cloacina

Thank you. I'm scheduled to take a repeat test at my doctors suggestion mid-this month. I have always been generally healthy, so the health anxiety cycle, as you say, is a New thing. But you're right about stress, and I really need some sort of stress-management program. I feel better that you commented about your symptoms not being typical either. That eases my mind.

I really appreciate how genuine you are. Your words are very kind. Trust me, I know the "diseases" I have are not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things. In my first post, I had just been diagnosed and pretty much ok with it. Its not life stopping. My poor, angelic mother is bedridden with horrible diseases, and she is still young at 55 years old. In comparison, I'm lucky to have just gotten away with just those parting gifts from my ex, rather than to still be stuck in a psychologically abusive relationship for 33 years and having a multitude of autoimmune diseases in aggressive states. I'm lucky. There was a shooting in my hometown a few weeks ago, and these two beautiful young ladies were killed just because they decided to go to see a movie at a movie theatre. I am lucky and so very grateful. Dealing with emotions are tricky. I feel selfish for my feelings sometimes. I see all of the injustices going on in the world and my heart hurts. I am happy for the wonderful things I do have. Yeah, I have lost so much and I nearly ended my own life to get out of the abusive relationship I was in, but I have two beautiful children that I couldn't leave behind or keep them subjected to the daily torture my ex put us all through. I'm grateful. I am grateful for you because twice now you have helped me through some tough times as I am sifting through these emotions. You don't even know me, but your kindness has sincerely helped me. My friends don't seem to understand or get it. My mother is my guiding light and anchor in this life, but sharing my feelings with her feels so selfish. I would rather listen to her than talk about my problems, but generally she insists. Anyway, thank you. I am sorry for the pain you went through. It does teach us, and you are so right about that. And I guess the only reason I'm worried about HIV is because I had symptoms that were not typical of HSV2 but were more typical of HIV. My ex was with so many females while we were together, and most of them were strangers, escorts (or whatever they are called these days), and fellow meth heads. It just scares me. I really have not had many partners, and only 2 in the last 11 years (with a year separating them). I feel so naive about all of this too. The only sex ed talk I got as a kid / young adult was if I had sex before I was married, I'd burn in damnation in hellfire and eternal agony. So I'm left to my own devices, and while WebMD is helpful, sometimes it just scares the poop out of me.

It really comes and goes in waves. I guess, I thought I dealt with the anger, but sometimes it just creeps up on me. I think about all of the injustices and I didn't have a voice in that relationship. I am scared of getting the results back and the doctor saying I'm positive for HIV along with the HPV and herpes. I'm not ready to get that test done again. Generally, fear manifests as anger. I did feel better writing that out, especially because I enjoy writing, and that was one of my talents that got squashed. I'm starting to practice again...and this poor first attempt made me feel a little better. I can't share these feelings with friends because they don't understand why I'm just not totally ecstatic to be rid of him. It still hurts so much. To have loved so deeply and that love turned into something putrid and vile by the person you loved, then finding out it was ALL a lie. Everything. The man I fell in love with never existed, nor did the love he said he had for me. Then the avalanche of the lies, hurt, pain, neglect, abandonment, and abuse, and all of those tears...all meant nothing. Getting another diagnosis pales in comparison to having your soul violently betrayed and drug across broken glass. But I'm still scared. I don't know. I am getting better. I don't feel this way all of the time. It sometimes just hits me... I hope that I can help somehow by posting that someone's not alone. I know what it's like to feel isolated and so very alone in this gigantic, scary world.

Rapidly boiling water trapped inside is making the kettle scream and shake to be taken off the fire. Completely engulfed in flames, the panicked alarms cry a deafening cry as the building burns. Earth rumbles and violently quakes as the volcano spews sticky lava into the unsuspecting sky. Columns of putrid smoke choke the life surrounding the magma vomited out of the giant rock. Havoc ensues. I have this rage overflowing inside of me. I have violent fires of anger engulfing my heart and soul. Visions of burning paper come to mind. My mind is full of plumes of smoke. It'll pass, they say. Let it go, they say. Just calm down, they say. Distract yourself with hobbies, they say. I have been practicing self-avoidance for long enough, and I want to feel this in full force. I want to feel the fire take over and I want to lose my breath as I choke on the toxic fumes. No more polite considerations for the feelings of others when I feel so hurt and they just don't understand how someone can not be ok all of the time. No more faking happiness when I feel so dead inside. No more acceptance. Just fire. Just rage. I need to feel this so I can face this. I need to face this so I can understand this. I need to understand this so I can control this. I need to control this so it's no longer a weakness that can be controlled by others. It will no longer be a weakness when that wound can be healed. I had come so far in my healing. I began to feel ok for the first time in a very long time. I started to be able to enjoy life instead of anxiously awaiting for the next dramatic incident to take over my life. It began as a smolder. In almost a sudden wave, that smolder turned into a forest fire. It was so quick and came out of nowhere. Then the rage engulfed me. Normally, a kind, awkwardly quiet, pacifist was seeking revenge. I would ne'er dream of seeking revenge on the demon that plagued my life for 3 years, but on those like him. A small part of me waits for the doctor's call to say I have HIV, so I can seek revenge. Logically, this would be counterproductive and highly illegal. My moral character wouldn't allow that. I can't help being so angry when faced with the fact that I have given my heart, mind, body, and soul freely to men I loved and they can treat it as if it's nothing but disposable waste. My heart, my body, my mind, my soul all meant absolutely nothing. The fire dies as its drowned in tears.

