JingleBelle

I just left a similar comment on Katie's thread... I know it is so hard. Especially when you really like the person. Don't stop reading those success stories!! Let them inspire you for the next time. Because I promise they will not always end in rejection. I've dealt with rejection and it definitely sucks. However looking back, I now realize those guys would have been terrible long term partners anyway! Spend some time on these forums reading, educating yourself, and asking any questions you have! The more you know the easier it is to accept that it's really just a little annoying part of your life now. And remember, people get rejected for all kinds of reasons. I know I've rejected guys for some pretty ridiculous stuff. It happens. But when it's right, those little things won't matter. Including herpes. Try to think of it more of a small fact about you rather than a massive hurdle. It might seem impossible now...but I promise it DOES get better!! Hang in there!!

I'm so sorry. Rejection sucks. I know there's not much I can say to take away that hurt. BUT. It will not always go like that! I'm currently in a relationship and my boyfriend was wonderful about it when I told him. The good news is, you got your first disclosure out of the way! Next time it will be easier. I don't know how long you've been on this forum, but there is some great advice on here. I've been where you are...but many years have gone by, and the more time goes by and the more I learn about it, the more insignificant it's become in my life. I recommend heading over to the success stories page and reading as many of those as you can. Because there ARE people out there who will not reject you. I've had a few rejections, but I've had many more successes. (I WISH some of those guys had rejected me to save me from terrible relationships that ensued...but that's another story ;)) Take some time to heal yourself, dust yourself off, and get back up again! You can do it!! Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk!

Oh my gosh he sounds awful! You dodged a bullet there. It's one thing to make the choice to not put yourself at risk, but to not even have the decency to treat you with respect at the end of the date is inexcusable!! Any guy who would just get up and leave to go sit alone and delete you so fast sounds like a selfish jerk. And if he is only interested in being casual with people he has probably put himself at risk more often than not considering most people don't even know they have it. Anyway, don't let this knock you off your game!! There are plenty of people on here who have had much success with casual dating, one night stands, and FWBs! I have had more acceptances than rejections, and the 2 rejections I did have, the guys treated me with nothing but respect and decency. Rejection happens...for millions of reasons. But the majority of people will at least treat you like a human being. So don't think that all men will be such jerks!!

I completely understand the agony!! It's the worst part. Guys like your coworker are what makes dating so awful. They think it's no big deal to leave you hanging and just ghost! Not all guys are like that though and the ones that are worth it will have the decency to be honest about their feelings (or lack there of). Have you been hearing from him this week?

I think you're over analyzing! It sounds like he has still been initiating contact and you are the one that has been busy. Most people need some time to process it all anyway so it wouldn't be unusual if he pulled back a little but that doesn't sound like the case. I've only had 2 rejections and one guy told me upfront he needed time to think and then after about a day told me he couldn't continue. And the second guy still talked to me for about a week before he eventually ghosted but his texting behavior changed so drastically it was pretty obvious. That's just my experience. I know it can be super hard doing the whole wait and see thing but that's really all you can do right now. My current boyfriend said something similar when I told him...he was like I wouldn't worry about it. Meanwhile of course that's ALL I was doing. The first few days were the hardest because I was reading into every little interaction and word exchanged looking for clues....scared he would disappear. Eventually I was finally able to relax and realize he wasn't going anywhere. So don't worry!! I think if it was an absolute deal breaker he would have told you up front or at least dropped out of contact more. Just try to relax and distract yourself...you don't want to start giving off weird vibes to him lol. You could always ask him how he's feeling about it after you give him some time to process, but I would really take the wait and see approach. Do you have any plans coming up with him?

