Everything Out in the Open

[peaceandlove]

So this is my story, I'll start with some backround information. I've had HSV1 since I was a child, I used to get coldsores when I was sick. The last one I ever had was when I was 12 or 13, a good 10 years ago. Recently I ended a four year, very unhealthy relationship from which I had contracted HPV and met someone new not long afterward. He lived far away but we talked everyday for a couple of months and decided to take it to the next level. So I told him about the HPV but didn't say anything about the HSV1. I guess I never thought of it as an STD, I had been living with it all my life and hadn't had a coldsore in a decade. I never asked him about his history. I spent an amazing weekend with him only a week ago, I hadn't felt so beautiful, safe and cared for in such a long time. On the day I left, three days after we had first been intimate, I felt some pain in my groin area. I chalked it up to being sore. A couple of days later in hadn't gotten better so I saw my Gyno she took a swab but said it just looked like friction irritation. Two days ago I get a call from the office saying the swab came back positive for HSV1. My world fell apart, how could I all of a sudden go from having coldsores to having it genitally with no smyptoms inbetween? Did he have it, or was it me? I never felt so disgusting and ashamed in my life. But I had to tell him, I asked him to call me that night, he called me back only hours ago. I asked him if he had been tested recently, he said he had and it came back clean no HSV1. And neither of us had been with anyone else since we had last been tested. So it was my fault. I told him what happened, I cried and rambled and apologized. I didn't know it could happen like that, how could I be so stupid? He thanked me for telling him, said he needed to go, that he'd "talk to me in a bit" and hung up. His voice was cold a emotionless. I feel so guilty, and dirty, I don't know if I can forgive myself if I gave it to him I truly care for him. He'll probably never speak to me again and I don't blame him. I feel like a bad person, but I honestly didn't know it could transfer on me like that. It hurts more now than it did to just get the diagnosis. How do I get past this? How do I not feel like a horrible human being and move forward in my life? Where do I go from here?

[WCSDancer2010]

You go forward...wherever that leads you. You didn't know you had the genital version (and even if you were blood tested, it would have come out as the one on your mouth and you wouldn't have thought anything of having it "down there".) It is possible you actually gave it to yourself down there and never got symptoms because your immune system is already kicking it down.

 

Adrial - have you seen this article? Is there any merit to this? Someone sent this to me when I "came out" on FB... http://www.livescience.com/41090-oral-hpv-self-inoculation.html

 

P&L: It is also ENTIRELY possible that *thinks* he was tested for HSV and actually wasn't. Most of the time, if you go and ask for STD tests, they only test for Syphilis, Gonnorea, and AIDS. They give you a paper here in NY with your "clean" AIDS status immediately, and tell you they will call if there is a problem with the others. Most people think the "others" include ALL the STD tests and don't know they have to ask SPECIFICALLY for each one. Insurance companies often don't want to pay for all them unless they are coded as "diagnostic" tests (ie, not for proactive measures to stop the spread of STD's). You see, insurance companies don't care if you give it to someone else... they just want to save money on a test that likely WILL come back negative for the majority of STD's... and as Herpes is not life threatening, they don't care anyway. They don't understand/care about the psychological ramifications for the newly diagnosed. :(

 

I would direct him to this group - tell him that he can ask all the questions he wants and he can get all the info he needs to help him understand the situation. After that, it is out of your hands.

 

(((HUGS)))

[peaceandlove]

Thank you WCSDancer2010 for taking the time to read my post and respond, you are very knowledgeable! I will definitely try to direct him here do he has all the information he needs. It's a terrifying situatin for me, I can only imagine how he feels. There are so many negative emotions I'm feeling right now it feels like its taking over my life. How do you handle it? I've been reading a lot of posts on this site and it gives me hope about living with this condition. So many people have such an amazing positive attitude and are thriving with HSV, but where do even begin?

[WCSDancer2010]

I've lived with HSV1 my whole life and HSV 2 since 17 ... most of the time it's a nuisance for me... it's only when I am trying to get to know someone who is a potential "mate" that it becomes an issue for me.

 

Just keep asking questions and getting informed. IMO, the more transparent we can all be around this (and everyone's comfort with how transparent they are comfortable with is different) the less stigma will be associated with it. One of my goals is to make this conversation totally acceptable in public ... we are all adults and we need to start acting and talking like adults when it comes to Sex and STD's.

 

And when you are ready, help someone else who is going through this. It kills me how devastating it is when people are first diagnosed. I hope one day the "normal" reaction will go from "OMG my life is OVER!" to "Ok Doc, what does this mean and how can I manage it?". Wouldn't THAT be a great thing????

[peaceandlove]

You're absolutely right, physically this condition barely effects me. It's slightly painful but more than manageable, but all I could think about when I heard the diagnosis is who is ever going to love me again? It's ridiculous, I'm still the same person now that I have HSV1 genitally as I was the day before, and it's the exact same virus as when I had just coldsores. Why am I so awful now? I do wish I was more well informed back bbefore this happened, but I can't change that now. This site and it's members (like you :) ) are such a great resource for information and support. I want to be open and comfortable with this. I know I'll get there even if the journey is a life-long one. Thank you for this first step, I can't tell you how much it means that you talked to me.

[WCSDancer2010]

(((HUGS)))

 

Just pass it forward. Together we can turn this around from being a stigma to exactly what it is, a royal PITA (or nether regions!) and nothing more :)