Hi, looking for a h-buddy in the Houston, Tx area. I'm a 33 year old single mom of 2. Recently diagnosed (about 5 months). No gender preference really. Other single parents would be awesome. I have a toddler and a pre-teen.

@Stillmebutwiser, thank you for commenting. That's one of the reasons I was drawn to share my story here. You all are so supportive! And you know, the herpes part isn't the part I hurt so much from. I'm reading and getting information, And getting used to the symptoms I'm having and I'm adapting. I was introduced to herpes several years ago, although I didn't understand it. There was this stunningly, gorgeous girl with a heart of gold and one of the most creative people I've met, who had gotten herpes from her boyfriend. He treated her so bad and was well beneath her because she was such a kind person. She stayed with him and subjected herself to his mind fuckery simply because she now had herpes. I couldn't get over that injustice. I lost contact with her when I met my son's father because I let him and his jealousy dictate my life and friends. I think about her a lot these days and wonder how she is. I lost contact with so many people...wonderful people. I can't help but feel a little selfish sharing so much, but it feels good to get it out. I have a therapist, and she's great, but I think there's a lot I need to do on my own. Thank you for saying the word, "narcissist". That's my ex. Full-blown NPD amongst other things (paranoid, schizoid). Anyone that's come into contact with these people are in for a hell of a ride. I don't hate him, though. I don't want to give him that control or power over me. He was a messenger. My father was a hellfire and brimstone preacher that abused his family with the teachings of God. His favorite was screaming the scariest parts of Revelations at his family because that's what We were to expect for not living up to my (earthly) fathers expectations! He thought that we should worship him as a god because he was chosen by God! It took my ex being so horrible to me for me to realize what my father was (also a sociopath). It sounds crazy, I'm sure, But it took almost dying for me to realize that I didn't have to prove my worth to anyone! I no longer had to justify my life or even being alive to these horrible people because I came to know me through it all. I knew I was an amazing person. I have two beautiful children that loved and depended on me. I decided a long time ago that my wounds come from deep within, and I need to heal those wounds to love myself unconditionally as I have loved others. At the end of the day, I'm the only person that can treat me with the love I deserve, and As WCS Dancer says, that will help me find people who will treat me like I deserve to be treated. It really does start within yourself. That has been the biggest blessing through all of this, although I do struggle with it some days.

I'm in tears. That video was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. One of the very first things she said was about people that don't feel shame or human emotions like empathyand that struck a huge nerve. He is completely incapable of empathy. I could not wrap my mind around it for the longest time. How is it possible to not feel empathy? Compassion? Love? That's why I pity him. I love dogs, and I have rescued and fostered them. But if one had rabies or was so aggressive and could not be rehabilitated, then I was going to do everything in my power not to get bit by it. That's how I feel about him now. I pity him, But like hell if I'd let him bite me again. I loved the message of the video. I'm a believer in love. I just spent so much time rescuing other people that I neglected myself. I think You are 100% right that we dictate how people treat us. I'm sorry your daughter went through that. Loving an addict is one of the hardest things I ever failed at. I couldn't love him enough to treat him. But then again looking back, the man I loved never existed. Loving a sociopath will kill you or at least violate you to your core. I too had a "spiritual awakening". I was contemplating suicide to get out. I was completely hopeless. Then something happened. I wrote out my letter, and never got beyond that point. I realized all of the good in my life worth fighting for. He started going after my 10 year old daughter, and the warrior in me emerged. God had shown me my purpose, and that was to protect my children. I can't protect them if I'm dead or almost dead. I awoke. I'm going off on a tangent, and I apologize. Adrial invited me to the weekend. But I still battle with fear and mild agoraphobia. I don't think I'm quite ready, but I pray that this time next year, I will have healed to the point of no fear. I need to connect with people. I've isolated myself for So long. I think being surrounded by a bunch of awesome, amazing people would be good for me later, but I think it would be too much too fast for me. I hope I don't sound silly. Thank you again for sharing. Its been a long time since I cried happy tears.

