sickoflifelessons

So, I already have GHSV2. When I found out about this last year, I was tested for both herpes types and was negative for HSV 1, so if what I have is a cold sore, it's from a new infection. Last night I had some pain around my lip. This morning I had more pain, plus a red bump starting to form. It hasn't turned into a pimple and is really bothering me. I don't know if it's bothering me more because I am expecting it to be herpes. It is quite painful. If it is, I guess it came from my new boyfriend. I don't know. We were making out pretty hard core a few days ago and he hadn't shaved so he was pretty stubbly. He has never had a cold sore, so he doesn't know if he has the virus. I have kissed other guys this year, but none for many months. I take valtrex every day. Would I still break out in oral cold sores while on this? I know that genital herpes is considered to be worse, but since I haven't gotten any outbreaks "down there" and oral herpes is potentially on display for everyone to see, I am having a great deal of anxiety over this. If it is a cold sore, now I have to figure out how to disclose BOTH things to potential partners if my current relationship doesn't work out. I feel myself becoming less and less desirable... :(

Stephner I'm so sorry you're dealing with rejection right now. All rejection sucks and herpes sucks extra because it makes you insecure. But remember your own words: it's a tiny, insignificant part of your life. Don't let it become more than that. I have disclosed to two romantic interests and neither one of them saw it as a deal breaker. The first one was terrified of STDs and the second one knew almost nothing about herpes. I gave them all of the statistics up front (there is a handout on this website that can really help!) and that made it much easier to approach. I don't know how you disclosed to your most recent guy, but when the time comes for you to do it again (and it will!) my best advice would be to be as educated about it as you can be, so that you don't allow him to buy into the stigma. Just the fact that he compared it to HIV and made you feel like a monster indicates that he 1) doesn't know anything about what HSV actually is, and 2) is not a very nice guy :( I also want to share my opinion that being rejected for herpes (for me, at least) would be preferable to someone rejecting me based on my personality. I can't change my personality and I wouldn't want to. I'm happy with who I am. However, when I broke up with the first guy I disclosed to, I was heartbroken because I had spent all this time connecting with him and really opening up to him (and falling in love with him) and in the end he rejected *me*...not my herpes. He had dated me, and gotten to know me and have sex with me, and meet my friends and family, and *then* decided that, eh, I was a nice girl, but not worth the effort (yes, he said that). Honestly, if he had just walked away when I told him about the herpes, my self confidence would have taken a hit, but I wouldn't have been devastated like I was when we finally did break up. I know that you may not feel that way right now, but like WSCDancer pointed out, rejection is going to hurt no matter what the reason. And herpes is a great wingman. The two relationships that I've had since I got herpes were the two closest relationships I've ever had (and I was engaged before I got H). The one I'm in now is the relationship I always dreamed of having (it's still early on, though, so who knows what will happen, ha). This has been quite a year of self discovery for me, and to be honest, I'm not sure if I could have found this guy/been ready for him if I hadn't gone through this experience with H. I hope that you keep your heart open and allow yourself to find someone who will look past this. (If you said told me this ten months ago, I wouldn't have believed you, but) there are plenty of people who will :)

