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Recently diagnosed with herpes and seeing someone, in need of advice

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Hello Everyone!

I was diagnosed with H-2 last week. I have been a total mess; I think I have gone through all the steps already except acceptance. I went to my Gyc for an annual checkup, I skipped the one pertaining to last year because I was feeling healthy and normal and I had not been involved with anyone for the last 2 years (stupid of me ;( ). I requested a full std's exam including the blood work despite the fact that I never had any symptoms that suggested an infection. I have never experienced an outbreak or anything similar to it. I believe I caught it with my ex-fiancé, I once had very painful symptoms after sex but I thought it was because it was rough and we had not had sex for a while, due to the fact we were living in two different countries at the time. The symptoms went away after a week and I thought it was irritation or a yeast infection. Recently; I started to talk and go out with a guy, and that might have been the reason for which I requested the full std exams. We have not kiss or initiated any sexual contact but I feel we both like each other and it might be coming up soon. This weekend we were supposed to meet up, but I could not see him, I had to make up a lie. I even could not work I have been crying since Friday and pretty much depressed and devastated. I barely talked to him or anyone except my family (which is very supportive and understanding about it). I thought about stopping the talking with him, but at the same time, this upsets me, because I do not feel it is fair. I figured that there has to be a time for healing and acceptance of herpes and I am not sure if it will be beneficial to continue this relationship at this time. In addition; I am attending graduated school right now and I do not know if I can handle all the new feelings, the pressure to date him feeling like this and concentrate in my studies and perform well at the same time. Any word of advice will be very welcomed. Please help!


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Hey Butterfly,


Take a breath. Take a deep breath. It's going to be ok. Did you know 1 in 4 women in America have HSV2? Did you also know that 80% of them didn't know just like you didn't? You're far from alone, and it's going to be ok.


It'd be a great idea for you to read through the blog and this forum for tips on disclosing your status. There's an enormous amount of information here that Adrial and others have put together to help people in your exact situation. That's for later.


For now, I'd wait a while until you tell your beau. Get to know him real well, and let him get to know you real well. You just found out yourself and we all know it's a hard pill to swallow. You need to give yourself a little time to digest the diagnosis and learn everything you can about HSV2 and how it's going to affect your life. In reality, it's not going to affect it all that much. The more you research and the more you learn, the easier it will become. And right now you're thinking to yourself "I'm a grad student! I don't have time for more research!"


Fortunately, it doesn't sound like you get serious outbreaks. That's great news, so be happy about that. There's a lot of people on this forum who are reading that and envying you.


Between school, the diagnosis, and your new beau, you have a lot going on. Whenever I find myself in a similar situation I put the brakes on and slow things down as much as I can. If I were you, I'd tackle this is small, bite sized pieces. There's no need to tackle it all today. There's also no need to rush into a relationship if you don't want to. One step at a time. One day at a time.


Also, and not to add one more thing to your plate, but it's kind of important. If you are still on speaking terms with your ex-fiance, you might want to send him a message and simply tell him to get tested. If you didn't know, there's a possibility he doesn't know.


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First, Welcome! You have found a great source of information and support here.


Herry got it right :


Take a breath. Take a deep breath. It's going to be ok. Did you know 1 in 4 women in America have HSV2? Did you also know that 80% of them didn't know just like you didn't? You're far from alone, and it's going to be ok.


You are by far not alone with your new H status. That is a fact that you need to burn into your soul.... because it's really easy to feel alone when you are first diagnosed.


First thing, like Herry said, read as much as you can here. You will be amazed at the amount of information, love, and support on this one site. Use it. All your research needs in one place. You see, you can't effectively disclose unless you are informed. One of the biggest pieces of disclosure is confidence and being able to give correct information.


As far as your guy. I would tell him you just had some bad personal news if he asks why you are not your "normal" self. Tell him you need to deal with it and you may talk to him about it when you get to a better place. That is all true. BUT, make sure you keep things above the neck until you feel he is worthy of being told about your status (which means he is worthy of getting into your pants too ;) ).


Take it slow. And know that Herpes can become your Wingman ... yeah - sounds counter-intuitive but think of it this way...


1) It's making you slow things down, so you can take time to get to know this guy and


2) his reaction, if/when you disclose, will tell you a lot about him. If he drops everything and runs he wasn't that into you, he just wanted to GET into you. If he values you as a person and a potential partner, he will at the VERY least get informed/educated before he decides if this is a deal-breaker for him (just as things like infertility, smoking, religious beliefs, etc can be deal breakers).


So far you have done all the right things. You were being responsible in getting tested (and GOOD FOR YOU for insisting on getting everything tested....so many don't and they unknowingly pass on all kinds of STD's :( ). Tell him that when the time comes to disclose. AND, before you do the mattress mambo (assuming he still wants to move forward), insist he get tested. You have the perfect excuse to ask him to do that... YOU were unknowingly carrying something... he could too. Then have a "I'll show mine if you show me yours" STD results swap before you get naked. Perhaps it's not romantic, but at least there are no questions over either of your sexual health.


Good luck. I promise it WILL be fine over time. You just need to get informed and take time to work towards acceptance.


Oh - and a great place to start your education are these handouts (you can print one for your friend when the time comes too).






Disclosure e-book:





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Hello I am victoria ! (AKA megan. )

Your story is a lot like mine. (: I went it got STD tested because I found this guy whom I really really really liked ! He was sweet and perfect. Everything that I wanted in a guy. I never had it.. Finally I had everything I have been looking for and I did not want to lose it.


I found out 2 months ago that I have HSV-2. I know that I cried and cried and cried. It is a apart of the acceptance.. You can not sit there and pretend to be okay when you are not feeling okay. I understand. I am actually really glad that your family is understanding. Why not try talking to them ? My family was also very understanding and they were there for me. Every time I learned some new information I told them.. I talked to them. It helped me tremendously accept the fact that I have herpes.


Oh && I told my boyfriend. ;) He was like " You are not un-sexable. (: " Hahahaha made me laugh !


Keep your head up girl. It will be alright. (:

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Thank you very much for all of your responses. I have been reading since Friday, and there is a lot of information available, however it is a lot to take in. As the days are going by, I am starting to feel better. Today is kind of a bad day because I am going to pick up the results and talk to my doctor. @ Henry and WCSDancer2010 I am taking your advice and slowing things down, we will see where the road takes us, if it is meant to be, it will, if not then I guess I will survive with the help of marvelous people like you. @ Victoria thank you for sharing your story with me, it gives me hope that anything can be and I am very open about it with my family they all know and support me. Is there a day in your life in which you guys do not think about it? Thank you again and keep in touch. Much love 

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