How do I go about to tell my girlfriend I may have herpes

[Louis]

For various months now, I have a sort of itch and tingling sensation, and blisters and red colored from time to time. Wasn’t sure what it was but continued normally. A few months after my concern grew I thought about going to the doctor but didn’t. At last I went to the doctor today and she told me it could be herpes so I’m going to the labs tomorrow. I remember that my ex-wife at one certain time told me she had herpes, and truly I forgot to tell my current girlfriend. The reason being I didn’t look for information and got tested at that moment in time and was negative. Its been 10 years or maybe more.  My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years and now I’m thinking about telling her what is happening and I’m afraid of her reaction, how this will affect us and our sex life. She will also question me why I did not do something earlier and why I did not tell her. I feel so anxious and nervous and thinking about how angry my girlfriend will be. I don’t have a dx yet but I believe I need to tell her but I am afraid. We have had a lot of ups and downs, and recently a lot of downs. I feel this will affect our relationship. If I am diagnosed with herpes and my girlfriend gets tested and has herpes also, I think she will never forgive me. Any suggestions?

[Step1LoveYourself]

Yo Louis, be as honest and transparent as you are being on this forum page.

You know as well as I do telling her as soon as possible is the best case scenario for both parties. It is also not a guarantee you or her have herpes. She may even appreciate your honesty more than you think since you were never given 100% confirmation that you do in fact have the condition. She will appreciate your transparency especially if the test comes back negative. 

As far as testing goes, the only real way to get a 100% accurate confirmation whether you are positive is by having the doctor take a swab sample of one of your blisters. If you currently are asymptomatic and are showing no signs of herpes, a blood test can come back as a false negative if your herpes is suppressed. It is most likely your girlfriend will test negative unless if she is currently having an outbreak, regardless if she has it or not.

Most of the time, within 1-2 weeks after contracting herpes from someone, you will have an initial outbreak that is painful and much more significant than any following outbreak. If she never had that, its very probable she also never had herpes. 

For your sake, she will appreciate your honesty, courage, caution going forward in your relationship since blisters are a clear indication of herpes especially if it looks like the realistic pictures online. Be strong and use this opportunity as an up in your relationship by handling this as best as you can.

You will be fine Louis!

 

Best

-Dan

[Louis]

Thanks so much for your words Dan. It gives me strength and courage to talk with her. 

[Flowerteacher55]

Hooray, Louis!

It's so wonderful that Dan's words helped comfort you and give you the strength to be honest. 

Hold your head high; you have no reason to be ashamed. I am sure you are feeling so many feelings; guilt, shame, confusion, fear... but remember, love is the strongest force on the planet. Nothing can come between it! And, honesty and respect for one another's health helps keep love strong! 

If it helps, you could tell your partner that you experienced a rash, so you went to get it checked out, and the doctor is testing it for herpes (which you forgot your ex wife had). Your partner may be upset, but remember, you are upset too. Perhaps by talking about it now and then again when the results arrive, you can both avoid a major argument or miscommunication. Also, she may offer support and comfort as you await these results. Also, as a safety reminder, as you await these results, avoid any physical intimacy with your partner and your lower region. 

When you get the test results, ask the doctor to explain it to you. Sometimes results can be overwhelming and confusing to read, especially blood results. Also, did the doctor swab the area or did they just pull blood? 

Be kind to yourself. Breathe in the good and exhale the worry. You can do this! We are here for you 🙂 

Blessings!

[Louis]

Thank you Flower Teacher. I didn’t think about that, about dating I had a rash. Going to do that. Didn’t think either that it is better to say it now than to tell her once the results come in. The doctor did not do any swab. In fact I thought she was going to have a look , I just gave a description. I’m going to have a blood work and urine samples tomorrow. 

[Flowerteacher55]

Hi,

Yes! It's great to be honest early on, because this way it lessens the burden you feel and helps strengthen your relationship. You are worried, and of course you respect her! You can explain how your ex had it but you honestly didn't think about it until now. You can explain how you would never deceive your partner, and of course you can explain how you've been tested before, etc. Don't omit anything, either; honesty is the best policy! 😊

I'm also surprised she didn't even give an examination or look at the area! 