I disclosed for the second time last weekend. I have had HSV2 for almost a year now. I want to post my first disclosure story at some point because it was also a really positive experience (although the relationship didn't work out for other reasons), but this time it was really special. I was dating this guy for about six weeks, but over that time we got really close. We had epically long dates (like, lasting days at a time on the weekends), and deep down, I really did believe he would be okay with it, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him because the fear of rejection was so loud in my head. In the time that I have been single between the last boyfriend and this one, I did a lot of work in therapy to come to terms with having H, and I thought I had come a really long way. Before I met him, I had accepted that H was not that big of a deal. It has not affected my health or daily life in any way except for the social stigma. I really convinced myself that I could have a healthy relationship and that this wouldn't scare guys off. I believed it wholeheartedly... ...then, I met this guy and the only thing I could think of was that he wouldn't understand and it could only ever be a deal breaker. I told him on Friday night that there was something I was going to have to tell him. But I couldn't do it. On Saturday he told me he had thought about it a lot and had come up with a lot of "worst case scenarios" but he couldn't think of anything that would make him not want to be with me. I cried and sort of told him - he said the top three suspicions he had were: 1. I had had a botched abortion and couldn't have kids 2. I had a terminal illness 3. I had caught something from someone He told me none of those things mattered to him and then he said, "you're not going to die soon, are you?" and I said no. And he said, "well that was the one I was most afraid of because I don't want to lose you." And then a few minutes later I said, "I didn't have an abortion either." And he said, "okay, so what did you catch?" and I burst into tears and told him the story of how I met/dated my giver. How my giver lied to me and was basically living this double life and how it really shattered me. But I didn't tell him it was H. The next day (Sunday) I gave him a letter in my apartment (I know...it's just still hard for me to say out loud) and he read it and started smiling. Then he looked at me and said, "can you stop being so anxious now?" He didn't really know anything about it, so I explained a lot and told him what we could do to protect him, but that there was always going to be a risk. He said, "those numbers seem really low," and I said, "yes, but there is still a chance you could get it." And he said "I know. If I get it, I get it. I think you're incredible." Then I made a joke about how I used to be awful, but then I got H and realized I had to step up my game to be 'worth the risk'. And he said, "I don't think that's true but if it is, then I'm really glad you got it, because I love who you are right now." So, it's been almost a week since I told him. He told me he loves me on Tuesday and we had sex for the first time on Thursday night. He actually has become even kinder to me since I told him. I am really surprised that I got this lucky, and now I'm not really scared of H anymore, but of losing him. But that's just another item on the long list of things I need to work on in therapy :)

I just wanted to add a suggestion...I was diagnosed in February (had what I believe was my primary outbreak at the end of January - never had another outbreak). I had constant itchiness/swelling/discomfort (and now that you mention it, there was a pinching sort of feeling) for a several weeks (way longer than a normal outbreak would be). I was on valtrex daily and my doctor said that what I had did not look like a herpes outbreak. I can't even tell you how many swabs she took (over many appointments) and they all came back negative. Finally (after like 6 weeks of this discomfort) she said that even though all the cultures for yeast and bacteria were coming back negative, too, maybe we should try some clindamyacin (a topical antibiotic that you can put on your lady parts). Three days later - no more irritation...and haven't had any since (I finished out the antibiotics, which was like two weeks worth). The conclusion my doctor came to was that I had a bacterial infection that did was not tested for with the standard tests she had sent out (there are apparently many types/strains of bacteria that don't necessarily show up). Even though this could reasonably a lingering outbreak, just because you have herpes does not mean that everything that is happening down there *is* herpes. Do you have a doctor you can go to - just to ask about a topical antibiotic - just to try? It is pretty safe; as long as you're not using antibiotics all the time it won't do any harm to try it.

