Having the Herpes talk yet again...Need Advice!

[simplyme24]

So to give the background scoop: I have been trying to get back into dating, so I went on online dating because its so hard to meet anyone decent nowadays. I met thiss guy and we hit it off....the conversation flowed. He lives in Iowa and is coming to indiana to see me. I have already told him that I have "something important to tell him" but I want to "wait until we know each other better." He said that was fine but he will just be all sorts of curious. He goes on all the time how he's been looking for someone like me, I make him really happy, and he's not going to walk away from me...that he will be understanding no matter what and blah blah.

 

Well, I feel really bad with him spending all this money to come see me and he doesn't know what he's getting into...the fact that I have herpes. And so many times I just want to tell him before he even comes out here, but at the same time, he hasn't really gotten to know me. So, last night we were talking on the phone, and he was talking about doing clinicals in the hospital. He told of a story where this 15 or 16 year old came in with her parents because she had gonnorhea. He said "you see crazy shit in there." I went completely silent. I didn't know what to say. If he thinks that Gonnorhea is crazy then what will he think of herpes!? Prior to that convo, I was feeling really good about disclosing to him, but now I am terrified. Especially since my last disclosure didn't go well and then the discussion with my dad didn't go well. I feel so angry because my EX was with me for 3 years and never got it so he can move on and be with anyone. I am left here all alone...I feel like my dating life is doomed.

 

When do I tell him? How do I tell him? What do I say if it gets to the point where we both get "in the mood" ...what do I say to stop the situation without looking obvious (if I haven't disclosed yet). How do I say "I have herpes" without it being negative, esp if I am sure that he will be a lot turned off by it!? I'm scared that he will no longer want me as much as he does now. Right now, he makes me feel so beautiful and sexy. Throw herpes in and I'm back to that "doomed" and "worthless" feeling. I really don't know what to do or how to handle the situation. ANY advice would be GREATLY appreciated. Thank you for reading!

 

Your Herpes Friend.

[HerryTheHerp]

Alright, take a breath. Take a deep breath. A couple of things you've got going for you here. One, he likes you enough to come visit from another state (that's a big deal) and he's also got a medical background. Big pluses. As far as the "crazy' stuff thing goes, well, I think he was referring to a young girl coming in with an STD, not the STD itself. I'm sure he's seen plenty of diseases, illnesses, and viruses. They won't bug him as much, but it will concern him who's getting them, and boy, is he gonna be surprised, right?

 

That's not how you need to be thinking. Got it? Stay strong. Stay confident. Remember, he'll already be more comfortable with the topic than most. The more confident, knowledgeable, informative you are, the more comfortable, confident, relaxed he'll be. You know that. Just stay calm.

 

How do you tell him? Well, if it were me... I'd light some candles, print out a packet of information with a cover letter that goes over your story, throw in an FC2 female condom for a little extra protection, leave it in a sealed envelope on the couch because he may or may not know a lot about it. Then I'd put on my sexiest lingerie while wearing a sash that reads "I am a herpetic Goddess." Then, walk back into the living room and see where it goes. I call it the "Red Shoe Diaries Temptational Informational." He'll appreciate your boldness. Alright, I'm a guy and that's how I'd want to be told, and even if you don't do this, keep the thought in your mind because it'll shore you up emotionally however you do tell him. ;)

 

Look, you are a beautiful woman. You're an attractive woman. You're a good woman. You have some amazing qualities that he's clearly attracted to. You have a skin condition. It happens to be a contagious skin condition, but that's all it is. Remember that. Focus on who you are, and remember that herpes isn't who you are, it's just something you have. Your dad, your ex, your previous disclosure are in the past and mean nothing anymore. Again, no dad likes his daughter having sex. It's just the way it is and will always be. Remember, all grandchildren are the product of immaculate conception. And your ex? Well, your ex's your ex's for a reason, and don't make the new guy pay for the things they did or didn't do; and stop yourself pay for it as well.

 

As an added step, and it's your call. Get a full panel STD test, and ask him to bring one as well. Then compare notes. By knowing everything that is or isn't on the table, it will make the conversation a little more balanced. Just a thought.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Hmmm - sticky situation. The long distance stuff certainly has a few more hurdles to jump, eh?

 

So what about Skyping? I think I would say you want to talk to him before he comes out but you want to do it as close to "face to face" as you can. I'd open with "Well, I didn't know when or how to talk to you about this but when you mentioned that kid in the clinic I just felt I have to get this out in the open."... then just explain YOUR situation... and let the chips fall where they may. And if he runs, well, he was lying about "not walking away". And maybe you bring that statement in early in the conversation, before you tell him.. and say something like, " I am scared you will want to run away so I hope you will still want to get to know ME when I'm done." At least then he will hopefully allow you to finish and will give everything time to see how it lands on him.....

 

I wonder if his aversion to that one situation was the kids age...certainly that is a pretty sad situation for a 15 y/o to be dealing with and makes you question things in his/her family situation.....

 

To be honest, maybe you will educate him in a way he hasn't by his school. Be totally honest about the unfair stigma and how he must know how many people actually have Herpes and with his training he must understand that it's really just a nuisance skin condition .... appeal to his training..... if he has counseled people that their Herpes diagnosis isn't a big deal (as most Dr's do) then he should stand by that and give you the benefit of the doubt and keep moving forward. If not, he's a hypocrite and you don't need him ;)

 

(((HUGS))) and good luck :)

 

[WCSDancer2010]

PS: Herry's suggestion is pretty darned good too :)