Spouse has HSV2

[Unaware]

My story: 

I have been married for 14yrs. We have 3 wonderful children together. Everything was going great until last October. One evening my DH got out of the shower and I noticed a cut on his penis from across the room. So I asked him to let me have a look. He said he must have cut it shaving.. when I got a closer look at it, it wasn’t a cut it was a cluster of blisters. I immediately knew it was herpes. I said it looks like herpes. Then he started telling me he’s had this for so long and it comes and goes and that it’s no big deal. Well to me it was a HUGE deal as this is the first time I’ll have ever heard about it. 

He claimed he got it before we started dating some 15 years ago and he’s never seen a doctor for it and just dealt with it when it would flair up. I asked if he ever consealed it from me to protect me from getting it and he said no. It just a secret he’s been hiding. 

His IgG Blood test confirmed it was positive for HSV -2 and negative for HSV-1 (yes I read the results) . 

My blood test came back negative for both. 

Question: How could I never have caught it in all the years? He had a vasectomy 10yrs ago so we have never used condoms. He admitted to never denying sex to me even when he had an outbreak. Could this be a new thing for him? Like he had a affair in the past? He deny’s ever cheating on me in all the years together. I got him to start taking daily meds for it but I’m so upset that he risked the health and safety of me and our children. Also the fact that if I hadn’t seen it on him I would probably still be sitting in the dark.. what would you do? I need help! (And yes we just started therapy) 

[Flowerteacher55]

Hello!

First, thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure it will help others who can relate to it. 

Second, please know that you can work through this. It is so amazing that you are already in therapy! That is a happy healthy sign that you and your husband want to work through everything. So, good for you! 🙂 

I can't even imagine the emotions you have been feeling; betrayed, scared, sad, angry, etc. Your husband may have just assumed it was a common annoying thing that he had, and didn't feel the need to share it. Maybe he thought it wasn't contagious. You may be feeling that he was completely disregarding your health and well-being; maybe he didn't realize it was something to be worried about. The fact that he has been dealing with this for 15 years and never received treatment must have been really painful for him, and honestly I am surprised he didn't bring it up to his doctor! So many people are not aware of HSV, and how common it is, and how to ID it, etc, so it is possible he really didn't think there was anything wrong; maybe just a rash. 

It is scary to think about how you probably wouldn't even know about it unless you saw it, but don't let the hypothetical get in the way of what actually did happen (you saw it and now everything is out in the open). 

It is possible you never noticed the sores on him before. Sometimes outbreaks are small, some are larger. Sometimes they are in spots that are hard to see, other times they are on visible areas. Also, there are many couples who never pass HSV to their partner, even after years of being intimate with one another. 

I hope this helps! Therapy should also help. Really communicating without judgment is essential ❤️ 

Sending blessings and prayers your way! 🌻

grace

 

[Jasonlee56]

I have the flip side of the story. I concealed from my wife for over 35 years.... my diagnosis. It was terrible, but I was ashamed, embarrassed...all of the above. Amazingly she has never gotten it after thousands of times of sexual contact. 

We ended up having a discussion (a year or so ago)...as our marriage was suffering. She admitted an affair from a long time ago, as did I. Then I told her about the HSV2. She literally did not blink. She told me with all the sex we have had over the years it must be hard to catch. I told her that I never had sex with her days before an outbreak and 3 weeks after...which I am guessing...helped. 

We discussed ending the relationship (not a good alternative). Me going celibate. Again...not a good alternative. We did not have sex for about 6 weeks after that...and I told her...she needs to make a decision one way or another. 

So...I am now on supplements (Lysine and another). Only have a breakout once every 6 to 9 months. We still have a long way to go (marriage wise)....but it is alot better than it was. 

I wish you the best. Sometimes we guys don't think with our brains....and this kind of stuff happens. 

Jason