I got herpes after I had a brief affair — HSV-1 positive, maybe HSV-2 too

[ra1956]

OK - first off, I am quite married and had a brief affair and now I am HSV1 Positive and most likely HSV2 too. :-(

 

The only good news in this messed up situation is I haven't been with my wife physically since before the affair and finding out my NEW status.

 

I really love my wife and the affair had nothing to do with anything other than lust and believing I needed to fulfill a need. It was the worst mistake of my life and I need to find a way to overcome this.

 

At this point, I don't feel I have many options - most all of them very bad for me, but some would provide my family with the most clean closure.

 

Anyone that has overcome something like this - PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR INSIGHTS!!!

 

Thank you.

[HerryTheHerp]

Hi Ra,

 

Are you sure you're HSV1 or HSV2 positive? Get that confirmed by getting a blood test and getting it typed. It can take up to 6 months to get a 100% accurate answer (but 3 months is usually pretty accurate). Knowing what you're dealing with will help you move forward. If you are still in touch with the person you had the affair with, ask her to get tested/typed. That will at least give you an immediate insight into what's going on. You also owe it to yourself and your wife to get a full STD workup.

 

Second, People make mistakes. You made a big one, and you know that. The best way to overcome it is with honesty. That's the only option that will help relieve your guilt and help get you and your spouse on the path towards forgiveness and healing. It's the only option that's fair for the woman you love.

 

While these seem like bad options, they're the right ones and the only ones that will provide you with the closure you need to this chapter in your life and the opening of the next.

 

 

[ra1956]

Thanks, after the affair was over, asked woman if she would be tested, told you I do love my wife and didn't want to bring anything home. She did and found she was both HSV1 and HSV2 positive. She didn't handle finding out her NEW status well either. Her boyfriend who doesn't know about the affair has also tested positive for both HSV1/2, but has accepted the fact - both of them appear to be asymptomatic. I had the blood test when I first found out her status - both HSV1/2 negative, then again at 6 weeks -

HSV1 positive and HSV2 was now equivocal - 1.07. Had been hopeful, got the IGM test done two week after last exposure and it was negative. I am totally and completely certain my wife is not affected.

[HerryTheHerp]

Ok. Well, then the only thing left to do now is to level with your wife. She may not be physically affected, but she is definitely affected.

 

As far as the tests, you really should confirm with a western blot. It's possible for the antibodies for HSV1 to cross react with the HSV2 results. You have a very low positive which doesn't confirm HSV2 infection according to the 2010 guidelines the CDC updated. Even if the woman you had the affair with did have both, it doesn't mean you do, so get it confirmed with the WB so you know for sure. I'm surprised you doctor didn't suggest that.

 

As far as her and her boyfriend, I wouldn't worry about their relationship. You have your own relationship to patch up and mend. Focus on that.

 

 

[ra1956]

Thanks again, so far I haven't be been to the doc yet, all testing has been thru various websites. Planned to wait three more weeks and get tested again and when positive, then get in to see family doc. Hoping against hope that you are right about some kind of cross react on my HSV2 results.

 

Just hoping to find anyone that has been thru something like this and if there is any hope. :-(

[WCSDancer2010]

ra1956

 

First - welcome! You sure got yourself into a pickle, eh?

 

I wouldn't go to your family Dr - honest. Many of them are HORRIDLY out of date with regards to Herpes. Go to Planned Parenthood or an STD testing clinic (they are popping up all over) or a urologist. Those doctors specialize is STD's and they've seen it all.

 

So does your wife know at all? And have you had a outbreak?

 

Herry - the reason most don't do the Western Blot is it's waaay more expensive and it has to be shipped to Washington state and takes 2-3 weeks for the result to come back. But it IS used by some to sort a difficult diagnosis.

[ra1956]

Thanks for your advise. Currently having my first ever hsv1 ob - just very painless small pimple below my lower lip. As far hsv2 - had a small pimple on penis that turned into a very small ulcer. Once again quite painless. Totally not sure it was even hsv2. Situation confused by having genital eczema.

