Progress - would really love some help (trigger: rape)

[seafoam19]

Hi guys! It has been a really crazy month for me. Lots of changes, lots of stress, and a lot of thinking about herpes and my self-image.

 

I was diagnosed a month ago after a routine check-up in which my doctor found a tiny, tiny bump, and assured me it most likely was not herpes. But it was, HSV2. The current relationship I was in ended before it became sexual, and again (it felt like the millionth time in my life), I was alone. I still have not disclosed to anyone except my therapist, because I live in a very small town and I don't believe any of the possible people who could've given it to me know they have it yet.

 

The initial diagnosis triggered some really strong feelings in me - mostly disgust and anger towards myself, and the strong feeling that I was less of a woman and less of a human for having this virus. Through writing I realized those were some leftover triggers from the two worst things that have ever happened to me. I was sexually assaulted by two different men, two different times. Those same awful feelings came about when I got my diagnosis.

 

Upon further reflection, I realized that my negative self-esteem came about years before my diagnosis. One of the men who assaulted me was my boyfriend. By all accounts, he was loving, kind, and accepting, except when he decided to force me into sex. He did it about six months into our relationship. And even though I was devastated, I stayed with him! I thought that relationship was it for me. He was the first and only person who I thought loved me. I thought that the only chance I would get at some sort of happy, stable relationship was to be with this man, so I had to choose between pushing down all the bad feelings and blaming myself, or coming to terms with what had happened and facing the world alone. Well, I chose poorly, and stayed in that relationship for two and a half more years, until the anxiety and depression became too much for him to take care of - again, validating my fear that I was unlovable. The second assault was less severe and less hurtful, but the fact that it happened to me twice really told me that something was intrinsically so wrong with me that I deserved to be raped by anyone who wanted to do it. I know logically survivors do have a much higher chance of getting assaulted again, but I still cannot emotionally feel it.

 

I only realized all this through herpes and those same feelings. I thought about how I would feel if I loved someone with herpes, and it wouldn't bother me at all as long as I truly cared for them. I realized my only problem with herpes is that I felt like it ruined my life because it took away my "consolation prize" - since no one would ever love me, at least I got to have casual sex with attractive, interesting people. Now that is out of the picture, and for the first time, I feel truly, truly alone - but also, in a sense, maybe free to start addressing why I had such poor self-esteem, so much that I was willing to date my rapist for years.

 

So while I am hopeful for the future at times, I am in a dark place. Any support would be welcome. I am not sure how to go about progressing from here, but I am telling my therapist about the assaults on Friday. This is the first person I've told. I'm so nervous but I just want to heal and be able to love myself.

[PeasNCarrots]

It sounds like you are making lots of progress in your self knowledge. That's great! Loving yourself will lead to getting the love you deserve from others. Don't think you won't. ;)

[Iamme34]

I understand completely what u are going thru, because I myself contracted h thru being raped.... It's an awful feeling because u go thru a lot of depression with being assaulted n then on top of it all to find out u got an awful skin condition... Talking to ur therapist is the best way to go honestly... I've been seeing mine for over two months n it helps getting thru the initial beat down of how we look at ourselves n our reactions.... It took a very long time for me to stop beating myself up about it.. N honestly it goes thru my head very often.. But all u need is love and support from people who really care n can understand what u are going thru... My therapist told me that I am who I am now, with memories of being violated... N it will always be me but to heal from it n moveing on out of self distruction will be a dream come true.. As much as u will have triggers here n there please remember you are a strong person n faith is stronger.. If u need anything please let me know...:0) I'm here for love and support thru good and bad..:0)

[seafoam19]

Thank you guys very much.. it's just so hard to know what's next!

 

I actually don't believe I got herpes through the assaults, though I guess technically, anything is possible. But I'm 95% sure it was through consensual sex. I'm so sorry to hear about that Iamme34, but at least you are in therapy now!

[Iamme34]

Yes I am... N any kind of therapy is good... Just to let it out to help heal or begin to... It is a very rough thing I go thru everyday... But everything is a process:0) this one will be the best one to conquer...:0) we never know what's next until we keep moving forward.... So just keep moving... N be strong....