didn’t disclose, feeling guilty and anxious

[brown-eyes]

i was with a new partner last night on a first date and we ended up going back to his place. one thing led to another and we became intimate even though that wasn’t my intention. i know the importance of disclosing and am feeling really guilty that i let myself get wrapped up in the moment.

i was originally diagnosed with ghsv-1 in 2018 and haven’t had any outbreaks following my initial outbreak 5 years ago so i don’t really think about it much anymore. not an excuse, but it’s the truth.

i’m stuck between continuing to avoid the disclosure and potentially ruining everything with a guy that i’m starting to really like. i feel like i know the basic facts and info to answer any questions he’d have, but i’m anxious that he’ll feel betrayed or mad that i didn’t disclose before we slept together. i’ve even debated just ghosting him (a tad dramatic) but in my head that would hurt less than being rejected at this moment.

if anyone has any advice or helpful words, it would be much appreciated!

[mr_hopp]

Hey there,

Ah, sometimes, things can escalate quickly, and it's easy to get carried away in the moment. It's totally normal to feel guilty about not disclosing your herpes status before becoming intimate, but hey, we all make mistakes, and it's okay to feel conflicted about how to handle the situation. What's most important now is how you can make it right. Both to him and to yourself. 

I can imagine that you may not have been actively thinking about herpes, especially since you haven't had any outbreaks in a while. But now that it has come up, it's important to address it. You know the value of honesty, and being open about your herpes status is vital for both your emotional well-being and your potential partner's informed consent.

Let's turn the tables for a moment and imagine him having herpes and choosing not to disclose it to you. You would probably appreciate him being honest and upfront about it, right? True connections are built on honesty, trust, and mutual respect. While it might feel scary, facing the situation head-on is often the best approach.

Ghosting him might feel like a way to avoid potential rejection, but it's not a healthy or fair solution for either of you. Communication is key in any relationship. Having an open and honest conversation with him about your herpes diagnosis can help build trust and respect between you two.

If he truly cares about you, he'll likely appreciate your honesty and understanding. Remember, you deserve to be with someone who accepts and values you for who you are.

Here's a whole slew of helpful resources on "the talk": https://www.herpesopportunity.com/tag/the-herpes-talk

... and download the free e-book and handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

Since you have genital HSV-1, it's important to know that it's very unlikely to pass it to partners genital-to-genital with no outbreak or symptoms. It has a super low asymptomatic viral shedding rate (see the handouts that come with the ebook above for more on that), and Terri Warren told me that in all her years consulting her herpes patients, she's never seen one case of genital-to-genital HSV-1 transmission. This is not to say to not disclose or now to avoid the conversation with him, but to help educate him on the low risk that it actually poses to him so he understands what he's getting into.

When you're ready, take a deep breath, and have a calm and genuine conversation with him. Be prepared to answer any questions he might have, and reassure him that you take his feelings seriously. It takes courage to own up to your mistakes. And ironically, it may even be an opportunity to build even stronger trust since you know how it feels to not follow your strong integrity.

You got this! Trust yourself and remember that you deserve love and respect. We're here to support you, so don't hesitate to reach out if you need more advice or just someone to talk to. Wishing you the best of luck!

[brown-eyes]

thank you for the reply and advice! i decided to sum up what i needed to share with him in a text in order to give him the time and space needed to process. his response was short and he asked a few questions about what it means for him, but i’m just glad i got a response. he could’ve easily just ignored me or gotten really upset, but he didn’t and that brought some relief.

i’m now playing the waiting game to see if he will decide we can continue to get to know each other or if he doesn’t want to take the risk and would rather part ways. this stage seems to be a bit tougher than the original disclosure since everything is up to him, but i feel like i did all that i could to try and make the situation right. obviously i hope he’ll be willing to look past this, but only time will tell!

[mr_hopp]

Good job doing it. I know that's not easy and you did the right thing to bring your integrity back online. At the very least, that is a win. Keep us posted, okay? Good luck!