This is long and anecdotal, but I think it gives a little bit of an idea of what goes through some peoples' heads... When I was 21 I worked in a health clinic for a little while after college. This was a pretty high end clinic in a very wealthy area (not a free clinic). We saw A LOT of genital herpes. At least a few cases per day. As a H-negative 21 year old who had been with one person (long term relationship) and never even thought about STDs, that was really eye opening. But, I remember telling people that herpes wasn't as big a deal as I thought it was and it wouldn't stop me from dating someone because so many people have it. I also would tell people to shush when they made herpes jokes because it was so common and they never knew whose feelings they could be hurting (in hindsight, maybe they thought I had herpes already back then because I was so outspoken about it...I am not outspoken anymore because having it has made me way less secure). My friend told me the same thing (that she would date someone with herpes) after she started doing her rotations in medical school and saw how common (AND minor) it was. Now, I have it, and I feel all the fear everyone else does. I have had (and am still having) a hard time accepting it as part of my life. A lot of this stems from the social stigma but also (and probably more so) from the fact that I didn't have any say whatsoever in whether or not I got it. I was responsible and committed to someone, but he cheated relentlessly and I wound up with this. That sucks, because that's a relationship that did a lot of damage to me emotionally, and I wish I had never had it...not because of the herpes, but because of the guy who treated me badly. In any case, my point is that as a pretty naive 21 year old, I was able to be open minded about herpes once I saw it in real life and understood what it was. I think that's the point: once people understand what it is, if they care about you as a person and accept you for who they are, they'll consider it as another minor risk that comes with a relationship. NO relationship comes without risks: heartbreak, betrayal, (unwanted) pregnancy, abuse, mental illness, loss (cancer, accidents, other diseases, etc.) You can do your best to prevent yourself from some of these things, but there's never a 100% chance that none of them will happen, and being in love requires being open to being vulnerable. And love doesn't come around every day, so when it does...isn't that worth the risk? I don't know how much you've dated but I have dated a lot. I've dated guys who seemed great who turned out to be jerks. I've dated guys who WERE great, who just turned out to be not for me. I have felt a real, serious, meaningful connection with very few guys (two) and I can tell you that I would have stayed with either of them no matter what they threw at me. One of them was a smoker (life long, had tried to quit many times, never successful) and smoking has always been a way bigger deal breaker for me than herpes ever was. It's not about the herpes, it's about the person. My last boyfriend (who was one of the two I felt really deeply for) was really uneducated about herpes and made some insensitive jokes before I told him I had it. It was REALLY hard for me to tell him because I already had an idea of his negative feelings toward it. When I did tell him (because I was so crazy about him I had to take the chance) all he felt was sad for me for having gone through that and that it didn't stop him from wanting me (we actually had sex like an hour after I disclosed...and I disclosed in a public place far away from either of our homes to keep things as non-sexual as possible). Damn...now I'm really missing him :( Anyway, my point with that story is: he had negative feelings towards herpes (and all STDs), but because of me - the person he was with - he was willing to consider the risk (and I explained everything and answered a lot of questions before we had sex...but the questions came after the initial reaction, which was just to hold me, kiss my head, and reassure me that this would be okay). Oh, by the way, none of this means that it is easy for me to cope with herpes, to deal with the stigma, or to disclose to anyone that I have it (actually, I am working on this specific issue at the moment). It's hard. Herpes makes things harder and I don't want to pretend it doesn't...but negative self talk and assuming no one will love you because of it is not going to make it easier.

I also just want to say again that I am NOT vindictive or litigious. I don't even want anything to do with this guy anymore. I'm not trying to build a case. My worry is that I was put in a situation where I was not able to disclose my herpes status before having sex. Since that has been one of my biggest concerns since I was diagnosed, this has been a huge burden for me to try and come to terms with. I believe that my insane guilt over that is what is making me jump to worst-case-scenario conclusions, however, perhaps these conclusions are warranted. You all seem to think they are somewhat far fetched so I hope you are right and I do take some comfort in that.

I think if he was really that wasted he would have passed out like I did. Alcohol and logic may not mix very well but being drunk is not an excuse for a lot of things. If you get drunk and get behind the wheel of a car, you can definitely get arrested. The law expects a reasonable person to not drive when they are drunk. If you get drunk and cheat on someone, they're usually not very forgiving... I talked to my sister about it and told her the whole story and she says it sounds like he was planning on having sex with me from the beginning. I didn't think of it this way but in hindsight, it sort of makes sense: 1. He told my friend she could go home because he would take care of me (this is the first time I said to him, "don't think you're going to come home with me, I'm not having sex tonight.") At that point, both of them acknowledged that I was really drunk enough for them to be worried about me. 2. He left the bar with me and said he was going to walk me home. I told him I didn't want him to come home with me so he said he would just walk around with me until I sobered up more and it was safe to go by myself (in hindsight, he should have just put me in a cab. I live in NYC). 3. While we were walking around he kept saying he lived too far away and he just wanted to come home with me, but we didn't have to have sex. I said, I didn't believe him and that I really didn't want to have sex and I had to "look out for myself" (I did a good job of that, huh?) 4. He sat me down (on the filthy sidewalk) and told me he really liked me and he wanted "this" to go somewhere and he really didn't care if we had sex or not, he just wanted to sleep over so he could spend more time with me. 5. I asked him to promise there would be no sex. He did. I let him walk me back to my place (yes, this was a huge mistake). Saying over and over that we weren't going to have sex and he kept reassuring me and promising me there would be no sex. 6. As soon as we got back to my apartment, he started making out with me hard core and trying to get my clothes off. I pushed his hands away and sat up and said, "DUDE, I was not kidding about not having sex!" (yes, I remember this part and I remember saying "DUDE") and he said, "fine, fine, do you have a condom though, just in case?" and I said I did not have condoms (even though I did, from my last boyfriend) and to just stop thinking about the sex because it wasn't happening. 7. We lay down and were just kissing, then I fell asleep. This is where it all gets fuzzy. 8. I woke up and we were both naked. He was kissing my neck. I remember starting to kiss him and saying again that we couldn't have sex. I don't remember what he said or what really happened at that point. I remember lying down and not really being able to move. Not a lot makes sense after that point and somehow we did start having sex. He didn't finish. He proceeded to finger me really hard even though I kept asking him to stop because he was hurting me. Then he finally fell asleep, I fell asleep and he left like 2 hours later. Now, maybe I can't prove any of this, but I do think he realized how drunk I was and took advantage of the situation, even though I said over and over that I didn't want to have sex. In any case, I hope he's already slept with someone else. I kind of doubt it, but maybe that's just because I'm so afraid of how this could ruin my life even more. I already decided I'm not returning the bag to him. If he asks for it I will tell him I can mail it to him or drop it off somewhere.

