Herpes disclosing time...

[mariii]

so it's been slightly over a year since I found out I have HSV2, and it's taken me this long to join a site that supports and encourages open and honest discussion without scaring the everloving ish out of me (yeah, the sites that state cold hard facts as if you got what you deserved by having sex? you're doing it wrong). to make matters worse, the person I was dating when confronted with questions and concern when I found out ("have you ever been tested?" etc.) freaked. I'm talking nasty name calling, table flipping, choke-me-till-I-pass-out freaked...and within several weeks and without a word, fled the state. I consider myself a strong woman and I've been lucky to have never had a hand laid on me until then, but for one of the first times in my adult life, I felt broken. (conf)used, disgusted, ashamed, angry and alone. ("why me?" and "what did I do to deserve this?" reverberated in my mind for months, as selfish as that sounds). it wasn't until about three months in, I received an email apology (ah, internet...one of your more impersonal qualities). I was told he had known he had HSV2 the entire time, but was "too afraid" to tell me. it was at that exact moment I realized it's not what happens to us in life, but how we react and respond. I then understood what type of person I didn't want to be or become.

 

fast forward through quitting my hectic job, telling my closest friends (even that was difficult), having waves of ups and downs (still human), and finding peace with last summer? I've come a damn close 180. it's been a very single (I needed personal time to reflect) year until about four and a half months ago. I'm currently seeing a coworker (aaaaas everyone slaps their forehead). (fact: when I'm nervous in writing, everything is placed in parentheses). he's wonderful, hasn't pressured me for sex, and has introduced me to his parents. SO WHY AM I PANICKING? I'm constantly reading the "how to's" and the "what to do and what not to do's", yet I'm at a complete loss of how to go about bringing this up (did I mention we work together?). I trust him, but I feel like I'm second guessing whether or not I trust myself that I'm okay with it (rejection, that is)...sound twisted? all in all, I care for him a lot and his safety is as important as mine. but if I'm not ready, is it being dishonest the longer I withhold this piece of information from him? I know I can't wait forever, but I think I need a bit of encouragement. and a glass of wine.

[mr_hopp]

Hey mariii, I'm glad you've joined the site and that you're also a support for openness and honesty. That's what we're building here. I'm sorry to hear that you've gone through such hostility when it sounds like all you were doing was being transparent and caring. Sounds like he took his anger out on you. Took his frustration against himself out on you. An emotional punching bag. If that's the case, you didn't deserve that. I assure you that honesty and integrity is a courageous and worthwhile path. It's not always easy, but it's worth it. It helps us stay more in touch with who we are at our core and what we stand for. And I love how you said that: It's not what happens to us in life, but how we react and respond. You've summed it up in a beautiful, concise nutshell there, mariii.

 

And sounds like you have a good thing going with your guy. Congrats for that. Super congrats. And no, it doesn't sound twisted, you worrying about rejection. It sounds ... human. We all do it. Whether we have herpes or not. Whenever we tell someone we like them, we are facing the possibility of rejection. This is no different. And you're right, whether he says yes or no, you'll still be all right. I love that his safety is important to you. I see your heart there. And no, the longer you don't tell him about herpes, it's not dishonest. But there does come a time where not telling actually becomes a barrier to intimacy, a barrier to the relationship progressing in a purely emotional (not to mention physical) way. Having the herpes talk can actually be a connecting experience — as you have already read in the e-book: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP — and there have been many, many success stories through this website. Get right with yourself first, dispel the shame, know that you got it going on regardless and let your integrity and vulnerability rip. Know that you telling him about herpes says so much about who you are that it overshadows the simple virus. Herpes is just a skin condition compared to what you have to offer as a person.

 

And hey, if you need a primer, let's hop on the phone and I'll coach you through it. I got a few minutes. Send me a private message and I'll help you out. :)

 

Thank you for sharing here, mariii. Keep us up-to-date on how this progresses! We're rooting for you! :)