I thought I found the man to accept me...

[joeyaka21]

this happened last week, i have been with this man since march and thought i found the right man.

 

we went on about 3 dates before he wanted to have sex with me. i told him i have herpes before sex and cried very badly for fear of rejection. he carried me in his arms and praised me that it was good that i told him. i was terrified because this is the first time im dating someone after i got herpes genital 2 from my previous boyfriend who ran off and dated another woman when he knew i caught herpes. i was sure i caught it from my ex but he denied and said he was disease free.

 

my man was with me for about 8 months thus far. he was very kind to me. but he never wanted to try having sex with me at all, so we only had oral sex, with him using toys on me while i perform oral on him. recently, i was being grumpy about him snoring at nights and was upset that i couldnt sleep. he could see i was unhappy and finally last weekend he decided we should go on our own ways, as he couldnt find any solution to this. i agreed at first but after i left him, i cried like crazy for the 2nd day and beg to go back to him. he let me sleep over until im alright.

 

for the next 2 weeks, i have been sending him messages almost daily trying to beg and persuade him to rethink his decision. i kept begging him to go to the doctor with me and at least find out what herpes is about and what are the options available before writing this relation off. he refused outright.

 

i went to visit the doctor this past monday, and the doctor told me that the herpes cant pass on to man as long as there is no blisters or bursting of blisters. as long as you are sure you dont have blisters, or you know you dont have any of those signs such as tingling feeling, or am tire out or stress or have low immune system. its 100percent safe to have sex with condom. my doctor consoled me as well that this guy doesnt deserve me and its not worthy for me to cry over this man because he is just not the right man. I cried badly as soon as i entered the doctor's office. She also told me from her experience, guys tend to be carriers rather than have outbreaks, probably man usually take it easy while woman have hormones working on them and are worried about things in life in general. She did mention that there are woman who doesnt have relapse for years or have been tested positive, yet years later, the results came out negative. Its all about being contented, being grateful with life.

 

now that i know all these and understand better about my condition, i wrote to my man and told him i went to the doctor and had all my misconceptions and fears i read from the internet answered. i ask why would he rather read all the information from the internet than to go visit a doctor with me. i said i now know i loved him enough to act so silly and been begging him to rethink but to this day he still replied sorry but its not going to work. i even wrote to him telling him that his snoring was never the issue but it was because we never resolve my herpes issue thats why i have been grumpy.

 

i know i'm in denial but i cant help it. it hurts a lot when he is not around me anymore. i know he rejects me and is still nice about it and i wish for him to reconsider again but he refused totally. even proposed to try out 2 more months but didnt work.

 

why should i do? i love him a lot, but also have fear that after him, no one else will be so nice to me or i will always be rejected for life.

 

i thought i was strong enough after i visit the doctor and knows what works and doesnt but now am back to square one.

 

sorry for the long letter but i need to get this out.

 

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

Sometimes it just doesn't work out between people. Neither one is to blame or a bad person. It sounds like yall were just two people that didn't make it work. Maybe there is still hope he will come around. But don't pressure him or go into stalker mode. Stalker mode is the scariest mode you can go into lol. Sonetimes its best to just let go too. If he shows no signs of wanting to remain friends just let ut go. You will fi.d something justvas good or better. If a man goes a whole week without txting you don't think oh he's just busy. Don't ask your magic 8 ball is he thinking if me? cuz the truth is if he makes no attempt to keep up communication he no longer cares. About the friendship ir any of it. And you know what? its ok. cuz something better or just as good will cone along.

[PeasNCarrots]

It sounds like you need to love yourself first. Then you can be ready to receive love from the right man. There are tons of resources on this site to help you with that. Don't despair. I know that loving yourself is hard sometimes, because of all the negative voices in our heads. But it's something to focus your energy on, instead of trying to convince someone who is unwilling to see past the herpes. You are worth working on yourself and loving yourself.

[Juvia]

I have found that break ups have become harder since getting herpes, just because how hard it is to tell someone you come to care about such a painful thing. When a relationship ends, all of a sudden you realize that you will have to do it all over again.

 

Don't let that keep you in a relationship that isn't working, please. You are so much better than that.

 

Also, viral shedding can also spread the virus, not just when you have a breakout. This is extremely rare, but it is still a possibility.

 

Don't let this upset you, knowledge and precaution are tools for you to help yourself and others.

 

I have had this for five years and have only been rejected once. And, it hurt, but you will find out that telling people will bring out the best character in you and others. And, if someone cannot accept it, try to respect their decision as much as possible, as long as they are respectful of your feelings as well, but don't let it bring you down.

 

Whether you believe in destiny or not, not everything will go as planned, but everything will eventually work out for you. Even if it is not in the way you expected.

 

Time will pass, and you will meet someone else. And, it may not get easier telling someone, but you will find better and better ways of handling it.

 

Just look at it as a challenge to become a stronger, more self-aware person.

 

Whenever something tough gets thrown in my way, I often times say to myself "challenge accepted" with a smile on my face. You can either handle things one of two ways, why not take it with a smile head on.