I never said I wanted to press charges. I understand that I can't prove he raped me, although I do think that he at least assaulted me. My fear is him pressing charges against me.

It's not that I was drinking, it's that I said I didn't want to have sex many, many, many times throughout the night - despite being drunk. I remember saying it over and over at every point: when we left the bar, while we were walking back to my place, before we went upstairs (I live in an apt building), before entering my apt, in my bedroom, on my bed, while he was trying to take my clothes off and I kept pushing his hands away. Every time I said, "no, we aren't having sex" and yet somehow, at some point, we did. The law in my state says the following: at the time of the act of intercourse, oral sexual conduct or anal sexual conduct, the victim clearly expressed that he or she did not consent to engage in such act, and a reasonable person in the actor's situation would have understood such person's words and acts as an expression of lack of consent to such act under all the circumstances. I believe, in my specific circumstances, that a reasonable person would have backed off way sooner. A reasonable person would not have pushed as far as this guy did to have sex with me. If nothing else, I feel very strongly about that. I remember when we were walking back to my place he agreed that it was totally okay not to have sex, he just wanted to come back to sleep over - I didn't want to let him upstairs. He reassured me and promised me that there would be no sex. Yes, I was drunk. Yes, I made a mistake letting him come back to my apartment. But I still think that I was violated and taken advantage of. I don't want to press charges on this guy. I don't think I have a case. But I do think he was wrong. My fear is the fact that sex happened against my ability to consent and provide the information about my H+ status. I have dated a lot of guys and I have been in unfortunate drunk situations before (not recently, but it's happened). I have NEVER, ever told a guy "I don't want to have sex" and had them push it any further than that. No means no. I do think he was in the wrong.

Oh, also, I was told that in my state (NY), you are not considered "mentally incapacitated" unless you are drugged by someone, or if someone forced intoxication onto you. Since the drinking was my own doing, I would be held responsible for my actions. So, the state law would not consider me to have been raped, although I could make an argument for sexual assault since I repeatedly said I did not want to have sex...

I called the hotline. They weren't that helpful, unfortunately; the woman sort of chastised me for putting myself in a dangerous situation - which I was somewhat surprised about (because it sort of felt like she was blaming me...?). She told me I need to get counseling and just put this behind me (which I am going to be doing). In any case, I am going to see my therapist tomorrow and I will also try to see my regular doctor. My therapist was out of town on Friday, otherwise I would have seen her then. I have spent so much time this weekend reading about the risks of this guy getting herpes from me. And even though I did all that research before disclosing to my last boyfriend (and I know the risk is very small), I can't help feeling convinced that he has gotten this from me. For one, I have been very sore, so I know the sex was quite rough, which I am reading increases the risks of transmission. @WCSDancer: I didn't realize you sent me a PM until just now; I'm still new to this site, so I didn't even know PMs were an option - I will respond. I do think I will text him at some point today. I expect him to get in touch with me about his bag, so I was thinking of responding then. I am sure that he will not accept responsibility for what happened or admit to any wrongdoing. I don't think he has any idea he did anything wrong based on the texts he sent me yesterday, and in general, I don't think people respond well to accusations, so I am very afraid of what I could get into with that kind of discussion. Especially if he winds up having gotten herpes from me.