It DOES get better and you WILL get to that point!! I've definitely been where you've been. I know it can be so hard to not get caught up in the moment and get carried away. Especially in today's dating culture. I highly recommend trying to date differently and holding off on the physical aspects for a little while. Get to know the person, form a bond, get close without getting naked. I've found that being in a good place with the person and feeling comfortable with them makes it easier to have that talk. There's lots of posts about letting H be your wingman. And it's SO true!! I have weeded out so many jerks because I didn't feel like I was comfortable enough to disclose to them...so therefore didn't sleep with them. And 100% of the time they turned out to be jerks anyway who really only wanted to get in my pants! Definitely saved myself lots of heartache where in another life, I would have slept with them. Some people will reject you...but some also won't. Either way it's not the end of the world. I've been rejected for plenty of reasons besides H. I've rejected people for plenty of reasons too. It's all a part of dating. It can be hard not to take it personally, but it's really no different than being rejected for something else out of your control, like your height for example. No matter what you are rejected for, it hurts. But there WILL be other guys! I think once you can feel ok about it and realize that it's not a huge deal, you will be able to have the talk with confidence and less emotion. And in my experience those talks go MUCH better than the crazy emotional freakout talks! Educate yourself with the facts and read all the great success stories here! And feel free to message me or any of the other great people on this forum when you want to talk it out! I know from experience it helps SO much.

She absolutely should have been saying those things!! I can't help but think of how this story would sound if the roles were reversed. Imagine if you had a sister or close female friend who was dating a guy they were crazy about. And subtract any other issues, but what if she came to you and told you that her guy had been pressuring her to have sex and she wasn't ready for that step. And that he broke up with her and treated her the same way you are being treated because he needed her to have sex with him in order to feel accepted. I have a feeling you would tell your friend to run! (sadly that's a dialog I've encountered far too many times). Pressuring someone into something they are not ready for is never ok...and that shouldn't be overlooked just because in this situation it is the female doing the pressuring. No matter what other outside factors may come into play, a healthy relationship consists of both partners respecting each others boundaries and moving forward at a pace they are both comfortable with. You deserve better...don't ever settle for less!

So happy for you @Miji69!!!!

I've generally had good experiences. I've only had 2 rejections. One guy was purely for his own health reasons, as he already had some sort of nerve thing that it could have caused some complications with (so he says). We are still friends and to this day he tells me he regrets it. The other guy slowly ghosted me, but I didn't really like him all that much anyway. And I figured he probably wouldn't stick around even before I told him. Other than that, the other guys have all stuck around. Including a couple who only wanted a friends with benefits thing. Which was pretty surprising. I knew my current guy had developed feelings already and I just could feel in my gut that he would stick around. Of course I was still nervous! But thankfully my gut was right! Have you read through the success stories? I pumped myself up with those. I wanted to focus on a good outcome instead of worrying about a bad one. We can never know for sure how someone will react, but once you get a good sense of the person it should be a good indicator.

Don't feel like that!! It is a word that makes people freak. I totally get it. Have the convo how it works best for you. If you'd rather say HSV then def do that! Just don't bury the message too deep, you know? It is definitely better to be matter of fact and confident. Don't let your emotions carry you away. It sounds like there's a really good possibility he May have given this to you. Just remember that....he doesn't know until he gets tested too. Sounds like from what you've said about him he will be kind and respectful no matter what the outcome.

