Your most successful disclosure

[Bootsychootsy]

What has been your most successful disclosure technique when online dating?

Do you post it in your profile?

Do you bring it up right when you match?

Do you see if there's a connection first through chatting and then bring it up?

Do you bring it up on the first date?

Do you bring it up only when you think it's leading to sex?

Do you bring it up in a funny way?

Do you bring it up in an informational way?

What has worked best for you?

[NJRunnerMom]

I waited until we went on about 7 dates and I could see that things were progressing with the possibility of a future.   I told him in his car at the end of our date as he was dropping me off back home this way we both had an easy out.  Didn't need it because he accepted me and we're in a great relationship right now. 

[Bootsychootsy]

That's great news! Congrats.

How did you go 7 dates without sexual advances though? 

As a guy I worry about waiting that long because the girl would think I'm not into her if I'm not trying to get her into bed, but also when I tell her after that long, she might feel trapped to have to accept it and led on. 

Thoughts?

[NJRunnerMom]

All of our dates consisted of a walk and then dinner so we were never in a position where sex was an option.  He had his kids full time so he couldn't invite me there and because of my H status I didn't invite him into my home.   

I worried about that too but if in a months time someone felt trapped then they probably aren't for you anyway.   

I will say that when I disclosed and we started talking he did say to me that he thought I didn't like him in a sexual way and I made sure to tell him that I had to tell him this before going further.  By him saying that it made me realize that if I would've waited any longer I'm not sure if he would've been out meeting other women.   But we never talked about being exclusive or dating before my disclosure so technically I didn't have to tell him anything since we weren't sexual at that time. 

[Bootsychootsy]

How did you word it when you told him? That's my main concern. I'm not sure how to bring it up for the highest chance of success.

 

[Flowerteacher55]

Hello! 

I totally understand your concerns. Sharing something so personal places us at a really vulnerable state, and of course this opens us up to rejection. However, remember that a genuinely kind human will love and respect you unconditionally, regardless of HSV status. Also, even if someone cannot be with you, perhaps because of a condition they already have (immunocompromising conditions) they still can respect you for being so honest. Honesty matters, and frankly, honesty is sexy! 

So, disclosing is a great thing to do. It can feel like one of those you want to get out there so you can stop thinking about it, but the timing and everything really all depends. For example, I had been talking to someone who was in the military and would be making a large trip to see me, so although I would have preferred to tell him in person, I told him about my herpes via text. 

Others, I have told in person. Often times I find talking about it in person provides me with the ability to gauge the person's reaction, which is very important. In their reaction you can see many things... Did they respond with kindness? Does it seem they were only interested in physical intimacy? Did they ask show an interest and ask questions? Did they LISTEN, not just hear?

Something that has helped me is create a sort of template for disclosing.

1. Make sure it's a good time. Before you talk about it, make sure the person isn't already upset about something or are at work or a place they may not feel comfortable having the discussion. These all could cause them to have a negative reaction that may lead to miscommunications. 

2. I start out with a setting the stage opener: "Because I see this relationship moving somewhere, I want to be honest and share something with you. Is now a good time?" Make sure they say yes. If they say no, ask them when a good time will be and plan for then.

3. State your diagnosis. 

4. Medical Facts. Here,talking about the biology of the virus. Remember, herpes is a virus, something that many people have, and live healthy sex lives with. You can explain how you got it, how it impacts your life, etc. However, the details you share about how you got it are up to you. 

5. Explain how you can give it to them even without an outbreak (viral shedding) and the risks and possible transmission ways.

6. Offer follow up research that debunks stigmas: provide them with reliable websites that do not permeate stigmas. The CDC, WHO, and Planned Parenthood are reliable websites. 

7. Thank them for listening, and Ask them if they have any questions. Answer what you can. If you don't know an answer, redirect them to a research source above, or encourage them to talk to their doctor. Also, some of the questions they ask may seem rude or just blunt, but for someone who may not know anything about herpes, they may not realize their question is insensitive or assumptive. Remain calm and teacher-like. Breathe and keep on keeping on!  

8. Explain to them that they can take time to think. Even setting a date to reconnect on the issue can be helpful to avoid feeling like you are in a state of unknown worry. Saying "I know you may need time to think about this. Would you want to talk about it again in a few days or a week?"

9. Remain open with communication. Communication is key! Also, do not apologize for your HSV. you have nothing to be ashamed of or sorry for. If this person makes you feel this way, they are not for you at all. You deserve kindness and love and respect!! ❤️

I hope this helps!! 

Sending blessings and light your way! ☀️🌼🌄🌈

[NJRunnerMom]

5 hours ago, Bootsychootsy said:

How did you word it when you told him? That's my main concern. I'm not sure how to bring it up for the highest chance of success.

 

This was the speech I kept repeating to myself.  Of course when the time came I had to improvise but this was the gist of it.  I stated the facts,  made sure that the H word was in there and then pretty much waited to hear his response. I think I also said I hope this is not a deal breaker because the first thing he did was shake his head and say no,  this is not a deal breaker.  And then after that we talked more in depth and I gave the transmission rates,  mentioned that condoms help reduce it,  my main priority is to keep him safe from this,  etc

"There's something important that I've wanted to share with you and I feel that now would be a good time to tell you because I trust you and I care about you.  I  have HSV2 which is the virus responsible for herpes.  It's ultimately a skin condition that's not life threatening and is more of an inconvenience if I have an outbreak, which I've only had 1.   For me this isn't a big deal, and it's only a small part of who I am.  I'm able to manage it well and I take a daily antiviral to keep it supressed. I know this is a lot to absorb and I hope it won't change anything between us because I enjoy your company and I think we have a great connection.  Do you have any questions for me,  or is there anything you want to ask me. I respect whatever decision you make."