I'm not normally like this. I don't know why I am so scared to stand up for myself. I guess because I feel like I was in the wrong for not telling him about the herpes. And especially now, because I feel like I am starting to have an outbreak (maybe from stress) and I am afraid that I could have been more contagious than originally thought I could have been the other night. My biggest fear at this point is that he is going to text me at some point in the next few days/weeks and ask me if I have herpes (because he has gotten it). How do I respond to that? I can't say "no," because obviously I knew. But if I say yes, I just incriminate myself completely. Yes, I know at this point that it was rape. But it will still be hard, if not impossible, for me to prove that it was rape, since we were the only two people present, it's his word against mine, and I allowed him into my apartment. I know that he shouldn't have taken advantage of me, but if at any point I had just said, "I have herpes," I wouldn't be torturing myself over it now.

I do realize that the likelihood of him suing me is relatively low. However, I am still terrified of this (I don't have a lot of money). And I don't know how I could possibly prove that he raped me. I was really drunk, but I feel like this happens on college campuses all the time (I'm way past college). I'm not saying that makes it okay, but it does make me feel like I wouldn't have a case. Also, the people I have told (my two sisters and my aunt because they're the only ones who know about my herpes) have been supportive, but they don't seem to consider this "rape." My aunt even said, "maybe you said 'no' but your actions made it seem like you didn't really mean it." As messed up of a thought as that is, I feel like that is the prevailing opinion around these sorts of things. They do think he's an asshole who took advantage of me, but I'm afraid that isn't enough to ease my mind about possibly giving someone herpes. Regardless of whether he "deserves" it or not, I don't want to be the one to have put him at risk. Since that night, I have been feeling sore and itchy down there, and I am worried that I'm going to have an outbreak. In that case, doesn't that mean I could have been shedding at the time, and thus more contagious? I don't know my body well enough around outbreaks, because I only ever had the first one 10 months ago, but I am very aware of any off-feeling down there and I definitely feel off.. I am also afraid to confront him about the sexual assault/non-consensual sex situation. I don't know why, but I tried to compose a text to him yesterday and was too afraid to send it. Re: the bag...since I live alone in an apartment and don't have a doorman, I would need to meet him to give it to him (I don't want him coming back here). I do realize that I don't have any obligation to return it, but I don't know how to say that to him...like..."I don't want to see you again because you sexually assaulted me, so can I just drop it in the mail?" I can't imagine that going over well. I really appreciate everyone's feedback. I guess the liability part really doesn't ease my mind, but it is good to have that information. I am seeing my therapist tomorrow and I'm really hoping she'll be able to help me start to work through the emotional pieces of this.

The condom is in my garbage (which I still have in my apartment). He did not "finish" though - so is it worth saving? While I understand you often can't prove how someone has contracted herpes, I know who my giver was (just as an example) because I hadn't had sex with anyone for over a year before him. Once I showed symptoms, I had a blood test immediately, which was negative (several weeks later it was positive), so I knew it was a new infection. So, theoretically he could prove it that way, although I assume he is more sexually active based on his behavior. Also, I just realized a little bit earlier that he left a gym bag here (he texted me to ask about it, and I found it). So now I'm going to have to see him again to get it back to him. I really don't want to - but he is insisting. I know I should be focusing more on myself, but it's like the social stigma against rape is louder in my head than the one against herpes and I'm blaming myself for getting so drunk and letting this happen :(

Thank you for the replies and information. I am in therapy and I am seeing my therapist on Monday. This happened on Thursday night and I spent most of yesterday processing it. I will call the hotline you linked to and see what they have to say, but at this point, I've already showered and done all of my laundry, so I don't think there would be any evidence to preserve... The thing is - I feel like this would be a he said/she said type of thing if he ended up pressing charges against me (I don't want to press charges against him; I just want to put this behind me). Also, he has been texting me since the other night and I don't think he realizes that what he did was wrong (he's asking to see me again, and not acting like he did anything wrong). Every time he texts me I feel guilty and scared even if I wasn't completely in the wrong. Also, while I don't know everything that happened that night, I do know we used my condoms (the box was out), which means I got them out, because he wouldn't have known where they were. So, in some way, even though I don't have a recollection of it, I am afraid that he could say I consented. I do agree this was rape. I don't think it is provable that he raped me. But he could certainly prove that I knew I had herpes before we had sex (I mean, there are medical records, I get a rx for valtrex filled every month, I told my last boyfriend...it's not exactly like I've been hiding it). I would like to just put this behind me, and I think I could do that if I wasn't constantly worrying that he is going to get herpes and destroy my life over it.