I agree with @leanne27. I read so many posts where people kind of dance around the actual disclosure words, and I considered it myself, but it seems to me too much can get lost in the message and there's a lot of room for misunderstanding. Personally, if my guy is gonna be ok with it I want to know that he's OK with it. Not that he's confused about the hsv gene and carriers. I know it can be scary to say the words "I have herpes" but saying them isn't going to make a difference. People either accept it or they don't. And I feel like it's better to get it out there than to potentially have him misunderstand what you mean or interpret that there's no risk, and then in the future be mad because "you said you are a carrier of a gene for hsv not that you have herpes!" It's all personal preference I guess but that's just my 2 cents. And I've had many successful disclosures all the same. Good luck!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I will start by saying part of me understands where she's coming from...to a point. As women, at least in my experience, we are pretty much bombarded by guys wanting sex. So even other issues aside, it starts to feel weird when you meet a guy who doesn't try to pressure you for sex on the first few dates. Sad but true. So to go from a guy being 100% ready to go, to him not wanting to after disclosure, it can feel like a bit of a rejection. I've had those thoughts about some guys I've dated. But it sounds like she may not be at the point in processing all of this where she can separate sex from building a relationship. That being said, it sounds like you did everything right in telling her how you were feeling and being honest with her. It's absolutely your right to want to take things slow. You sound like a wonderful guy and she is lucky to have someone so caring and understanding. Hopefully she sees that!! I don't know why she would want to throw everything away when you've told her how you're feeling. If you're the first person she's told since her diagnosis, she may be having trouble seeing that acceptance doesn't necessarily mean sex right away. I hope that given time, she can learn to separate the two. That's just my guess, there could be more at play. But since there's been some time that's passed since you talked, maybe you can try reaching out and really sit down and have a heart to heart about the situation. Regardless, you need a partner who is willing to respect your wants and needs as well. Good luck!

There is nothing wrong with wanting to get to know someone more before you disclose something so personal about yourself. It has to feel right to you. I think your intuition can tell you a lot. I know people are pretty unpredictable with how they will react, and I've been surprised both ways, but if you have a good sense of how he feels about you what kind of guy he is that can be a pretty good indicator of how it will go. However, if he decides it's not something he wants to stick around for, I wouldn't give up!! I know most people don't come back to update their stories of rejection, but I'm willing to bet if they did they would reflect on how they see now that that person wasn't the "perfect only person for them". I know in my experience, I look back and am thankful those ended when they did because I see now that they were completely wrong for me. I think it sounds like you are at the point where you probably need to get it out there and get that weight off your shoulders. And better to find out sooner than later if it's not going to work out. Feel free to message me if you need to talk it out!! Sending good vibes your way!

I had the same worries in my current relationship. He wasn't pushing for sex like most guys so I let thinks progress for a while first. I knew he had fallen pretty deeply for me and I for him, and I started to feel a little guilty. But at the end of the day, it's all in why feels right for you. I finally decided I didn't want it hanging over my head anymore. I wanted to be able to enjoy the fun beginning stages of our relationship without it constantly being in my thoughts "oh that plan next month sounds great (if we're still together)" things like that. And I also had a feeling it wouldn't be long before he asked me to be his girlfriend and I didn't want to have to ruin that moment with my disclosure talk! So I finally picked a day, psyched myself up, practiced and went for it. And I'm so glad I did bc he was great about it and it hasn't been an issue at all. And now I can enjoy it all! Just know that there is no right or wrong amount of time. It's good to develop a connection with someone and feel comfortable with them first. My advice would be to try not to get emotional and don't act like its a huge deal. Bc it's not!! I've found over the years I have carved my talk down to a short matter of fact statement and a few facts thrown in. If they want more info be ready to give it. And if they want more space let him know that's fine too. But if he truly cares for you he will listen and be respectful no matter what his decision. Practice as much as you can so you get comfortable with what you are going to say and read some success stories for inspiration. If you need someone to chat with feel free to message me!