Thank you for commenting. Sharing is the hardest part right now because I still have so much fear. Interestingly, people have been strangely more sympathetic about herpes than they have been about being in an abusive relationship. I didn't choose being a "victim" of abuse. No one does. He was/is a master manipulator. He had everyone fooled. I'm not the first, nor will I be the last, but now that I'm out, I'll be damned if I go through that again. You have said numerous times to use herpes as your wingman. I really like that. Only truly amazing people would look past the superficial to see the beauty inside. I had no idea about herpes, except that its one of the "bad, incurable" one's. I did research, put the puzzle pieces together, and looked back, and I realized when I had my first outbreak. I was running a high fever, shaking, my parts were literally on fire, and I remember telling him that it was so bad that I wanted to go to the ER. I begged him to be honest...pleaded...I wanted him to tell me the truth. But he just sat there, and said, "do what you gotta do". He couldn't care less. He was there when the doctor told me I had HPV from my pregnancy screening. He has screamed, "thanks for the STD, whore!" so many times...and I was completely devoted, faithfully to him, while he had sex with So many strangers and meth buddies and exes (denied it vehemently, as he did the drugs). When I went in a couple of months ago for the complete STD panel, I knew I had something. My uterus was swollen and my parts hurt like crazy. My discharge was neon orange! I had no sores on the outside, but I did have sores on my cervix. My doctor never said herpes though. I got the call from the nurse a week later, and it's the first time in my life I was like, "please be chlamydia or gonorrhea!" Those are curable. But she said herpes, and I was honestly devastated, But relieved it wasn't one of the more serious ones, but I still have to get tested again in 3 months, just to be sure of syphilis and HIV. I have told 5 people about the herpes, and they were like, "I'm so sorry" like my life had ended, but I just said, it could have been worse. I could have let him take me down with him....I almost did. On the other hand, I have had more judgments from people about being in an abusive relationship. The one that really hurt the most was the judge overseeing the custody hearing. She said, "you knew what kind of man he was and had a baby with him. You get what you deserve." My jaw dropped to the floor! I was like, "No I didn't! The charming guy I met turned into a psychopathic meth addict!" But I said nothing, just cried. I desperately want to protect my children from him, and despite what the judge said, she did give me sole custody of my baby boy and gave him supervised visits through a court program. Others have said the "you get what you deserve" thing about being in an abusive relationship, but the people that truly love me know I deserve so much better. And so do I. I'm not as strong as I'd like to be yet, but I'll get there...eventually. Thank You again for your kind words.

Hello, I am new here. I was hesitant about sharing, but I really felt inspired to share because these forums are the most supportive that I've come across so far. I got herpes from a very abusive, meth-addicted, narcissistic sociopath. I loved the bastard, and we have a beautiful son...or I do. I was conned into believing he was my "soul mate" until the his mask slipped and the real him was exposed. It almost killed me. He was more interested in leading a secret life of copious amounts of meth-induced sex and thugging and rocknrolling than having anything positive to do with his family. He used us and raged at us or ignored (abandoned) us if He didn't get to continue living his life as he wanted without accountability or responsibility. I'm more bitter about the lies, the abuse, the stealing, the utter betrayal to disgusting levels, the abandonment, the cruelty, the neglect, and the trauma from complete emotional annihilation than I am about the herpes (and HPV). He doesn't even care about anything or anyone. Period. Not even himself. Its pitiable, but he likes it that way because he can continue living HIS life and leaving a wake of destruction in his path. I'm left with picking up the pieces, but it's massively better without him directly in my life. I am learning to love myself after all of this...it's really just been a few months since the police escorted / kicked him off of my property. He's constantly bothering me, stalking me, and slinging my name through the mud, but I'm getting better every day. My self esteem is still in the cellar. I am rebuilding myself from The inside out. I know I'm an amazing and beautiful person on the inside, but I still feel utterly hideous on the outside. The STDs have nothing to do with it, though. I have no doubt that if God decided to put a man in my life that's perfect for me, herpes won't be a big deal. I guess, that's just it. I don't ever want to date again. All of my relationships have been traumatizing and just plain sucked. I'm taking accountability for my bad decisions and healing myself. I do want companionship one day when I'm good and healed, but I have relinquished my place in the dating pool for now. There is so much for me to learn and everything that's happened, including the STDs, happened for a bigger reason. I don't view it as a life-stopper. I mean, I got out alive. Even though I have battle wounds, I'm alive. And I can heal. PS- I am exceedingly grateful this site and You amazing people exist. I knew nothing about herpes before I found this site. Its truly amazing what I've learned!