Do you apologize?

[livingbeyond]

When you have to inform your non-hsv partner that you are experiencing symptoms, is part of your disclosure an apology? I'm asking because I struggled with this. I was looking forward to spending some intimate time with my partner, and we're both really busy so that's been limited lately and we don't live together. We made other plans as well, which are still going to happen of course, but I had to let him know we wouldn't be able to be intimate because of prodrome symptoms I started having. He was fine, but I find myself feeling like I disappointed him in some way. In no way did he demonstrate this and focused on our other plans. I also felt like I should apologize but didn't because I also feel like I didn't do anything wrong. I'm conflicted. This is the first time hsv has "interfered" or been a factor for us. All my old fears about being rejected around this are resurfacing, and I feel like it's an inconvenience to be with me. I know I'm not defined by hsv and am an awesome person with a good heart, and I'm still currently up thinking about this still. I'm sure I'll talk to him more about it too. How do others deal with this in your dating life or relationships? 

[Flowerteacher55]

Hi! 

I hope you are well.

This is a wonderful question!! Thank you for asking this essential question. 

You have no reason to be sorry. Of course, you may feel a little upset because you wanted to be intimate with your partner, and sorry about the situation, but you yourself have NO reason to say sorry for anything; you didn't do anything wrong. You have no reason to apologize. You aren't at fault, you didn't harm anyone or hurt anyone. "I'm sorry" implies guilt or acknowledgement that you did something wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. 

Sometimes when we feel all this guilt and sadness and frustration, it makes us want to say "I'm sorry". However, find different language to express these feelings that actually applies to the situation (words that do not blame you) if you want to. You could say, "I wish I could be intimate with you." Or "I'm so excited to be intimate with you, and having to wait a little extra time is actually kind of romantic!" You may be scared he will reject you because of past experiences, but remember, fear is a liar, and love and respect and someone's actions all tell the truth! It's wonderful he didn't express anything mean and he went on with the plans you two made, because that's what really matters. Respect and kindness are essential foundations for a healthy happy relationship, and you deserve that! 

Stay strong and remind yourself you are not to blame, you aren't bad or an inconvenience AT ALL. When these thoughts arise remind yourself they stem from fear of abandonment or rejection, and you can let go of those fears now. Our brains try to protect us by reminding us of these fears, but sometimes they do it way too often, and we need to reassure ourselves that all is well and we are safe, especially in our own bodies, HSV and all. 

I hope this helps! Stay strong and try positive self talk and kindness. We are here for you! Thank you again for asking this amazing question and starting a discussion on such an important topic.

Blessings! ☀️🦋🌳