I've struggled with this question myself. It's hard to find the right balance of waiting to get to know someone and having it go too long. Most guys I've dated have pushed for sex REALLY soon into it (which I'm not comfortable with regardless). But that usually leads to disclosing sooner rather than later. I was on a 3rd date with a guy who I felt a super strong connection with when he brought up his dealbreakers, STDs being one of them...which led to me telling him. He ended up being one of only 2 rejections I've had and I think the reason it was so hard on me was because I wasn't mentally prepared to disclose to him that early. Ironically a year later he still tells me what a mistake he made and how he hasn't been able to find someone so great. Now my current boyfriend was different from them all. He didn't push for sex at all. We formed a deep emotional connection and i started to feel the same way you do, about whether or not it was wrong to let it get too far. However, I knew in my gut that he was so crazy about me that I really didn't even think he would walk away. I was a little worried that he would ask me to be his girlfriend before I could tell him, and then I'd have to "ruin the moment" and have the talk. So I finally just decided I couldn't take it anymore and wanted to get it over with. If I had to get hurt I wanted to rip off the bandaid. And I wanted to be able to enjoy the early stages of our relationship! I wanted to be excited when he suggested plans weeks and months down the road. I wanted to meet his friends and have him meet mine without it being in the back of my head that it could be temporary. And I am SO glad I finally did it because he was very accepting and didn't let it bother him, and now I can enjoy all the little parts of our developing relationship! So I think most importantly, decide what is right for YOU. You need to feel that the time is right. I think a lot of times we get so caught up on what our partner will think and what is right for them, we forget to look out for ourselves! It's ok to be selfish and decide you need more time getting comfortable with someone. But if it's always a dark cloud over your head, get it out there so you can enjoy your budding romance!! It's not worth it to miss out on all the fun!

I used to have the same kind of thoughts. Seeing the guy who gave it to me get multiple girlfriends, have kids, see his exes who also have it find plenty of guys to date...it's hard. I get it. But this is only a small part of your life right now. Regardless of this, we all go through times where we are single, can't seem to find anyone to date. It just happens that way sometimes. Herpes rarely has anything to do with it. You WILL heal. There WILL be a woman (or multiple women) who will love you and accept this. I've had many successful disclosures and relationships over the years. As have many people on this forum (and beyond!)...check out all those success stories!! Your 2 exes are perfect examples! They didn't let this slow them down. If you want my personal opinion, I think you should focus on your life and feeling better about you first. It sounds cliche but it's true...you have to love yourself first before someone else can. If you're unhappy with yourself and your life, work on bettering you! Make some small changes at first and things will fall into place. I've run into many guys in my dating life that are in similar situations and I always feel that they should work on getting to a better place in life before trying to find a date. Things will start looking up..I promise!!

I had something similar happen that I thought was the start of an OB...but it was like nothing I'd ever experienced or heard of before....Turned out to be a bartholin cyst. That sounds more like what you may be experiencing based on the hard lump. To be honest, I'd rather have an OB any day over that cyst...that was way more painful and annoying than anything!

I love this! So happy for you!! And I think it's important for there to be lots of posts like this because the reality is, it DOES get better!!!

How long has it been? And I'm assuming he hasn't made any move to end your relationship. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I think he probably just got hit with the reality of it for the first time and just needs to process it in his own way. I'm sure when you talked about it initially it seemed like an intangible thing to him, and now this just made it feel more "real". I would give him a little space and see if things improve. And if not, have a talk with him and tell him how this is making you feel. He may not even realize he's doing it. Hang in there!!

Yea I wasn't so sure about that part. I mean I had been on dates too...it just seems to be how things go with online dating. I didn't think it was too big a deal since we never discussed being exclusive and it's still early. . Of course it still bothers me though because that's how I am haha. What got me was his willingness to broach the topic and find out if I was dating anyone. It made me think maybe he will be willing to stick around after all. Who knows though...my dating experiences havent been the greatest...regardless of the herpes!

@optimist thanks so much for your reply!! That is EXACTLY how I get...in any situation!! I'm trying to be better at just rolling with it but that's easier said than done!!