 

Best of luck to you, dear.

[Juvia]

Also, I know it is hard, but it is necessary to talk about what you have.

 

Gain knowledge about it so you can provide that information for your potential partners.

 

In my experience, it helps to put myself in their shoes. I present it to them as I would like it to be presented to me. Most of the time, others will not have any other understanding of it than was was briefly taught to them in health class. They need your help to understand what exactly having herpes means.

 

The more facts and knowledge you can provide, the more comfortable they may be, at least, once again, in my experience. This shows to them that you have thought about what you have, have taken the time to research it because you truly care about helping yourself and others.

[joeyaka21]

Hi Peachyogurtisawesome,

Thank you for your advice. You are right, sometimes some things just doesn't work out. I was late but I tried all I can.

 

I told him finally how much I love him face to face but he said he realized he never loved me. Although I will always know the night he rejected the relation is because of he couldn't come to terms with my herpes condition, there isn't much I can do for him anymore.

Did make a book for him with photos of when we first met till we parted.

But nothing helps, so I hope to keep the memories and until one day I know to let go.

Am doing meditation and finding books to read about herpes but its vastly limited when it comes to resources like this.

 

I will cross my fingers and hope something good will come along one day :)

 

 

[joeyaka21]

Dear PeasNCarrots

 

I will work on loving myself first.

You are right, its much more important than anything else, if I don't love myself, no one else would.

Thank you so much, any advice or encouragement means a lot to me :)

[joeyaka21]

Dear Juvia

 

You manage to spot it on. I was very fearful of leaving him because I thought I cant go through another relationship with other guys again and go through it one more time. Althought Im still afraid, I'm working on reading about herpes through books and sharing here, and do meditation as well to find peace of mind.

 

I had to ask a monk (ajahn brahma) when i couldn't let go and kept crying for weeks. He told me the guy wasn't worth my love and if someone really loves you, he should be able to accept you as who you are, whether STD or any other illness.

 

Its just harder for me to let go as he is the first man I ever love and it seems an irony to love someone and cant be with him because of herpes.

 

____________________________________________

a quote from ajahn brahm which i find encouragement from:

No one can know what true love is until their heart is broken.

 

Every broken heart heals and you will become a much wiser, more wonderful and compassionate person because of it.

 

When you have hurt, you know how to love more deeply, more wisely next time...

 

--- Ajahn Brahm

____________________________________________

 

 

Its encouraging to know that you are able to find good relations and only rejected once.

I will try not to let it bring me down, and will try to be stronger with each relation.

Taking it on with a smile is a good advice :)

 

Thank you Juvia, I will gain all the knowledge i can find and work on understanding my own self and putting myself in others shoes as well.

 

Its a hard journey but you are right, it does bring out the character in oneself and others too.

 

Im not perfect and I do hope someone will see that in me one day.

[WCSDancer2010]

Joeyaka:

 

First, a big (((HUG))) ... so sorry you went through this ... but look at it as a lesson about loving yourself. One thing Herpes can do is make us slow down the progression of a relationship so we don't have sex as early... I personally find once I get sexual my I get more "attached" and don't always see the red flags. Given that he wouldn't go to the Dr with you but he also didn't want to have sex, I'd say those were signs that he was stuck... and if someone doesn't want to get un-stuck, we can't do anything about it.

 

Regarding what your Dr told you, you CAN pass the virus on when you don't have a blister/outbreak. Hate to say it but many Dr's are horridly behind on the latest Herpes research. Read on here how many people got herpes from someone who had NO IDEA that they had it. You are also not 100% safe with a condom. The standard risk of Female-to-male transmission is 4%. If you take antivirals (were you offered them?) the risk goes down to 2%. Add a condom and it's 1%. Yeah - it's nearly 100% but there is still a small risk ... and to be honest, most guys don't want to use a condom for the rest of their life (and guys over 50 often often can't use them for very long.... :p ) Your Dr WAS right about learning to be content and reducing stress though..... :)

 

You should read the excellent handouts that Adrial has made... lots of excellent info there...and for the nest partner, print out the disclosure handout before "the talk"... and perhaps you could print some out and take it to your Dr to hand out when someone is diagnosed ;)

 

Handouts:

 

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

 

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

 

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Your ex may well believe he is disease free ... he could be carrying it (and spreading it) and not be getting any outbreaks.... and if he has not asked specifically for the Herpes test he may not have been tested (and may believe he has been tested). It's a common problem that I am dedicated to having changed...we need for Herpes to be automatically added to the standard STD tests (which only usually cover Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and HIV)

 

Use this time to find ways to love yourself more.... I took 3 years off dating and it was the best thing I have ever done for myself.... find something you are passionate about and apply yourself to it ... or find a Meet-up group (Meet-up.com) with similar interests and just get out with folks and have fun.

 

And BREATHE! Believe that you really WILL find the right guy. Sound like you were settling with this guy for fear of being alone. Believe me, being alone isn't half as bad as being with someone who doesn't love you.