HSV wouldn't show up in your urine, however the doctor probably just wants to rule out a UTI or bladder infection, or other STIs. Make sure to ask the type of blood test (IgG or IgM or both). 

Keep us posted! 

Blessings!

[Louis]

Thanks. I talked yesterday with my partner. She was very sad and frustrated. She just kept asking with how many woman I have had sexual relationships before being with her. I told her it could be one or many, it doesn’t matter, but she kept asking. And she kept saying why I didn’t tell her before. She cried and I tried to hug her but she swept my arm away. She told me to not sleep beside her , So I slept on the couch . She texted me today that she wants me to send her the lab results and that I keep sleeping apart from her and that once she sees the lab results she will make her decision. I guess if the results come positive she will end the relationship. 

[Flowerteacher55]

Hi,

I am so sorry about this. That is terrible. We cannot control how people respond to us; and how people treat us is a reflection of them, not of you.

It seems she is unfamiliar with the facts about H, such as it doesn't spread by sharing sheets, and it does not indicate how many people you have been with. If it helps, she could read about it and learn about it. You can send her the herpes fact sheet available on this website, linked here: https://assets.website-files.com/5bad419cb04cd52dae8f7a89/60bf0e2878ccd531cb33508d_herpes-opportunity-diagnosis-handout-2021.pdf and also https://assets.website-files.com/5bad419cb04cd52dae8f7a89/60bf0e3302177fcd83cd1752_herpes-opportunity-disclosure-handout-2021.pdf

You did an amazing job being honest, and respecting her space. I am sorry that she was defensive and angry; remember that is a reflection of her and how she is dealing with this situation (kind of inappropriately and immaturely). You didn't deserve that. You are just as upset and worried, and you were so afraid to be honest with her; she should be grateful that you were honest and overcame your worries. You obviously want the relationship to work, and she should be appreciative. 

H doesn't change who you are. When you love someone before H, you can love them after. H is a common virus. It doesn't define who you are at all. 

You can express this to her; if it helps, you can write her a letter so she can read it and think about how she wants to respond. Sometimes people react impulsively and say things they don't mean, so writing a letter helps you speak your mind and helps the other person formulate a response that isn't driven by extreme emotion. 

I am so proud of you, and so are others on the forum 🙂!  

Hold your head high and be kind to yourself. It will be alright. We are here for you!

Blessings 🙂 

 

[Louis]

Thank you so much for your kind words Flower Teacher. Yes, you are right. I can’t control anybody’s reaction. Thanks for the resource. I will read it. Thats a good idea, to write her a letter. I will wait for the appropriate time to send it to her. Thank you so much for your support. There is no one I can talk to and having you relajad to me and write me is so soothing and appreciate it so much. Take care. 

[Step1LoveYourself]

4 hours ago, Louis said:

Thank you so much for your kind words Flower Teacher. Yes, you are right. I can’t control anybody’s reaction. Thanks for the resource. I will read it. Thats a good idea, to write her a letter. I will wait for the appropriate time to send it to her. Thank you so much for your support. There is no one I can talk to and having you relajad to me and write me is so soothing and appreciate it so much. Take care. 

Gracie gave you the same advice I would have, especially giving her third party resources. These will help her understand your situation and realize what you are telling her aligns with professional sources.

 

I respect that you expressed how it did not matter about the number of people you were with. That piece of information is private and getting herpes is not a representation of the amount of people you have slept with... all it takes is one instance. I believe you deserve someone that is understanding of your situation and does not jump to conclusions as quickly as she has, hopefully with your continued honesty and thoughtfulness she will be more mature. Regardless, you should be proud of yourself as many other people would find your transparency appealing. This will help you love yourself as that is an important quality in order to be with healthy minded people and have a mutual love for each other.

I hope this all helps for your future interactions with your girl and future people!

 

-Dan

[My_dog_is_hungry]

I would be taking a pause to consider her reaction and how it affects you. Where was her compassion? 4 years in a relationship and you get grilled about your sexual history and kicked out of bed? Yes, she may need educating, but she also needs a lesson in empathy and how not to be cruel.