Hi everyone. I'm new here. I've been lurking for a few weeks and have been in awe at the knowledge and support that everyone has been bringing to all their posts. I only wish I had found this place sooner!! I've had hsv 2 for about 10 years and I feel that I'm finally at a place of acceptance. It has definitely made me move much slower in relationships and weed out a lot of people that really had no potential. So I definitely am onboard with the wingman theory. I came here to post today because I just disclosed to the guy I'm dating and I'm in this awful waiting stage where all I do is over think everything. And after reading everyone else's stories and all the support and opinions on these boards, I decided to put this out there and maybe ease my mind a bit. So I've only had one rejection in my experience (and he still tells me all the time how much he regrets it). Most have had some hesitation but ultimately decided they were ok with it. The last guy I dated didn't even blink. Just said that's life it happens. That relationship didn't work out but I am glad I got to experience that moment of 100% acceptance. So this new guy I met online and have been dating almost 2 months. We see each other once a week because we live about an hour apart. It's been progressing nicely though and I've been having a great time with him. Things had been heating up physically but I always stopped before it got too far. But I knew we were at the point where I needed to tell him. So this Friday we went to dinner and had some drinks and then went back to my house. Things started heating up pretty quickly so I stopped, took a breath, and just said it. He seemed kind of freaked out. Thanked me for telling him before anything happened. We then resumed kissing/hooking up. He didn't try to go any further with me; which honestly kind of stung because he was so gung ho about it before, but at the same time I was glad because I didn't want him to make any snap decisions in the moment. Afterwards, he thanked me again for telling him and said it was really cool of me to do that because a lot of people wouldn't. I asked him what his thoughts were about it and he said he didn't really know, that he was still trying to digest it all and that he doesn't really know much about it so he'd have to do some research. I said that's totally fine. He asked me how it worked and I said that it's basically like how cold sores work, to which he chimed in and said he gets cold sores every once in a while. So I said well then you have it. And he was like well I know it's a form of it and I said no...that is it. He said well that would mean like 90% of the population does too...and I said well yea which is why it's kind of ridiculous that there's such a stigma about it...and if you research it you'll find that it's true. I told him that he could pass it on to someone just as easily. I gave him some other stats and told him that I rarely get outbreaks and also take medication so the risk would be fairly low. I didn't want to completely overwhelm him or have it turn into me trying to convince him why he should be with me so I left it at that since I felt I had given him a lot to think about. I pretty much expected him to leave at that point, but he asked if I wanted to watch some tv because he wasn't ready to go. So we did and then got to talking again. Here's where it gets confusing for me. He brought up his ex and since we've never really had a super serious talk about past relationships, I took the opportunity to ask questions about his situation. He's in the final stages of getting divorced (I know red flag!). It's been almost a year into the process. Anyway after asking him about certain things with that relationship, he started asking about mine. Then he asked me if I was dating anyone else. I said no and asked if he was. He said no, that he had been on dates but hasn't seen anyone as much as he's seen me. We got off on a tangent but I circled back and asked if there were a lot of other girls. He kind of laughed and said no, I told you it was just some dates but I've spent way more time with you. I have a lot of fun with you. And he said he really hadn't been online dating much lately and deleted his profile. That he doesn't really have time for all that and just wants to live life and have fun with his friends and focus on some of his goals. I asked if that meant he didn't want anything serious right now and he said no that's not it. That he wants to take things slow and make sure it's right. That he's always jumped into relationships and didn't want to make the wrong decisions again. He also said that it's way too much work to date more than one woman at a time. He mentioned how nice it was that we were actually having a serious conversation like this. He also made references to "next time" and "for future reference" and asked a lot about things I like and don't like. He told me that he brags about me to his friends. All things that made me feel like maybe this will work out. I felt pretty good about it all by the time he left actually. But then I didn't hear from him all weekend. And I knew he was going to be busy with his friends so it wasn't super worrisome, however I am a chronic over thinker and the more I replayed it all in my head, the more freaked out I got. I keep thinking about ways I could have done it better, phrased things differently, opened up more....all Monday morning quarterbacking I know. I was debating reaching out to him to check in, but I finally heard from him this morning which was a relief. I am still unsure how this is gonna go though, as he hasn't brought it up or given me any indication of his "answer". I'd appreciate anyone's thoughts, opinions, support...should I bring it up? Wait til (if) I see him again?