish you luck and know that you have given me a nudge towards being as honest, courageous and authentic as you are :-)

Hi again all... This may be getting tedious but feeling really low tonight. This has been going on for nearly two months now, at 6 or 7 dates and STILL can't do this. Have been trying to disclose for weeks now and I feel like I'm going insane. Just to update, I've been seeing this awesome guy since September. We are getting closer, hanging out, going to great places, even met some of my family out socially this weekend. We spend the night together, holding each other, kissing but I stop him from ever getting "too close". I'm feeling his frustration but at the same time he is really respectful and patient with me, perhaps because he thinks I'm just holding back for "ordinary" rules type reasons. He calls me his "girl" and that makes me feel good but I am dying inside because after so long I feel more and more like my talk will be a disaster now because of how long I've dragged this out. WHY can't i do it??? As I've said I've done it before but I was a lot younger and more optimistic about life and confident about my chances in the dating pool. It took a long time to find and meet this guy and I'm terrified he'll feel betrayed after so long and even from sharing a bed with me (no sex) without knowing. I'm making this into a huge deal in my head and yes, for some reason for the first time in my H+ history! I feel like a leper :-( Sorry, my H+ friends, that is NOT what we are, I know that in my rational mind but I've gone to a bad place where I just want to run from this relationship rather than get badly hurt from a possible rejection. The next date will need to be the time I do it or I fear one of us will make a decision. Sorry to be here with this AGAIN and I don't know what more help I can ask of you guys but if anyone has any thoughts or inspiration, it would help a whole lot. PS.. Ironically our next date is on Halloween Night :-o

Thanks for the positivity Ann. :-)

Goodness gracious! :-) Well THERE'S motivation for all us stallers! High 5's to you! :-))

Sorry. Correction: thread I mentioned is credited to gardeniaflower! All these pretty flowers, sorry gardenia!

In a similar situation and I'M DRAGGING IT OUT!!! Just don't do this is all I can say. You're beginning something wonderful for you whatever the outcome. I'm where you are right now and there's a great thread with info on how positive disclosure can be from whitedaisies right above this one. Gives me a lot of perspective. Good luck!

Listen to Herry.... That advice cannot be wrong. :-) And WCSDancer is right, we're all here because of choices being taken away, well mostly, sounds like she's taking yours by refusing to give you information which is where you were before, right?