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Good Mooorningg Herpieville!!!! Episode III

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So I've decided to keep up with the herpes jokes. I figure until someone tosses a flaming bottle of Valtrex through my window I'm going to keep writing them.


Gooooood Moooornnninng Herpievillle!


Today in San Francisco, George Lucas and Ron Jeremy announced that they will be collaborating on a much anticipated spin-off of one of the 1980's most popular movies. Filming for "Indiana Bones and the Titer of Blisters" is scheduled to start filming in the San Fernando Valley where it's estimated that 80% of the adult performers won't need to wear make-up to make their herpetic characters appear realistic.


Did you know that Mrs. Manners wrote a best selling book for women living with both genital herpes and serious speech impediments? By the time its print run ended, "How the Modern Lady Can Remember Herpes and Q's" had sold well over a million copies.


Apparently Joe Francis has decided to stop handing out "Girls Gone Wild" t-shirts in a bid to complete his community service requirements and avoid going to hell. Now, he'll be walking up and down Miami Beach handing out shirts that say "I went on Spring Break and all I got was genital herpes." Word on the sand has it that the number of shirts being handed out to girls from ASU alone has at least 3 factories in Beijing working double shifts just to keep up with demand.


Add another to the list of famous celebrities with herpes. Turns out the Jolly Green Giant hasn't always been such a happy fella. When asked how he acquired it, he said simply "I was dating the farmer's daughter back in high school. One day she was playing with my beanstalk & coyly asked if I wanted to head into the barn and see what herpes looked like."


Today in the studio we're joined by Robert Van Winkle and Mr. Bobby McFerrin.


Robert, what do you use to treat your herpes when they flair up?


"Ice, ice, baby. Rock those bumps like a vandal."


And, Mr. McFerrin, what would you say to someone suffering from genital herpes?


"Don't worry, be herpe. Girlfriend kicked you out of bed? Don't worry. Be herpe."


Random House announced that Monica Lewinsky is about to release her new tell all book in an effort to rekindle her 15 minutes of fame. "My Time Blowin' Bill's Blisters" is set to hit shelves this summer. When asked for her thoughts on the book, Hillary Clinton simply replied 'Blisters, boneheads, bimbos, Benghazi, and Boehner. God, I hate the letter B."


Transcripts from one of the last interviews of his life have just been released. When asked what the difference between herpes and a lawyer was, mobster John Gotti simply responded "Easy, you can get rid of a lawyer."


Ever date a blonde with amnesia? I have. I was dating this woman for a few months when she asked me if I had herpes. I told her no and imagine my surprise when she rolled over and said "Thank God, I don't wanna get that ever again."


Scientists were shocked to discover that there is a virus sweeping America that is far more dangerous and humiliating than herpes. When asked who they were gonna vote for in November, a large number of Americans appeared to be exhibiting severe signs of Gonharealectum. Symptoms of the infection are cloudy judgment, foggy memories, and a burning sensation while pissing your freedoms away.


What do walking a tightrope and giving oral sex to someone who has herpes have in common? According to Nik Wallenda's agent, you don't want to look down when you're doing either.


Forget the avian flu and Mitt Romney, word from Sesame Street is that Big Bird got his feathery wings clipped last year. It seems to make ends meet during a recent furlough he worked as a high priced Hollywood escort and contracted Chirpes. When asked how he was doing, his long time friend Tweety innocently stated "How many times have I told him not to put strange things in his mouth? Especially me."


Turns out Selena Gomez doesn't just have bad taste in boys. Turns out she's also bad at math. Following Justin Bieber's recent trip to South America she was overheard saying, "I know how many a million fans are, but how much are a Brazilian hookers?"


In other news from Hollywood, it appears it's Splitsville for Mrs. Piggy and Kermit the Frog. According to celebrity legal expert John Blisteralatte, Kermit had been spending a little too much time on the Disney backlot with Ariel of Little Mermaid fame. While knowledge of their affair was widespread throughout Hollywood, Mrs. Piggy decided she'd had enough of Kermit's fish tales after Ariel sent him home with crabs this fall.


What's the difference between herpes and a clitoris? Scientists say 1 in 6 men have actually discovered herpes.


And, that's today's news everyone. As you head off into Herpieville remember that 20% of the women in Switzerland have genital herpes. Turns out the Swiss Miss is using more than just hot cocoa to keep the fellas warm in the Alps this winter. They'd like to remind you that it's your life, live it the way you want to live it.


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What's the difference between herpes and a clitoris? Scientists say 1 in 6 men have actually discovered herpes.


Sad but true..... Bahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaaaaaa


Thanks for the laughs Herry!


So when are you taking your stand-up comedy tour on the road??? I'll be your first groapy... er.... groupie! LOL :))

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