Checking In

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Hey everyone! So it has been a few weeks since I have been on and posted, but I wanted to check in. As some know, I moved out on my own, still have not got cable or internet, as I am hoping on a new job so I can be sure that I can pay all my bills before having things that are not a necessity. Been doing job interviews, evaluating people in my life, evaluating life itself, etc. Had a few rough nights the past few days, but I am hanging in there. Nothing a little wine and a bubble bath didn't fix and calm down the tears.

 

So, the 23rd will be the day I got my first bump, and the 30th will be 3 months outbreak free. Crossing my fingers I make it to 3 months with no outbreak. I changed my phone number: 1. I needed to rid my life of people who were stressing me the F out over stupid pointless drama and bullshit. 2. I rid my life of people who said they cared about me, lied, told people my secret, etc. 3. I didn't want to wake up every day anymore and wonder if today would be the day, The One Who Shall Not Be Named will call me and apologize, make it right, be there for me. I needed that. I needed to know that the stupid asshole now can not contact me and I don't have to think about if today will be the day he does what I would do. Now, I just know he can't and won't.

 

I have been pretty open with people about my situation. I want people to stop looking at this as nasty. Even though, I still have weeks like this one where I feel nasty and disgusting. Lately, I have been lonely. Monday night I was like okay why don't you try a herpes dating site again. I don't want a commitment right now, because I am still so angry and bitter that I know I would lash out on someone I dated, which isn't fair to them. I am not healed still so how can I be with someone when I am not in a good place emotionally, however, I long for physical touch. Snuggling, kissing, etc. Not necessarily sex, just the other aspects of feeling wanted. I just want someone to be there. Someone to sleep with at night, tell me I am pretty, kiss me, and make me feel somewhat normal. So, back to Monday night. I hadn't cried in a couple weeks, but I got on a site, and didn't register or anything but immediately started bawling my eyes out. Why? I don't know. I asked myself aloud why are you crying? You have been doing so good. I think maybe because I feel like that is my future, that is my only hope at finding someone. And a lot of initial feelings I had came rushing back. Anger. Bitterness. Self loathing. Fear. I have felt betrayed by so many people. This shouldn't be me. But it is. Being that I am OCD as shit, maybe that is why I struggle so much? I can't control this, so I feel helpless and lost. I can't fix this. I don't know. Rambling again, but since Monday, every day has been a crying mess once I make it into my car from work. Alas, I am hanging in there.

 

So, in addition. I was turned onto a girl by a friend who was recently diagnosed. She has HSV2 orally and genitally. I have HSV1 just genitally. She can't catch a break, constantly staying broke out. And it has been nice to call her or her call me and we just talk. About everything. Ya know, talking to her has helped some. I mean I haven't broken out since my initial, and I sit here and cry and get so angry and here she is breaking out every other week. And listening to her story, I find myself saying to myself, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SO UPSET FOR? You haven't even broken out again, and she is breaking out every other week. You are being selfish, ungrateful for the fact you haven't broken out again, and wallowing in your own self pity. But when I call her, she doesn't make me feel that way, I called her Monday night. She said on the phone hey it's okay, I have it too. There was something reassuring about that. And I am glad that I have met someone that I can talk to and relate to, even if it isn't the same type. As I have said before, emotions are the same. I have a real life H friend and it helps me.

 

I went out one night and this guy was talking to me, he said ya know you got to be careful today. Girls will do shit and not tell you and you end up hearing it from her friends. I said what you mean? He goes well I slept with this girl and apparently she had herpes and didn't tell me but her best friend did. I, of course, tightened every damn muscle in my body as to not give away my dirty little secret. I said yeah, some women do some bad stuff, but men do too. He goes, you don't have herpes do you? And I, pulling out my best acting skills, went F NO I don't. (This is not someone that I would have just been outright yeah I have it, here is my story to), so I lied. And immediately I felt like shit. This stupid person has no idea how bad that just hurt me and I didn't have the balls to say, yeah...actually I do. Here are the facts you arrogant stupid dumbass. But he didn't know, it isn't his fault, so I had yet another encounter with the stigma of herpes and God it hurt like hell. It just set me back and made me feel like I was nasty. This was not some guy I was interested in at all. He is a friend of a friend who just was standing there and talking to me. Shame on me for being such a little weak person that I couldn't admit it and let someone in on the truth of the herpes. I regret that moment now.

 

In conclusion, I have tried to read some of the posts since I took some time. There is a lot I have missed. I just wanted to check in and say hey. Blessings and love you all. To the new people on here, welcome. This is a great place.

 

[HerryTheHerp]

You're stronger and braver than you realize. You've taken some big steps towards a new life. You've taken a major blow to your ego, your self-esteem, and your plans, but you've picked yourself up and you're moving forward. One. Step. at. a. Time.