Wife completely unaware so far, only good thing in this horrible situation. At least I have time to find the path that will give the least pain to my family.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Ah - so get to a clinic ASAP and have them swabbed...given that you got exposed to both at the same time, you could just have HSV1 in both places.... which is *sorta* good news as most of the population has that...it's entirely possible your wife had childhood coldsores which are the same virus so she would not have to worry about "catching" it again. Sp get the pimple on the penis swabbed tomorrow - get to a PP or anyplace that can take you right in so you catch it while they can hopefully culture it.

 

Good luck. We are all human beings, being human. We all screw up. While there is no real "excuse" for what you did, it's done. You sound like a good guy. I hope that you can clean the mess up with your wife and family.

 

(((HUGS)))

[ra1956]

Thanks again, believe it is too late for either. One on penis long healed and one on lip almost gone too. To be honest - really seeking what suggestions on how reduce the hurt to my wife and family - marriage consulting - anything. As I have said before - just not seeing any way thru this.

 

PS - thanks for hug - means more than you have any idea. :-)

[WCSDancer2010]

I would say you will need a professional to help you through this. So much depends on how much other damage has been done (past hurts, etc), how deep the love is, and her personal ability to deal with it. YOU are not the person to deal with that...you have to work on YOU. And you should start ASAP.

 

All you can do is to do everything you can to restore your integrity. I see programs on this on the TV sometimes and one of the "success" stories included the guy who had cheated giving total access to ALL his private emails, phones, etc. The agreement was that she had all that access until SHE felt that trust was restored. You have broken a trust and you may have to give up a whole lotta privacy for awhile to let her see you just had a moment of "humanity" and you have learned your lesson.

 

Your family deserves support from a professional so they can process this and hopefully grow from it rather than become damaged by it.

 

You may have to try several therapists before you find a good fit for you both. Like a great pair of shoes, therapists come in all styles and approaches and you will need to find one that is a good fit for you both.

 

And just a little piece of advice. Try not to be attached to how she reacts. All you can do is be honest with her and ask her forgiveness and let her know how you feel. She will have every right to whatever emotions come up for her. And likely the first ones won't be pretty. Allow her to say what she needs to say. Let her know you want to make it right. But know that she *could* walk away. She may need to create space to clearly see what HER needs are.... let her. In the meantime, work on YOU. Because at this point that is the only thing you will have any control of. Work on you, and hopefully she will see the person she fell in love with as someone who erred and will want to work it out. If not, well, deal with that when the time comes. Right now you can't see into the crystal ball. Don't obsess about that part. Work on healing whatever in YOU caused you to look elsewhere for your needs.

 

(((HUGS))) again...

[ra1956]

Thank you truly.

 

Have started looking for therapist to help guide me - strange as it is, doesn't seem like it a major specialty?

 

I love my wife and am willing to anything to keep her.

[WCSDancer2010]

There should be plenty of Marriage/Relationship Counselors out there. Where do you live?

[WCSDancer2010]

You also want to look for articles like this so you know if your new therapist is following the methods and strategies that will help you

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201203/5-principles-effective-couples-therapy

 

and

 

http://guidedoc.com/6-best-types-of-marriage-counseling

 

BTW, I have done Imago therapy (which is mentioned in that link) and its really good...however, I think you need personal therapy too around what caused you to look elsewhere for love/needs.

 

 

[ra1956]

Thanks - wonderful stuff!!!

 

Looks like "family friendly" would be perfect - but none listed in my state. :-(

 

Reasons for my actions are simple - I am a complete dumbass and scum. :-(

But that said - intend to do anything I can to keep my wife, if she is willing.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

You HAVE to have some Family counselors in your state. PM me your city state and I'll see what I can dig up for you :)

[WCSDancer2010]

Just posted to the PM but for others who may read this, look for Licensed Marriage Family Therapists (LMFT). This link can help you find one:

 

http://www.therapistlocator.net/imis15/content/directories/Locator_Search_US.aspx