Yes - that was a typo...I meant that it is illegal to have sex without informing the person first :) Thank you for your reply; I do realize that what he did was wrong and possibly illegal. I've never been in this kind of situation before, and every other guy I've gone out with has known that "no means no." This is part of what makes it so confusing - because I feel angry and violated over what he did, but also so guilty for not disclosing my condition. I know what he did was wrong, and regardless of whether he deserves to know about my herpes or not, I think I need to tell him in case he wants to be responsible for himself. I also feel totally guilty for not telling him about my condition, even though - as I go over it in my head - I can't really think of how I would have/could have brought it up. I had no intention of having sex with him at any point in the night. I have read several cases about people suing over herpes transmission. I think it's less likely I could go to jail, but he could sue me. Apart from ruining my life and destroying my financial stability, lawsuits are public record, so anyone could then find out about my condition (future employers, landlords, etc.) I know this is probably still an unlikely outcome, but my guilt and shame over this is destroying my ability to be reasonable.

I am a 29f, diagnosed with HSV2 in January 2014. I had a primary outbreak and have been on valtrex since, with no subsequent outbreaks. I started seeing someone new, and I told him about it before we had sex. He was very accepting and never got it from me, but we broke up for other reasons recently. After we broke up, I worried (and still worry) about telling the next person (the original disclosure was extremely difficult for me), but I promised myself that I would always disclose before sex. I've also never had casual sex, so I didn't think about the need to disclose to someone I had no (or, now, negative) feelings for. This brings me to my current problem. I really don't know what to do: I participate in a social/recreational sports league, and after our games (dodgeball), we usually go to a league sponsored happy hour. The other night, I was at one of these happy hours and had more to drink than I had planned/realized (I ended up playing flip cups - a drinking game). I don't usually drink very much at all, so this affected me and I was quite drunk (to the point where I don't remember everything that happened that night). Over the course of the night I spent a lot of time talking to/flirting with one of the guys in the league (not someone I had ever met before). At the end of the night he walked me home, commenting that I was really drunk and he was worried about me getting home safely. We kissed a lot on the walk home. When we got to my place he asked if he could come in because he lives far away and didn't want to go home. Yes, this was stupid and yes, my judgement was impaired. Anyway, I said, "you can come inside and you can even stay over, but this is not an invitation to have sex. I really, really do not want to have sex tonight." So, he said he completely understood and came inside. We were lying on my bed, kissing, and I fell asleep. When I woke up, he had taken off my clothes and was trying to get me to make out with him. I don't remember everything, but I remember saying I didn't want to have sex again. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but we did end up having sex. He did use a condom. Now, I really don't know what to do. I am absolutely tortured by what has happened because 1) I feel totally disrespected and taken advantage of - nothing like this has EVER happened to me before. If I have told a guy "no" up front, he has not persisted like that and basically ignored my requests. 2) I have herpes and he does not know, so now I feel incredibly guilty about that. I know I should have said something, but I was so out of it, that I really didn't even process what was happening. I am so afraid that now he will get herpes and sue me or take me to court or have me arrested. I am so scared that one stupid night has really ruined my life (like - way worse than having herpes would). In my state, the public health laws state that it is illegal to engage in sexual activity when you knowingly have a contagious venereal disease. Also, telling him would probably not help my fears at this point, because he could still sue me, have me arrested, etc. anyway since I didn't tell him beforehand. At the same time, I will inform him, for moral reasons. I don't know if I will see or speak to him again, though. I was thinking - even though it's not the strongest thing to do - of using one of those anonymous texting sites to let him know he may have been exposed to herpes and that he should get tested (I don't know if anyone has seen these sites, but I have - I haven't used one before). I know that is a cowardly thing to do but I really don't want to speak to/see him again. Even though it probably wouldn't count as rape, I feel violated and disgusting and ashamed. This is worse than how I felt when I found out I had herpes (because at least then I made a decision to have sex with a person I cared about, even if it had ended up badly). Anyway...I don't even really know what I'm asking for here - I guess advice on how to deal with this? Is there anyway I can "right" the wrong? Is there any way to have this not destroy my life if he decides to take legal action against me? I'm sorry this was so long - this has been eating me up inside for the past two days. This is probably the worst thing I have ever done.