 

We're all crossing our fingers that you hit that 3 month mark without another OB. The likelihood is that you will. HSV1 downstairs is a pretty quiet roommate. And, you've found a friend you can talk to, rationalize it with, and commiserate with when you need to. That's always a good thing.

 

Of course, we all go through this in our own time, and in our own ways. Bubble baths, wine, long-walks, and diaries are popular healing aids and we've all used some combination to get us through the early days of a diagnosis. You've also taken some bold steps to cut the negative folks and energy out of your life. That will go a long, long way towards helping you heal.

 

And, the more comfortable you get, the more relaxed you get, the less lonely those nights will become. Almost everyone in this forum knows exactly how you feel. Use those nights to focus on you, and your needs. Use those nights to discover ways you can fill the gaps in your heart on your own by using the strength you have within you.

 

This is going to make you a stronger woman, a better partner, and eventually, an amazing wife for someone who loves you deeper than any man you've ever met before. Maybe they'll have herpes, maybe they won't, but they're going to be glad you do. They're going to be glad because they're going to see how those tiny little bumps have turned you into an incredible woman whose internal beauty is far greater than anything the eyes can see. And, in the end, that internal beauty is what cultivates true love and lasting relationships that we all long to have.

 

As far as the guy who was spouting off goes, well, see how herpes covered your back? Yeah, you weren't interested, but you could have played that to your advantage in so many ways. One day, another guy that you are interested in is going to make that same mistake with you, and God help him when he does because I have a strong feeling you're gonna set the record straight with him and educate him in ways that he will never forget.

 

Good luck!

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Awww.. my friend. (((HUGS))). I was wondering about you :)

 

Being that I am OCD as shit, maybe that is why I struggle so much? I can't control this, so I feel helpless and lost. I can't fix this.

 

Maybe this is your lesson from Herpes... that you need to print out the Serenity Prayer and put it on your bathroom mirror and read it to yourself every morning until you get it....

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

I hear ya on the H dating sites ... somehow to *me* it feels like a leper colony... I am on PS (and actually met a nice guy there but he's not in a rush to date) but I don't go on a lot. As you know I put my info right on my OKC page and I'm just letting Fate deal with it now ... when my partner is meant to appear, he will. And I hear ya on wanting to just hug and snuggle and whatever. I DO miss that. But that leads to other things and Imma not wanting to risk getting one of the other STD's right now so even casual stuff seems too much like hard work and I'm not good at the casual stuff anyway :P

 

Regarding the guy - yes, he's just uneducated. And when you finally accept who YOU are with our little H friend, you will be able to have that conversation where you set someone like him straight. So here's something I'm going to suggest that you consider. If you can find a way to re-connect with him, when you have had time to calm down, hows about asking him to have a coffee and then tell him the truth. Let him know that HIS attitude is why people don't come out and tell the truth. That 20% of the people he talks to will have genital herpes and 80% will have herpes in general .. and does he know if he ever had a cold sore because he *could* have H? And just use that conversation to educate him and let him know that while yes, he is right.... many people don't disclose, much of the reason is because they are afraid of a reaction like his. And whatever his reaction is, it is... but you *might* find that you can change his perception (doesn't mean he'd want to date anyone with Herpes, but at least he'd be more compassionate about it). And if not, then it shows you he's a jerk and move on... but at least you planted the seed of understanding and knowledge. And THAT can be very empowering :)

 

(((HUGS))) ... Missed you here. Hope to see you on again real soon.

[WCSDancer2010]

PS: Good for you getting the negative people out of your life and cutting any possibility of the Jerk contacting you. That is a HUGE step. Proud of you my friend :)

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Thanks @herry, reading your post made me feel much better. You are very inspirational. I hope I do make it three months. That would be exciting. You are definitely right about learning to spend those lonely nights working on myself. That makes perfect sense and would definitely build character and make me even stronger. And I can see ways this has changed me and made me strong, hopefully a man in the future will see it too. And see the positive in this not the negative.

 

And @WCS I think I will put that on my mirror. It is true...maybe write it in bright pink lipstick. I like the idea of that. And you are exactly right....I feel like a leper going to those sites...like this is seriously not how I should have to meet someone in the world. And if I ever see him again, I probably will say something. I've only ever seen him out a couple times. But next time, I am not going to hide, and I am going to be honest and straight forward because that negative attitude towards it has got to stop. It thoroughly pisses me off. And to be honest, I don't know if that night I was more hurt or pissed off at the attitude he had towards it. Uninformed, not his fault. But I definitely won't be such a coward next time that situation happens to me. Lesson learned. And yes, it has been a huge step and it has hurt me to cut many people out of my life, but I just realized I can not heal with all of this crap surrounding me. I need to surround myself with the handful of people who truly care about me, truly have my feelings as a concern, and truly mean what they say. That encourage me and stand by me, not try to tear me down even more. And damn it. It feels good. I am taking control of the things I can. Ya know? And big ass hugs to you.